I've hopefully NC for this. I've been a member on here for a while.
This is probably going to be long, and I am absolutely exhausted so if I do not reply immediately it's because I'm existing on minimal sleep.
I grew up in an emotionally neglectful environment - my Dad is the trigger issue in my back history. Cheated on my Mum, left us floundering and told me after a suicide attempt that he was 'sick of my bullshit' - in the decade that he went and married his now wife I've seen him a handful of times and have had NC on my insistence since last year, as I realised he didn't care and me chasing a relationship that would never happen was a big part of my self esteem and emotional issues.
I'm an emotional person, creative, talkative, thinker - I respond well to people who are open, approachable and calm talkers. That said, I have an enormous amount of hatred towards myself and alternate between thinking I have recovered, and feeling like I will kill myself and I actively engage in self harm on a regular basis. I am on medication and have had therapy.
Been with my DP for nearly 3 years. He owns his own home (bought last year) and I'm supposed to be 'living' here. I couldn't be put on the mortgage as I wasn't working due to MH issues - I have/had borderline personality disorder but was discharged from CMHT last month saying I no longer meet the criteria, but they suspected all along it could be bipolar rather than BPD. Inefficient case coordinator who left and I've been left too. We've lived together since we were about a year into our relationship, but I left in February 2013 to stay back with my Mum as I had a breakdown. I tried to commit suicide on two attempts. At this stage nobody knew the nature of my illness and DP decided to bury his head in the sand and work harder and longer and although was still around, was emotionally unavailable.
During that period I had asked him to help me recover by doing certain things that I was told may help. I was engaged in therapy with a good psychologist who was helping me change the pattern of my destructive behaviour through objectivity and I asked my DP if he could learn with me. I spent many many hours over a number of months relearning how to see things, how to speak about things and identifiying when things were not good and how to change them. I ended up staying with him more often than not, trying to build a base in his home because he always said he wanted it to be 'our home'.
DP works very hard - I earn a tiny bit of money too. I do all the housework and cooking, and make sure that when he comes home we are able to relax together, as we do not see each other as often as most couples due to his working hours. He always makes sure we have food to eat etc etc. We do have some disposable income and we sometimes use it but it is usually on his terms. He has decided to accept my flaws - I am a very passionate person and I suppose quite needy in some ways, although from speaking with other people I don't think I'm much different. My pattern of thinking is not normal and I'm very distrustful of nearly everybody. I do not deal with stress well and I have been and can be an emotional liability - self harming, breakdowns, medicated and psychotic(ish) episodes.
My emotions however, seem to be largely responsive to the way my DP reacts to me. At the moment, although he is claiming that he wants me to feel stable and secure in 'our' home, he is also the sole homeowner, wage earner and should he decide at 2pm that he no longer wants me in this house, he can effectively get rid of me with minimal effort. I own nothing in this house of any worth, and I also have nowhere other than my Mum's to go to. There is no joint savings or investments and I have very little of my own money to assume any kind of independent life should it happen. He knows this. This happened to my Mum when my Dad left - except they did have joint accounts that he was in serious amounts of debt to, and when they sold the martial house it went to clearing the debts he had incurred unknown to my Mum (she was of a different generation).
So, I want to get married. I do love my DP - I have accepted he is unromantic. I have accepted that he does not do gestures of love. I have learnt that if I want something, chances are there are conditions attached and that I should never get my hopes up too much (he's a goalpost changer). I have even accepted that in order to get married, we would have to go for the bare minimum because DP doesn't like to be the center of attention. I've spent my entire life waiting on the sidelines to feel something special and I recognise that my DP just isn't somebody that likes to make a show of things, even if it was for one day. DP says he wants to get married - at the top of the year he said we'd get engaged this year (although he did say that last year). But I just don't think he will.
