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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Looking for advice

16 replies

PushedToTheLimit · 10/08/2014 22:30

On how I deal with OW establishing her new role in my children's lives. What makes it all the more difficult for me is she used to be my best friend.

It's been a couple of months since I left my STBXH after the affair was finally admitted. My children are now being forced to spend "family" time with STBXH and OW despite my request that it be delayed for a little while.

I'm dealing with the split very well. But the involvement of OW and who she is is causing me a lot of problems.

Any advice on how to deal with it all?

OP posts:

nappyrat · 10/08/2014 22:32

Sorry no advice, pushed. But just a big hug of support. You sound very dignified and brave. x

heyday · 10/08/2014 22:39

Not sure that you really have any control over events here sadly. Guess when they are with their dad then it's his rules. The tragedy is that the better the children get on with her then the easier and better their lives will be whilst they are with him. The more conflict they encounter then the more difficult their lives will be. I know that must be unbearable to hear.
All you can do is try to allow the children to talk about how they are feeling if they need to and other than that it is just about you trying to find your own strategies to cope with this unbearable situation. Hopefully you have some good friends around you to whom you can rant to so that the children do not have to be exposed to it. It's always the innocent party who gets all the pain and stress.
I truly hope in time that the situation will get somewhat easier for you and the children.

Original poster

PushedToTheLimit · 10/08/2014 22:42

Thank you for the replies so far.

That's what I'm looking for Heyday. Coping strategies. I know I have no control. That's been evident by the agreement between myself and ex that OW wouldn't be involved for a little while, yet they just went ahead anyway.

I'm looking for advice on how I deal with it.

OP posts:

nappyrat · 10/08/2014 22:44

BTW pushed, I think perhaps some comfort for you may be that the more your dc are happy and like her and like spending time with your husband, the better job you are doing in a weird way, because you do - I guess - have the power to make them hate her and hate him to a certain extent. But obviously that would be bad for your wonderful dc, and therefore you, as a mum and a wonderful mum no doubt, will do the opposite, the best for them. And they will realise how wonderful you are in time, they will. x

nappyrat · 10/08/2014 22:45

Keep really busy when they are with stbx - set yourself a goal for the day / weekend - e.g. a full day out doing a long, planned walk, catching the train back etc. Or camp somewhere, or see a friend, anything to keep you busy.

lisaloulou84 · 10/08/2014 22:53

How old are your children?

A similar thing happened to me when I was 16 and my brother and sister 12 and 13. She was also my mums best friend. Tried for about a year to do the family thing before I realised she was actually insane (accumulating in an incident when she almost choked my sister by ramming a carrot down her throat) and I marched out of the door with my siblings and told her I'd never speak to her again. Which I didn't even though my dad stayed with her for a further 6 yrs during which we didn't speak and barely have a relationship now at the age of 29.

The above probably makes you fret, but if you're children are younger and I assume your ex- best friend isn't insane, then all you have to do is the three of you agree to be on the same page and civil and very thing will be fine. Your children don't need to be caught up in any drama and you shouldn't treat it any differently to if he'd met someone new later down the line.

Original poster

PushedToTheLimit · 10/08/2014 23:01

They are younger Lisa. Sorry to hear you had such a bad experience.

I don't think I can be civil. I think that ship has sailed. I have tried very hard but there are just some things that I cannot stomach. I only have anything to do with my ex now because of the children. I don't want anything to do with OW. I just feel sad for my children that they have to spend time with people who can be so selfish and cruel. I hope they do not rub off on them at all.

I don't want my children growing up thinking that it is OK to treat your partner and friends like these people have. I wouldn't do what Nappyrat mentioned and encourage them to hate them or try and ruin their relationships, but I have and will be honest with them when they ask questions.

OP posts:

Original poster

PushedToTheLimit · 10/08/2014 23:03

This is what I mean. How is someone supposed to be able to be "civil" with people who have treated them so despicably? I know the stock answer is "think of the children, it's best for them" but does that completely override the wronged person's feelings and even their mental health? I honestly think me having to pretend everything is OK would send me completely loopy. It has so far. I can't do it.

