problems with sex (long post)

[nosexplease]

OK, so first of all I'm not a troll, but this is a really embarrassing problem I can't share with anyone I really know, or even that I know over the www. Hence the name change.

I don't remember when my problem started, but it is fairly recent. Me & DH start any sort of sexual contact & it's OK to start, but then it's like a big switch goes off in my head & all the feelings go completely. After that it feels very wrong & very sordid.

To start with I just carried on & pretended, but last time we tried I told him to stop. I explained about the problem and said I didn't want to carry on. He was a bit miffed but we stopped. That was 6 weeks ago and of course now it's a huge problem. He keeps pushing and pushing. The more he pushes the more I don't want to join in. It's getting to the point where I'm dreading him being home because I know he's going to start.

He's now making really snide comments like 'of course YOUR knickers don't come off do they' and the relationship is more strained than it has ever been. He's getting snippy with me and I'm getting snippy with him. Many years ago he had a problem and I didn't make it worse by taunting him, so him keep getting at me is just putting my back up.

It's not a pregnancy related thing because my last baby is 12. I'm 39. I have never heard of anyone having this problem and I don't know what to do to sort it out. Has anyone else had this happen? Can I solve it myself or am I going to have to see someone? If so, who? Any ideas would be appreciated. After another little sniping session this morning I was almost out the door after 18 years of marriage. He blames it on my mother and her prudery but I think it's more likely related to the fact that sex is just boring and I'm getting nothing out of it. The sad thing is that it didn't used to be.

When you say fairly recent how recent? Weeks? Months? For how long has the sex been boring?

It does sound a little odd after 18 years suddenly to "switch off" - are you sure there was no trigger? Has your dh had an affair or done something to make you go off him?

recent is probably months rather than weeks. As I said, I can't remember when it started but I was definitely OK this time last year. Can't narrow it down further than that because it had been going on for a little while before 6 weeks ago. 3 months perhaps? No obvious trigger, except that he did have his long hair cut very very short without any warning before Christmas. He knows I hate short hair and it does make him look both fat and ugly (!) Could it be something as simple as that then? (Are you a shrink Countess Drac?)

Oh and the sex has been boring for years, so I'm used to that

have you tried talking to your partner and telling him you dont want sex but it would be nice to have some intamacy you know like cuddles compliments just lying there together just holding each other just things to make you feel that spark again dont panic to much though im basicaly going through the same thing but must say my dp has been great he just says ive always wanted the woman to make the first move hope it works out for you

Believe it or not, the slow decline from exciting sex to routine, unsatisfying, unexciting formulaic sex over years in a stable long term relationship is really really common. Many women find themselves in your position and just seem to wake up one day and find themselves just unable/unwilling to continue, stunned that they suddenly find themselves in this situation. The whole problem, for many, is talking about sex and being open and honest about it is really hard to do - it is so easy to offend, get defensive, upset, confuse, be misinterpreted, cause embarrassment and be embarrassed etc. etc. that somehow just putting up with average sex seems like a reasonable alternative for a while. that is, until you can finally put up with the pretence of everything being ok for no longer and it comes as a huge surprise even to yourself as, lets face it, in order to cope with the "head in the sand, not being particularly open and honest about your emotions" approach to it all has meant that you have even managed to convince yourself that it is ok. But it?s not.
Sorry if I have misread you, but it just sounds so familiar.
So, what next? Well, I bet you know the answer already and were just hoping for an easier option. You have got to sit down and deal with this with your DH in full open discussion about how you feel. If you handle it carefully and tactfully and your DH is able to listen and deal with what you are telling him sensitively and with an open mind then you should be able to work it out between you. If this doesn?t sound likely or just doesn?t work then counselling is another option - but, to be honest, if you find it stressful and difficult to talk and deal with this as a couple, it can be just as difficult doing it in front of a counsellor. The trick is to find the right time and be honest - let him know that you are worried about discussing it as you don?t want to lay blame or be blamed for how you both feel, all you want to do is resolve it and get things moving again. I do sympathise as I know how hard it can be moving out of a situation like yours, but what choice do you have? You could go back to where you were (ignoring the problem and put up with ok sex life) or stand still with your present stand off (massive strain on your whole relationship) or move on. TBH you don?t ahve much option other than to talk. Good Luck. Loads of hugs and sympathy coming your way xxx
So what now, you have found yourself

One tactic a lot of counsellors seem to suggest is to agree to a no sex baseline for two weeks just as a cool off period with both agreeing not to push or come on to the other partner. During this time, cuddles, compliments, other couply activities other than sex is totally encouraged. The idea that you start again and slowly build up that closeness and rekindle the excitement again - the whole romantic deal, candle light bath for two, pampering massages etc. etc. The only factor needed for success is that you both have to be committed to it working and honestly want to sort the problem out with no blame and no hidden agendas or chips on shoulders. Sorry to go on and on Hope some of this helps.

Thanks Ladies. It's such a relief to know I'm not the only one. It isn't something you can talk about at work!

I did try talking to him but he was too ready to start blaming one of us. The last discussion turned into a nasty row. I will have to pick my moment carefully.

Thaks again. Fingers crossed.

This messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlclashing/ is a US site, but it might give you some sort of insight - don't expect a solution, just a few ideas and views about how people try to maintain relationships while suffering from this kind of conflict.

Me and Mrs reallyembarrassedbut haven't been close for over 5 years - we tried a little while ago, and it was clearly no fun for her at all, and the part that hurts most is the doubts as to whether she loves me or not, because the physical side of the relationship either re-inforces the emotional one, or, if it doesn't, and you have fears about the latter, it makes you withdraw, and then the relationship breaks down.

Having said that, while i cry myself blind about it sometimes, i'd hate myself if i thought that she would make love with me because she thought it would shut me up.

I occassionaly find myself in the same position and cannot shed any light on it for you, other than to tell you it does seem to pass. For me, it was the fact that sex had become painful, and my gynae doc told me that because of my hormone prob I had vaginal dryness. She prescribed some oestrogen cream to help (my oestrogen levels are low). It was an awful know for dp and a shock for me. He is gorgeous and the best lover EVER, and yet I found myslef shrinking away from him, whilst still fancying him like mad and fantasising about him whilst sat at my desk, or driving in the car!! LOL!

I agree that explaining probs can help, sometimes partners are unaware of the depth or complexity of what can go wrong 'inside' a lady. Make it utterly non-confrontational, explain that you still love him to bits (if you do) and fancy him (if you do) but that something needs addressing.

There are plenty of 'well women' clinics that you can attend, if you don't fancy telling your doc.

I wish you well

nosexplease no I'm not a shrink!! Just curious as it seemed rather sudden