Daughters boyfriend!

[amberley1960]

Hi all
Hope you dont think I am too old to be writing on Mumsnet as my daughter is 27. Her boyfriend who is 32 was in the army for 11 years and was lucky enough to apply for redundancy and get it. Since then he has got a job with a firm locally but works shift work (not many hours) but well paid. The problem is my husband also works for the firm as does my brother in law (who is one of the managers). My husband has just taken a phone call to say that boyfriend has not turned up for 2 shifts in the last fortnight and has had a verbal warning about his attitude etc. The rub is they are in the process of buying a house together and have just had the mortgage offer come through! I was very fond of the boyfriend but he has been living with us now since February and I have realised what a lazy git he is. Can someone change at the age of 32 or do you think it it too late? I am so worried that they will buy the house and then he will loose his job. Is he too old for us to have a word with him?

He's too old for you to "have a (firm?) word with him" but no-one is ever to old to have a chat to. Maybe ask him if he is struggling with adjusting to civilian life, and how you can help? Might he be suffering from PTSD?

We have always chatted to him and we thought that he liked the job. Don't think he is suffering from PTSD. He may be finding it hard to adjust after being in the army for a number of years - thanks.

Do you know why he missed work? Could he have been ill? Got the times wrong?

But yes, of course he's too old for you to have a word with him. And, if he's ever been deployed it is entirely possible that he could have PTSD.

does your h directly manage him? it seems a bit off that he would be told otherwise - this is between the bf and his manager surely?

Does sound like it might be quite an awkward position for the boyfriend; is your husband also senior to him? What kind of a rank did he have in the army?

Thanks for your replies no he wasn't ill he stayed up drinking with a cousin til 4am in the morning. No my h doesnt directly manage him but his brother was giving my h the heads up to help. He was delighted when he got the job.

How would the phone call be helpful??

The phone call was helpful as his brother was trying to help - he employed him. He thought that maybe my h could have a quiet word with him. You all seem to be having a go to be honest, we are honestly trying to help him we just don't want him to lose his job and no my h is not senior to him he does a totally different job and never works with him.

What does your daughter think about it?

i get that there are kind reasons behind this, but tbh it feels inappropriate - it's unnecessarily mixing work with personal life. it has already put you in and your h in an awkward position

Oh god PetulaGordino I totally agree we obviously were delighted when he got a job but now don't know what to do. May be I am worrying too much but I think that's an age thing. We were all so pleased for him as it is very hard to get a decent job nowadays and I don't want him to throw it all away.

Your husband's brother is seriously out of order to have mentioned this to him! However it can't be unsaid now and if you are going to do anything you need to speak to your daughter, not the boyfriend.

I doubt he's the first person to miss a work shift due to a hangover, and he won't be the last. I assume your daughter would already know that he has missed a couple of shifts but may not know that he is in the disciplinary system because of it.

You could let her know what you have been told, she may already be aware. Once she has that knowledge it's up to her to decide what to do.

Speaking to the boyfriend yourselves is the last thing you should be considering. Apart from anything else, unless your BIL owns the business or is very senior what he has done could land him in a whole heap of trouble.

No doubt the phone call was well-intentioned, but it's not normally what a grown man would expect, is it, for his boss to phone his future FIL and tell him about his behaviour at work? It's an awkward mix of private and professional life even without bringing in your husband, who has nothing to do with it professionally. It's an intrusion on the bf's privacy; you shouldn't really know this information. That's not a dig, just an observation. Maybe you could tell the BIL that it's not a great idea in future?

I was wondering if the bf had earned respect in the army, and is now feeling uncomfortable about having to start out again from scratch as a newbie and work his way up under the watchful eyes of his BIL - hence "awkward". No doubt he was delighted to get the job, but if he's starting to notice any downsides now he might feel a bit rude and ungrateful saying anything to you.

I think there is a matter of confidentiality at stake here. I don't think you can interfere in this and really your DH shouldn't have passed the message on to the family. I agree you shouldn't mix work and personal life.

I think your brother-in-law made a mistake, although perhaps well-intentioned. I'd keep out of it.

What a difficult situation. What a berk he is.

while it was wrong for the bil to tell you, I can understand it. It would be hard to stand by and watch someone in your family fuck things up without wanting to try and warn the other people who will be effected by it.

I think he's having trouble adjusting to the self discipline you need in civilian life; he's been in the services for years so is used to an external discipline all the time. Also, if you fuck up in the services, there are sanctions, but they don't just sack you. Does he really deep down understand this is what happens in normal jobs? He might be thinking, great, I just get a bit of a telling off, that's nothing compared to punishments in the army.

If I were you, I know I should just keep out of it, but I couldn't see my daughter dragged down without trying something. Yet you can't overtly say anything.

How about a general conversation about how he's finding civvy life compared to army life? Any problems? How about work? 'It must be a bit strange to get used to, it's so insecure compared to being in the army. You know these days a firm can sack you pretty much overnight if they aren't happy with you...they changed the law recently that you pretty much have no legal protection against that for the first two years of employment, that's very different isn't it.' sort of thing. Drop a few heavy hints and hope he takes them.

I think it is fortunate that your BIL has let you know about this.

Your DD and boyfriend will be in a terrible position if they buy the house and he then looses his job.

Does your DD know is has a bad attitude to work or does she think he is wonderful in every way?

Hopefully they will rethink their mortgage plans.

Could he be asked if he likes the job and does he want to stay there?

It is horrible watching your grownup DD being with someone who really isn't good enough for her.

The best thing you can do is tell you brother in law to have a word with the boyfriend in a professional capacity and let him know he is risking his job.

I honestly think you should stay right out of it.

Hmmm, i am an ex serviceman and have worked with and employed a load of ex service personnel myself. I have seen this before. In general i think it kinda works like this.

Half the people who are ex services are really self disciplined and very hard workers. They got on well in the services as it was a very controlled environment. They also thrive after the service.

The other half took the attitude that they would do as little as possible without being pretty much forced to. Thats ok because the services were more than happy to force em to work hard. Went out on the piss till 4 am with your mates? tough shit, crack on.

The second group find adjusting to work after the service somewhat difficult, as in most firms people are too busy or just not inclined to force people to do things, they tend to just sack them. It takes a while for this type to cotton on, but most of them get there in the end, they are generally hard workers they just have to get used to the fact that they need to be self motivated.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of how you found out, id definitely have a word, gently, and just try to explain how things are different, and how hard it can be to find jobs at the mo etc. Its your daughter you are well within your rights to look after her interests. Most service people appreciate plain speaking IME, if he's offended hell let you know.

good luck