OP posts:

YvyB · 10/08/2014 23:08

I bet it makes you feel sick to the stomach :(

No advice as to how to get rid of that feeling, I'm afraid but what I would say is use the time for YOU. No rash acts of insanity like taking all the garden rubbish to the dump, cleaning the oven or tidying the dcs' bedrooms. Lots of pampering, indulgence and doing whatever you like. At least you are then getting some benefit from the situation. Well done for maintaining your happy face in front of the dcs - you are doing the very best you can for them and they are so lucky to have you. Maybe the next time the stomach churning starts, look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that even though you feel horrible about it, you are still managing to maintain your dignity which is precisely why you should feel proud of yourself. Then go shopping :D

lordStrange · 10/08/2014 23:14

What would you prefer to do Pushed? What outcome do you want to see?

You have my greatest sympathy, their actions are indeed cruel and selfish.

angel1976 · 10/08/2014 23:43

Pushed my sympathies! My ex left for someone he lives with now and my situation is almost similar (except thank god, she is not a friend...). He also introduced OW very quickly into their lives. They just went on a week-long 'family' holiday. I try to think that if he has always been such a selfish person, I thank god he did this to me now while I'm still young and able to move on (my DCs are only 6 and 4 now...) and the kids are none the wiser and hopefully 'less damaged' by it all. Also, the OW has no DC and I actually feel sorry for her in a weird way... I don't think ex wants any more and if she pushes for it and they have their own DC, she will find out the hard way why he left in the first place...

My DCs came home today after 8 days away and you could see how glad they were to be 'home' despite a lovely holiday away... I've told all my friends that when they get to the rebellious teen years and hate me for their dad leaving, they have to tell them the truth as I think I would actually be too nice to do it to them as they do love their dad... You are doing a great job, stick with it, the best revenge is to live your life well!

Original poster

PushedToTheLimit · 10/08/2014 23:51

Lord, I just wish I didn't care. I know that will come in time. I was wondering if there are any coping strategies to help me on the way.

I feel so much for everyone who has gone through anything like this. Thank you for the replies, they really help.

OP posts:

angel1976 · 11/08/2014 00:12

Pushed, best thing I found is to keep busy... The first six months post-split I went out every time my DCs were with ex. I even went to my best friend's place one weekend and slept in one of her DCs' bunk bed as I didn't want to be 'home alone'.

But I mostly went out with friends I haven't seen for a while, didn't turn down an invite and had an amazing time in general. Of course I had down days but had some really good friends who would ditch their kids with their hubbies if I needed company. I have a partner now and two days after my boys went to my ex recently, I was in flood of tears because I felt this was something I never signed up for; this enforced separation from my DCs. Luckily, we went away to Spain for a few days and that really helped...

Just stay busy and try not to dwell on it.... And things WILL get easier...

heyday · 11/08/2014 02:29

I think the advice given, to keep really busy and try to catch up with things or people that you wouldn't usually have time for is very sound advice.
Put your favourite music on, do some retail therapy and cry as much as you want to. It's impossible not to be overwhelmed with emotion.
Sadly, this is life for you now. Life as you knew it has ceased to exist.
Perhaps take up some sport or other pursuit that can help you get rid of some of the negative energy that this situation is creating.
You will learn ways of getting through this. You are strong and you will not let this woman totally ruin your life. Just keep telling yourself that.

lisaloulou84 · 11/08/2014 06:07

If you find you can't be civil, just make sure you don't let the kids see you upset or see you argue. If you focus on making them being happy and settled when with you the transition will be so much easier. And agreed with other comments that will be easier to do if you enjoy your time when they're with your ex and they're coming home to a happy you.

I came home most weekends to a mother who had looked herself in the bedroom and I'd spend most of my time looking after her while she cried and we overheard arguments and problems were communicated from one parent to the other via us. At 16 it was a premature end to my childhood which had actually been really happy and I now have a poor relationship with both and my mother still thinks she sees the mad ex best friend wherever she goes even after counselling. I went seriously off the rails for a good couple of years and had major commitment issues until I met my current other half 6 yes ago and it doesn't take a psychiatrist to figure out it's down to this!

Don't let it break you, they're the ones who've done wrong, they've just gone you the freedom to be happier.

LIttleMissTickles · 11/08/2014 06:23

Pushed, please don't think there's something wrong with you for not feeling able to be 'civil' to them (?yet). Just try your best, FOR YOU, not for them. They don't deserve an ounce of kindness, but you need to give yourself some control, or sense of control, back. If that comes in the form of a grimace or a blank face, then so be it. Behave the way you want, for you.

It's similar to forgiving someone in order to free yourself of the burden of that hatred/anger, not because they deserve your forgiveness. Does that make any sense? I hope so. I think you're a saint for even trying.

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