How to cope with family weddings when you are NC? (long)

[chicaguapa]

I have been NC with my dad for 3.5 years because he is an abusive bully (verbal and emotional) and one day went too far. I have also been NC with my 'horrible' sister for nearly 2 years for the same reasons. They are both NPD (my amateur dx).

I also have 2 brothers and another sister (all younger - I'm the oldest) who are all unsupportive of my NC and still insist on speaking about my dad to me even though I have told them why I don't want to hear it. They all think I'm being a prima donna tbh and don't understand. It's a simple case of no one wanting to face up to what he's like so I get shot as the messenger. I understand that.

Last year I posted about my 'nice' sister and my DN's 1st birthday as I'd wanted to go to the party but was worried about how it would affect me as the rest of my family were going to be there. I ended up going, at great personal cost, as in the end my dad completely ignored DC and this upset me. I was prepared for this though and felt that I wanted to make the effort for my nice sis.

I was really upset then to be later left out of my youngest brother's 21st birthday celebrations which had been organised by my nice sis. I spoke to her about it and she apologised but said that it was awkward as I'm not speaking to my dad or horrible sis so she didn't invite me.

I have posted before about how I struggle to reconcile being left out of family gatherings just because I am the one that has stood up to the abusive NPD behaviour. I often want to cut contact with the whole family as it makes me feel so shit that I'm on the periphery of the family. On the surface we are all fine and I haven't done this, though I have pulled back on the contact a bit and don't see much of any of them. I have only seen nice sis once since DN's birthday.

So now nice sis is getting married and the crux of it is that I don't want to go to the wedding. I don't want to witness my dad behaving like the perfect father to sis when he is an absolute pig to me. Mostly I don't feel like I want to put myself through that when I get left out of most family gatherings anyway and I'll only be blamed for making everyone feel awkward.

The problem is that if I don't go, I am setting off the bomb and really will end up being NC with my whole family as they'll find this unforgiveable. I haven't had the invite yet, but I know they haven't gone out so there's no chance that I will get off lightly and not be expected to go. It's a fair distance from our house but we couldn't use that as a reason not to go or use DC. There really are no excuses I could hide behind.

I imagine that we'll just go for the wedding and then leave tbh. So I can show that I do care (a little bit) but would find the reception too much to cope with. Do you think that would be acceptable in the circumstances or would my dysfunctional family have a problem with that too?

Your family will have a problem no matter what you do. Nothing you do will be right.

I'd say sod it and don't go. They are going to fall out with you over this anyway so you might as well do what you want in the first place. Write your sister a nice letter and send a nice gift, but that's it.

Its not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist.

TBH I think you would be better off going no contact with all of them as of now including "nice" sister who has not acted nice previously either (she acted weakly when she decided to refuse you an invite because of what her parents and siblings would say).

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; yours is scapegoat and your other siblings have closed ranks. They are just glad that you are copping their parents fallout rather than them, they are very weak. The golden child status is a role not without price either but they are too stupid and self absorbed themselves to realise that.

Nice people like you who have been on the receiving end of such abuse go back in the forlorn hope that change will occur, it does not happen in such emotionally unhealthy families. These people have for instance never apologised nor even accepted any responsibility for their actions have they?.

This link from Lightshouse may help a little:-

lightshouse.org/lights-blog/the-narcissistic-family#axzz3A5WG6Uu2.

I would also suggest you post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages and read the resources at the start of that thread too.

NC is precisely that - there is no contact of any sort from you to them. Its complete radio silence from you and your own family unit.

Do not attend her wedding even if you do receive an invite; it will just be at great emotional cost to yourself again.

It seems a shame to risk spoiling her day - it is HER day, after all.

If I were you I'd go to the service and be at least one photo, say hello to the people you want to see and then leave discreetly.

It may be the sisters big day, HER day but this is the OP's LIFE. Years of being blamed, emtionally abused, and punished for things that are either not her fault or nothing to do with her and you still expect her to put on a mask and play happy families for a few hours? Why?

Bollocks to that. She doesn't owe that family anything and she knows herself she needs to get out.

I think it depends what you want to happen in the future

If you want a relationship withyour siblings you do need to go IMO

You have to step out of the dynamic. They will go crazy - who can they hang all the shit on then? - but do it for your sanity.

I, scapegoat, used to mind very much that I was left out of family events. Now I am shot through with joy and immense relief, to the point i could skip, that I don't have to take n hours of their poison like a pig on a spit.

A few years ago I went to my goddaughter's wedding, my evil sister's daughter. I went to the ceremony, sat far far away from my family (it turned out i was in the same section as the other family scapegoat from the bride's dad's side - arf). At the end of the ceremony I left - and fair SKIPPED up the road.

I went for my goddaughter, no-one else. I was erased out of the photos. I don't know if my sister was behind that; I absolutely don't care.

Cut yourself free, op. It is absolutely wonderful to be shot of the lot of them. Your 'nice' siblings know where you are, you don't need to labour it.

(I went to an auntie's funeral and, unusually, also went to the wake. I sat with my extended family and acted as though my immediate family didn't exist, that there was a blank space where their bodies were. One sister said 'hello' and I said hello back and moved on - not nice, not nasty. I find I'm quite good at acting - no-one in the gathering had any idea. I don't do it to point score, I genuinely must protect myself and this is the only way to do it.)

Btw re my goddaughter's wedding, I informed b&g I would be coming to the ceremony, not the reception. I call the shots these days - if they don't like it that's not my concern. As a pp said, whatever you do they'll pick on it, so do what you like and what suits you (and your sanity).

You do know, yes?, that they will never own up to the truth about the situation, you will always be the scapegoat: these dysfunctions go deeeeep. Some of your siblings may seek you out at a later date, but it's likely to take a long time if they do ; and it isn't a given.

Nc with all of them. They are not nice if they don't respect you enough to not try badger you to resolve things. Not are they nice to leave you uninvited because it may cause upset. You don't need that kind of treatment. Clean break.

Thing is, though, the OP was upset to be left out of another event. If she makes a stand then 'being left out' becomes the norm.

I have shitty family and I get left out of loads of things. Ultimately I'd like the choice.

Being left out is what the OP wants though..she wants NC, no contact, that includes so called "family" gatherings.

No point in having a choice to go to a family do, when you are not treated like part of the family and know, know you are better off without them.

The op doesn't want opinions on what to do here, she just wants confirmation that NC is right for her. Judging by her post, it is. No contact is best for her.

That's not how I read the OP.

Thanks all.

Not sure what I want really. I don't like being left out or feeling that I'm the one who has to not go to family events. But I accept that this is the consequence of standing up for myself and I do like the peace and quiet that brings me.

I would like to be shot of all of them tbh for the disrespect they have for me and for being about why I'm NC with my dad (funnily enough they get why I'm NC with my sis). But apart from that, they don't treat me too badly and I am just on the fringes, not getting involved. My SIL is very nice to me and gets it, but isn't in a position to stand up against her in laws. She says everyone's horrible to me and I get a lot of shit thrown at me. Tbh it's probably her and my relationship with my DN that keeps me in there.

Best case would be for them to turn around one day, apologise for being unsupportive and say they can see why I did it and that I was right. Then the NPD part of the family would be on the fringes, instead of me. But that's never going to happen, I know.

In the meantime I just get by on the knowledge that it's all on my terms and I'm choosing not to get involved. Which works well until there's a family wedding.... and then I don't know what to do. Like it's been said, damned if I do, damned if I don't.