Help please porn out of hand

[savemysanity]

Just testing the name change had worked.
Im a reguler mumsnetter but i wanted to hide behind a new name for this one.
Please help.
I need a web site, a phone number, the name of a counsellor anything.
DH has always had a thing for porn but it is now so out of control that even he has addmitted he needs help, i dont know where to start.

Any info anyone has would be so welcome.
Thanks.

I think my DH has JUST worked out what his SICKNESS has cost him. I begged and begged him to stop, to get help, i chucked away videos, changed passwords, locked doors but it was all useless. He did not see it as me trying to help him only as me trying to control him.
The type of porn he is looking at is vile, violent, degrading and chuck in a sheep for good measure.
But he is (apart from this ) a wonderful person and a great father and has been the love of my life, but i just cant get my head around the things he has been looking at.
I know he was raised in a house where his dad was abit of a porn addict so was exposed to it at an early age, but thats no excuse.
At the moment i am finding it so hard to look and see the man i fell in love with as he is a stranger to me.
I do love him and i am so worried about him as he seems so ashamed and broken but i am so confussed with so many emotions, it has brought back memories that i did not want to have to deal with and i just feel like lying down and giving up, not that that would help anyone, so the first thing i need to do is get DH some help and then we deal with everything else later

Spoke to DH today, he is very unhappy and said that the porn was a release from all the pressure and not reailty. He has once again addmitted he has a problem and when i ask him if he wanted my help he said yes he did. (this is a first)

There has been a lot of other stuff going on in our lives and its all a bit complecated, but i (and DH) are not useing that as an excuse for the sudden escalation and the vileness of the lastest porn.
He has agreed to get rid of ALL the porn in the house and have the pc set for only approved sites, such as route finder.
He has agreed to seek help and has spoken to me in a more honest and frank way then in years, although i know he is finding it had to do so.
I know he is deeply ashamed and regretful.
He is the father of my children and i will do everything in my power to support him and help him stop this sickness, and that is what i told him today.

I think you should think about the relate route - they have services not just related to realtionships but specialised sexual counsellors who deal with things like this - it will give you the distance from your local doctors (where you take your kids and have smear test etc.) and make it a seperate issue. They will see both of you or him on his own - have a look at the website.

Although he has hurt you by doing this and it is out of control I respect his attitude to trying to sort it out. I think this issue is very confusing for both of you and an external person may be just what you need to iron out the issues.

A friend of mine ended up splitting up eith her partner over this issue - I think if they had had some help it may have been different.

I admire the way you are tackling this head on.

Good luck.

Hi - just spotted your thread and wanted to add my support. Me and DH have struggled for a long time with this issue (Had my 'crisis' thread here ). I found reading the info on this website helpful - it explains why you can't treat a porn addiction like an alcohol/drugs thing and helped me understand a bit more but also for DH, I think it helped him realise we could overcome the problem and if he did it would make our marriage and sex life better - ie he'd be gaining not losing.

I'm pleased your DH has admitted there's a problem, it took me a long time to convince mine that there was. We're making good progress now - there have been hiccups but it has got better, I hope it will for you too.

what is it with men and porn ??

I'm really sorry, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I feel that porn is a cancer on society.

I honestly do.

I just don't see anything harmless or victimless (after all, look what it's done to you, savemysanity) or entertaining about it all, and it's known to be behind more than one murder.

And I'm anything but a prude.

I feel YOU should go get counselling for YOURSELF, too, on your own and w/him.

savemysanity

Taking responsibilty for his behaviours and asking for help is a HUGE step for your hubby, as i am sure you know.

I wanted to help with some practical suggestions, so i thought this may help. I volunteer with a programme called SMART Recovery - its a method of learning to change addictive or harmful behaviours by using CBT techniques (specifically Cognitive Therapy and Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy, Motivational Interviewing and Stages of Change) as an alternative approach to traditional 12-step 'Anonymous' programmes. Its free, anonymous and the ideas are used for all sorts of behaviours - drinking, gambling, sexual addictions and so on. There is also an online forum, a little like mumsnet, so that people can talk through the issues they are facing. Its a peer support group using real techinques for behaviour change.

They have a closed forum for sexual maladaptive behaviours and also a friends and family forum too. Some ideas help some people, others help other people. I would say that taking a look at lots of info at least opens up the possibilities for you both.

Whatever help you and your hubbie, both together and as individuals, look for - you have my very best wishes. And a hug.

thank you so much everyone, squidette expat and needtoseelight, i have looked at the links and made notes , and thank you IQU, i might take you up on your offer.
Was going to see priest today but had DS1 off school so that was a no go.
Did sort out a massive bag of videos and dvds for the dump though, although i have told DH it is up to him to chuck it out, i want to see HIM throw it away as its pointless me doing it as i have before and more just replaced it.
I am going room by room so i know EVERY bit of it has gone and if anything turns up in the future it is NEW and not something i missed, and then the s*it will hit the fan.

I think i do need councilling for me TBH i have spent too long trying to deal with too much, and not speaking to anyone about it because of the shame i felt inside.
Thank you all for being so lovely.

I don't see why you should feel ashamed. You were not the one looking at this stuff.

How are things going?