At the start of the year, I wanted to get some things changed so I knew that he would commit to something. I wanted to know legally what my options were, so I wasn't presented with the same situation that my Mum was. I wanted him to learn with me, what I was doing in therapy so we could have a better relationship together. I said date nights, even those without costs, would be nice - we've spent the last year spending most of our time on this bloody house. I said that the little things, like the things I do for him (making his favourite meal, going out of my way to make his life easier) would be appreciated. But he just doesn't get it. He has said time and time again that I should 'wait' for this changes to happen. That we WILL get engaged, and I need to stop trying to plan this wedding thing without it because he says the more I try and 'force' this, the least likely he is to do it. Each time this ends in an argument - I have used all my therapy tools to try and have a calm conversation with him about where we stood as each time we argue, nothing gets resolved and I feel hurt and ignored. But he gets defensive, dismissive - tells me how I feel is stupid, that me thinking he is stalling is silly and that he doesn't want this conversation again and again. I get that. I just want it resolved. I want to either get married to someone I do love and see that ability to commit, or for us to civilly part and get on with our lives - we're both 30 and I spent my 20's wasting my life due to my MH issues.
The arguments are brutal. He loses his temper which I fully understand and will throw things. I do the same. I feel misunderstood, dismissed, pathetic and stupid. I end up spending the aftermath of an argument trying to appease him - cooking, cleaning, being kind, keeping my mouth shut to my feelings and then after a week, I end up feeling like he is being complacent. He says he is not. He says I am seeing things that aren't there.
We are now at breaking point, although he won't admit to it. I left on Friday to go back to my Mum's - I had told him during the week that unless I could see something that made me believe that he actually understood what it was I was saying about needing to feel stable/secure, I would leave. And I did. This is normally something I want to do and sometimes say, but I've been blackmailed to stay; he's stopped me from getting on trains (I don't drive), cried and cried and I've felt guilty so have stopped talking and sometimes, I just get so wound up and frustrated that I end up falling asleep through exhaustion and then I just feel I have no strength. Yesterday I came back here for that reason - he has accepted no responsibilty in any of this, and me leaving was entirely my fault and I have messed things up. He said if I wanted this relationship and I wanted these changes, I had to come back. So I did, after two days. I've felt in a crisis since - I can't self harm when he's around because he's said if I do it, he'll harm himself to show me it's not appropriate.
I haven't slept properly, nor eaten. I've cried, I've screamed, I'm sitting here in some kind of catatonic state writing my life away because I just don't know what to do anymore. I just want him to show me these things he says he feels. I can't see why he's stalling - he's not getting anything out of it. I'm always to blame - it's always my fault. I can't trust my emotions/feelings anymore because of my MH condition - it's unravelling and all the monsters are returning and I don't know whether what I feel is true, or my brain is manipulating me. Or whether my DP is manipulating me. He's not abusive - I've wondered whether he's emotionally abusive but none of this 'abuse' comes unless we're arguing or he feels defensive. I can throw insults around too. I try not to but I just get so frustrated - I've spent so much time learning how to control these demons in my head. He went to work this morning, during this crisis, leaving me in bed. I don't feel safe. I know I'll self harm at some point and there is little point telling DP about it because he'll say "Oh well, I have come home now don't I - no choice" - what is the point? I didn't want to speak to his this morning - it'll just descend into an argument, so I blocked him on FB and whatsapp. He can call/text, but he won't - he'll bury his head in the sand at work and hope that when he comes home at 5pm that I'll be right as rain.
I'm sorry for this post length. There is so much more I could say. I feel I can't leave him - he's not an abusive bully, he's not a bad person - he's accepted me for what I am - I understand why he's not romantic and dismissive but I cannot accept why I've had to change so many behaviours to make this relationship work, but he's not prepared to match my commitment. He's sweet and kind to me and he always tells me how beautiful I am. He holds me throughout my psychosis episodes and night terrors but then he dismisses and alienates me. I am so utterly confused. I want it to work, I do.
Please ask objective questions - probing ones. I don't want to do him a discredit because even though I'm hurt and angry and confused, I feel it isn't fair to make him out to be something he's not, especially when he doesn't have the opportunity to explain his side. I want to try and be as objective as possible in order to get workable advice, if that makes sense.
Thanks. x