Lonely

[IrianofWay]

I have always been a loner. Good at acquaintances - I can talk to people and get to know all kinds of details about them without even trying - but that's as far as it goes. I can never make friends. I have a small handful of good friends but I recently lost two of those and my other closest friend is embroiled in a horrible situation of her own and all I can do is offer support from a distance.

H had an affair - 2 years ago. It ended as soon as I found out. We are still together and doing well - had IC and MC and we communicate better than for a long time. But we have always had seperate interests - that was a good thing in the past as it meant when we were together we always had loads to tell each other. The affair made me question that and now the easy-going nature of our relationship is missing - I question our relationship all the time. H doesn't know how to reassure me. I think he finds me a bit wearying. I don't blame him. I weary myself.

And my children are growing up. Of course, that is what kids do. But I miss having them want to be with me all the time. I went for a walk with my dog on saturday and kept having to wipe tears away thinking of times when they'd have been with me. I miss their constant presence.

I have tried making new friends by joining clubs but I felt like an interloper.

I had to face the reality that for the first time in my life I am actually lonely. I had the strongest feeling that if I dropped off the face of the earth it wouldn't make that much difference to anyone for very long.

I do suffer from depression - so I am always unsure whether my emotional reactions are 'normal' or skewed by my condition.

Join a gym if one is near and go to the group exercise classes. You will soon make friends. I have been abroad twice with gym friends. I even set up business with one friend I met at the gym.

Thanks deste.

I used to go to a gym and exercise classes. Didn't make friends there. I just seem to shed people like water off a ducks back. Now I go running - a solitary pursuit. I have wondered about joining a running club.

Get joining the running club and other activities that you fancy, keep busy so you don't get down. As for your OH, if anything he should be kissing your feet for 1 forgiving and 2 staying with him.

Focus on doing things that you want to do rather than 'making friends' - that way you will keep busy and be enjoying yourself, you may or may not make friends but at least you will be out and about. Do you do voluntary work? I have made loads of friends through voluntary work and it is always worth remembering that there are many people far worse off than you are (sorry, don't mean that to sound harsh).

Also make sure you do not appear too 'needy' about making friends, I have a couple of people in my life who appear to be desperate to be my friend (don't know why ) but they don't offer anything to a friendship, just endless suggestions for a 'coffee and a chat'. If I suggest getting involved in a project - (voluntary work or something to 'do' rather than just sit around) they just aren't interested.

ragwort - I am terrified of being needy. I think that is part of my problem TBH - I will pull away if my overtures don't get instant response.

I work full-time so my chances to volunteer are few and far between but it is something I am keen on when my kids are gone.

jan - he is grateful for his second chance but my problem is that I worry he's just saying that. I don't see myself as being worth having.

Have you had a look at meetup.com?

See what's in your area, or you can make a group yourself. I made a group for 20 and 30-something's in my city (when I was a 20-something!). Met loads of people, who all had something in common i.e. they wanted to meet people, be more social, try new things. Once I stopped running the group I lost touch with a lot of them - some people just don't stick together unless they are in constant contact - but I have 3 friends from that group who I can go weeks without talking to, and then catch up and laugh like old times.

Honestly, if you really want to volunteer you can do it round a full time job - DH and I have for many years . These days there are so many opportunities for volunteers and most responsible organisations recognise that volunteers may have a full time job/caring responsibilities etc.

What about organised groups like a Book Club/WI/Rotary/NWR - that sort of thing?

You do sound a little depressed, Irian. The fact that you were wiping away tears, and feel you weary yourself and your DH, suggest this. Also the idea that no-one would miss you - that must be a crippling sense of loneliness within a marriage.

Can I suggest a word with a doctor, and perhaps a counsellor, to help you tackle this. Do join a running club too, if that appeals. When your mood lifts you'll see more possibilities around you.

Irian i could have written this post ! I dont find myself crying just increasingly lonely now my kids dont need some much doing for them.My plan is to accept offers of drinks with the girls( i used to use work and having to cook tea) as reasons not to go out.I agree with previous posts if you do some thing you love your passion will draw people to you.I also think this is an adjustment phase for us Mums seeing our lovely kids become grown ups but also "mourning" the fact they no longer need us so much.
How about a makeover..new clothes and ready for this new chapter :)

Thanks wyrdy. I toe a very fine line between depression and 'normal'. I am off my ADs atm and aware that I may have to start them again. I don;t want to but I am not going to let myself go down the road I went down last time I stopped. At the same time I don't want to medicalise what is a fairly healthy and standard low mood. I do tend to be overly introspective and always was even before I was diagnosed. I dont expect much from the NHS in the way of support - it tends to be ADs or nowt.

whatisforteamum - I have lost a stone and a half in the last few months (ADs tend to pile on the lbs for me) and changed my hairstyle. I am trying hard to say yes to stuff atm but it's not something I find easy to do. My impulse is to nest when I am feeling low.