Feeling really lonely and depressed right now.

[cupcake30]

I'm really down in the dumps tonight and I hope someone can give me some sound advice on how to move forward from here.
I'm married to a wonderful man and have two small children who are everything to me, but that's where my world ends. I've got a mum who lives in the next town who is very supportive and generous where the children are concerned, and two sisters who I'm fairly close with but i have literally no friends. It's been like that for a long time and periodically bothers me, but for some reason lately it has started to really upset me. I've been taking a long hard look at myself these last few weeks and have come to the conclusion that it's all my own doing. People do try to befriend me, invite me out and set up meetings in the park with the kids or whatever, but I always push them away.
I think the answers lie in my childhood. My parents never had friends over and outsiders were always viewed with distrust. I don't think my father had a single friend and the one or two my mum had were never really present. We were generally viewed as an oddball family. I always had plenty of friends at school and was very popular but once I hit the age of about 15 for some reason my confidence took a nosedive (I suspect it may have had a lot to do with my aggressive, domineering father and my cold, distant mother) and I became really socially awkward. Wherever I went from that point forward (college, first job) I always felt out of place and quickly became pegged as aloof, ignorant, arrogant etc. I don't think I am these things - I just didn't really know how to fit in.
So I've been living this friendless life now for well over ten years. Always pushing people away, afraid thst they will see I'm really not bubbly and confident and that inside I'm still an oddball and I don't know how to relate to others.
My husband doesn't think there's a problem. He says I know a lot more people than him, I'm just flakey which is why people get fed up and drift off. But how do I overcome the problem? It must be a confidence thing, despite the fact that I'm outwardly very self assured. Any light shed on this would be most appreciated. Thanks in advance. x

No idea how to overcome this. You do have one great thing going for you is that people do invite you. First step is maybe just try to say yes to the next offer.
Hope it improves and you start to feel better.

I came from a family with no friends - no one ever (ever) came to play. All invites were declined. Due to my parents, not me.

A teacher encouraged me to start saying "yes", starting with a school evening event. Every fibre in my body screamed "no" but I forced myself to go and enjoyed myself.

Start saying "yes". Try one a week or once a fortnight if that is manageable? Try inviting people back for play dates too?

BTW, we all think we are oddballs.

Thank you for your help. I made it my New Years resolution to start saying yes and actively making friends. I've accepted almost all invitations since then but can't seem to forge a proper friendship with any of the people I've met. My husband's probably right... I pull back and then start making excuses as to why I can't meet up again, they get bored and drift off.
I wondered if I needed some professional help? Hubby also claims that I never really let go with him either, that I am always holding something back. In the past I've suffered with panic attacks and problems with self esteem. I did have a bit of counselling about 8 years ago. I turned to drink to deal with childhood issues (one of my father's friends molested me and both of my parents ignored the problem until it just went away). I'm confused really, that's the bottom line. I want to change and have girlfriends and be normal.

You have a lot going on right now. How about stop waiting for an invite and instead you make the first move to ask a couple of friends out. Perhaps you could start going to a regular evening class for example whereby you could get into the habit of meeting up with people regularly.
Take things slowly and don't put too much pressure on yourself.
Some people need friends more than others. Perhaps you are a bit of a loner in some ways.
You are aware of the problem so now try to make small steps to solve it. Could you invite mums round so that all the children could play together and the ladies can spend a bit of time trying to establish a friendship and move on from there. Good luck cupcake.