Can't Cope.

[BabyLinthwaite]

Is this normal, will it get better?

I have a new baby, 24 days old. I had to have an emergency C-Section and a blood transfusion.

My hubby was wonderful for first 3 days in hospital, sorting out baby, feeding, washing, changing etc.... I couldn't even pick her up I was so week and strapped up to wires and tubes via both hands and I was fully bed bound. When we all came home from hospital, hubby helped, I was still week so I had to rely on him to help, but not it's been 2 weeks and he doesn't help me, I'm still recovering from C-Section/ Blood transfusion, my belly still hurts a lot, plus I now have a urine infection. Baby sleeps almost all day and cries all night, hubby doesn't help, and when he does he just sits with baby and tries to calm her down but ends up making her worse, I need help in the house, I need some time out so I can have a nice bath, to have a lay down, he doesn't help, he leaves the house a mess, he leaves everything for me to do, tidying up, washing, sorting baby's bottles, sorting baby's clothing, feeding cat, where for before he used to vacuum the house, sort the rubbish, help with washing, feed the cat every day, it's his cat, help tidy up, but now he does nothing. I've talked to him, I've asked him, I've told him, I've shouted at him, I've got really stressed with him, I've got upset with him, he said he'd help each time, but nothing changes. I'm going out of my mind, I'm a mess, I feel like packing it all in, I want to leave him, I want a divorce. I'm struggling...I'm 100% alone, I have no family! nor close friends! I have no one. What do I do, will I get by all this.. I want to give up, leave my hubby, take my baby daughter and turn my back on the world. I won't ever hurt my little girl, she's my world, but I want to hit the hubby, I'm so frustrated with crying out for help but only ending up talking to a brick wall.... Is this normal.... Plus to top it all off, I'm not eating due to this causing me stress. I'm calm as anything with my little girl at least that is something good.

I think the feelings of helplessness are quite normal but I don't understand why your DH isn't helping (it sounds like neither do you!). What happens when you remind him it's his turn to sort the baby's clothes? Or his turn to feed the cat? Does he just say he'll do it later? What happens if you ask him to do it immediately as later never seems to arrive?

Can he talk the baby out for a walk whilst you have a bath? You say he can't calm her down but he has to learn how and unfortunately we all had to learn through trial and error. I think you need to be where you can't hear the baby crying - I hope that doesn't sound callous.

Have you spoken to your health visitor about how you feel? It strikes me that you could be on your way to PND and that you need some support.

Can your DH take some time off work so at least there's two of you in the house during the day?

Your DH is being a prat.

You need to prioritise yours and DD health and wellbeing above all else. You say that DD sleeps all day - then so should you.

Forget about the cleaning, cooking, cat feeding, etc and just focus on you and DD. He can sort his own meals/laundry/cat etc etc. You are so weak and vulnerable you have to allow yourself to start healing and getting stronger.

Have you sat down DH and told him how you feel? Maybe he thinks you're coping so he's happy to leave you to it. Many DH are oblivious to our emotions and coping techniques.

If he is refusing to help then, for the time being, ignore him and his wants/needs and focus on DD and yourself. Sleep when she does and don't worry too much about sorting out her clothes - DC exist quite happily in babygrows that NEVER need ironing.

Oh and remember - if DD is screaming when he's asleep make sure that you sit next to him (on bed, settee or wherever when you try to pacify her).

You poor thing. Having a new baby is incredibly stressful, particularly if you're not well after the birth, and having a useless partner just adds to the stress.

This evening when he gets in hand the baby to him and just get out of the house. Go for a walk, get a coffee, whatever, just get out and get some headspace.
Secondly make arrangements to rehome the cat. If he won't look after her then she can't stay. If your husband makes a firm commitment to resume looking after her then she doesn't need to be rehomed.
Thirdly sit your husband down and tell him that he needs to step up right now and do his share or you are leaving. And mean it. It might be that he is shell shocked at being a father, that's not a crime, but he needs to sort himself the fuck out now.
Fourthly do not do anything for him. No washing clothes, no cooking dinner, no sorting admin etc. He can take care of himself, you have enough to do.

