Tricky social situation, advice needed

[cisk]

Just after some advice from kind mumsnetters for a social situation I've got coming up which I am dreading.

Very abridged version but I used to be (close) friends with someone, had been for many years - still not entirely sure what happened but she appeared to take offence at something very innocuous I said about an issue going on in her private life at the time. Since then she has effectively cold shouldered me despite my attempts at the time to apologise for having unintentionally caused upset.

Matters complicated somewhat by having mutual friends and a desire on my part (and I think hers too) to keep others out of it but while I have tried to move on from it its clear she bears a grudge and is quite frankly quite unpleasant to me if were together in a social situation - refuses to make eye contact, talks over me, turns away. I would come away feeling pretty miserable and as a result made a tactical withdrawal from whole friendship group.

Which brings me to my current dilemma as will have to see her next month at a social event, find her ice queen attitude so wearing and knocks my confidence and leaves me feeling very deflated.

Does anyone have any advice how to deal with this type of situation? If there weren't other friends involved I would probably just try and avoid having to speak to her but invariably I will end up having to interact with her - her behaviour is quite subtle so others might not necessarily realise she's being offhand with me. Can anyone recommend any techniques for "glossing over" someone's hostile behaviour towards them without it ruining the whole event or letting them know they've got to me?

TIA

Be on the front foot...kill her with kindness - take the wind out of her sails - this behaviour is just as exhausting and deliberate from her end.....so be the first to direct a compliment to her directly with warm eye contact in front of everyone else....if she responds rudely it will only show her up in front of the group....be ready with a diffuser the catch-all if she makes a snidely comment is to be ready with a gentle "what do you mean by that" .... so back in her court to explain!!!...dont be frozen out of your group....be in control and enjoy she can decompose and self destruct in her own bitterness.........

Thanks deepest. I have let her push me outside of a friendship group and I've typically retreated from social situations but think I need to regain some control like you say.

Im in a very similar situation and I too backed away from our mutual friends and social situation and feel very sad about it but it is so awkward. She is also very subtle with her behaviour so much so that only 1 of our mutual friends has noticed and the rest seem to think it is some petty quarrel which also makes me feel so embarrassed. If you can follow deepest's advice then thats def the way to go. Unfortunately I feel so awkward that I play into her hands and keep the view that 'both of us are being childish' going. Good luck!

Or….contact her before the event and see if it's possible to meet up and try to bury the hatchet? (preferably not in each others' heads…)

Have you actually spoken properly about the issue since the falling out?

Oh god, she sounds awful! YY to deepest and laura- give the most flattering comments you can think of... Then ignore.
I have dealt with people like this before in this way, disarm her with kindness/flattery... She won't know where to look!

But then walk away. Don't get drawn in to anything, hope it goes ok.

Thanks all.

Laura it is sad but I do think perhaps we were never the good friends I thought we were if she could turn like this.

Clobbered, I think unfortunately the moment has passed but always got the vibes it wasn't up for discussion anyway.

This is - defo going to approach it head on, be bright and breezy but then retreat.

Argh!

Agree with what's been said . Smile at her and compliment her instantly, could be how gorgeous her dress is and then turn to another friend and direct the conversation towards them and away from the first woman.

Don't give her the opportunity to make you feel bad about yourself.

yes cisk thats what I thought. I realised that the person i thought was my best friend never was at all. Sounds like a good plan. Do let me know how it goes as i will be thinking of you! The situation makes me feel so awkward I just avoid such meetings but I really want to be able to act as suggested to you!

Laura the very same thing has happened to me with my
'Best friend' and our mutual friends and acquaintances. She took a dislike to something I said, rather bizarrely our friendship is now effectively nil.
However in group situations I've been very friendly initially but not sought out her company after the initial pleasantries and it seems to work for me.
It's been rely difficult as it has been a grief like process however I refuse to let it ruin other relationships I have. Also, she has since been rude about me to other mutual friends where I've not really said anything. Sometimes there is a lot to be said for the moral high ground however difficult it is.
But stick in there with other friends and you may find different friendships develop as you've suddenly got more time on your hands.

I wish I could have done that Marmalade and i will try to. I totally understand when you say its like a grief process. It took me a good year to two to get over it and I still have moments of feeling hurt.I just think its tricky with mutual friends as you don't know what they have been told or really think. I have made lots of separate friends now but these tricky situations till arise as I still like our mutual friends. It very strange that some people can cut you out of their lives for what amounts to nothing really, just something for some reason that they don't like/agree with. Ive never experienced anything like it before but sadly obviously others have aswell!

I know it really is quite bizarre and leaves me speechless sometimes how cold people can be. Especially ones that you were once close to.