During the day, do try to get out as much as you feel able to with the baby. That will help your state of mind hugely. Just a walk to the shop will do it, but if you can go to surestart groups or baby groups or baby sensory, something organised where you can meet people, that would be great.

ohhhh and ouch about all of it!

Sounds to me like you're responding totally normally to extreme circumstances. Things will calm down, you will calm down. Hormones and chemical interventions are screaming in your blood atm.

The house will still be a disaster zone but eventually you and DH will speak as peaceful, loving humans again.

Others will be along with more practical ideas to help this along but i was here, so just offering you a smile in a grim situation.

Congratulations on the arrival of your beautiful daughter!

Focus on you and the baby for now. Take a day at a time.

Do online shopping, order take away, buy ready meals (for yourself, let him feed himself), wash your clothes and baby gro's, do f worry about the house as much as you can.

Get yourself healed and sorted, get through these early weeks (and it does get easier) and once you're on your feet you can deal with him. If you've tried everything already then I wouldn't waste any more time or energy on him. Once you're a bit stronger on a few weeks you can stand back and think about how to proceed.

Your hormones will still be mad too, which doesn't make it any harder to cope with, and Caesareans hurt like hell. I remember that time and it is horrible. Make sure you talk to the doctor about how you're feeling. The house can look like a bomb has hit it; that doesn't matter. Tidy up one "reception room" enough so that you can sit in it without feeling sad and leave the rest full of rotting apple cores or whatever.

Make sure you drink plenty, apart from anything else that will help make your pee less acid.

You have no family at all, not even an aunt you could visit? How about your husband? Does he have a relative you could visit, or that the cat could visit? Could you get in a cleaner for a couple of emergency visits?

Oh, and while it might be a good idea to go out normally, don't feel ANY pressure to do it now while you still have a huge stitched up hole in your belly! Here in Germany I was in hospital for two weeks and certainly wasn't expected to go to any classes for a good while after that!

Thank you all so much, it's such a relief that now I don't feel so much alone, reading your replies shows that someone cares. Tonight when DH gets in, I will pass him baby and then I will go for a nice and well needed soak in the bath. We have no relations here, they live miles away and I don't drive. I am the brink of packing mine and baby's bags and vanishing. DH and I have had a talk, he says he'll help but then he doesn't bother, I've now applied to a housing association to see if that helps him get his finger out. I'm at my witts end. I've stopped eating, I struggle with sleeping, my only strength is my DD who makes me strong for her. She's well looked after and loved very much, covered in kisses. I sit and look at her, I get all chocked up, this amazing little sausage is the only thing I feel I've done right in life. We struggled to get her, I had to go through IVF, so she is the most important thing in my life.

Daft as it sounds is he struggling with the trauma of the birth and in his world now you are home you are ok?
I had a very traumatic birth with my son similar to yours and I am convinced DH ended up with PTSD because of watching me nearly die!

You say that he's been great up til now, but you're going so far as to apply to a housing association? Has this maybe revealed some deeper feelings you've had for a longer time, or could it really be your hormones making you want to do something so extreme after just a few weeks, when you've gone through a life change that both of you will need a while to get used to?

OP - Did you get your peaceful bath last night?

Make sure that you eat properly to maintain your physical, emotional and mental health. Have you spoken to your HV? She maybe able to put you in touch with mother and baby groups in the local area. In that way you could get some RL support x

Show him this thread. He is behaving appallingly.

how about your health visitor? is there a HomeStart near you who could help? meanwhile, become nocturnal for a while until everything settles down

If he won't help, can you tell him that you cannot cope with doing EVERYTHING, so you are going to hire someone to come and help out in the home? Get some quotes from different agencies and tell him "This is what your sheer lazyness is going to cost our family".

If he doesn't change after one week, fuck it - just book the person to come twice a week to help with the house. There are plenty of odd job places who would be happy to hoover, feed the cat and do random chores around the house.

When you are healed, I would strongly recommend looking into driving lessons. Or figuring out how you can use public transport to get to your family. It's important that you don't feel so isolated.