Am I flaky? How can i be a good friend/ aquantaince?

[barnet]

I have moved around alot in my life, through childhood and beyond, living in around 7 contries for a few years each. I have had great friends at different stages. But i get sad that i have no longer got any of those friends, without face to face contact I cannot maintain them. I don't send birthday cards or letters. Should I? I know some lovely people in my present country, where i have been for 6 years, and will stay here (want the kids to grow up in one place, and be settled). We are invited to people, they make an effort to contact me. I love to see them but hardly invite, am quite shy and like company but not for hours and hours, i suppose.
I feel like a flake, why should they have to make all the effort?
Can you help me with an action plan to be a better friend? I don't use facebook (have a profile but the constant stream of conciousness tires me out).
How often should i contact friends? Can i revive old friendships just by email even if i cannot see those people again (different countries)?
If a friend sends me a message i feel anxious, that i have to reply, or have to arrange something.
I seem to be social and antisocial at the same time.
For background, Have 2dcs and FT job. And feel like i haven't got time to do everything that needs to be done, let alone maintaining friend- ties.
Advice welcomed! I think i am flaky, and want to know how to be better. Thanks.

I've kept in touch with friends from way back who now live far away, and our routine (it is mutual; no keeping tabs on my turn/their turn) is to phone each other from time to time for a good - up to an hour - catch up. It's probably only once every two months, but seems to work for us. In practice I'd say that I'm making one of these calls every two or three weeks. I'm in the fortunate position of being able to devote the time to this, but with your job and DCs you mightn't find it easy.

If you do decide this is the way to go with old friends you need to make sure that the time you're calling them is convenient for a chat - sometimes it takes a few tries, or a few days of telephone tag before we actually get to speak.

When my friends are in my area or I'm in theirs we'll try to meet up. I do send birthday and Christmas cards, but you may think it'll be strange if you suddenly start this habit. A postcard's always nice to get, though, and not dependent on specific dates.

With regard to your current location, yes - you do need to reciprocate the invitations you're getting or they'll dry up! If you don't want people at your house for hours on end you could suggest an afternoon tea or morning coffee. Or a meal out together at a local restaurant.

You sound like the sort of person who'd be a thoughtful friend, but it does require a bit of effort from both sides.

Thank you optimist. Postcards are a good idea. I shall stoke a few of the old fires and see if any embers are still glowing :). Afternoon tea / morning is tricky with work, and we end up wanting weekends to be family time as we haven't seen each other and the dcs much all week.
With the dc's it is hard to go out to a restaurant etc. But a picnic on a good day could work! How do you limit the time though if people end up coming to the house, i wonder?
Regards phoning, that does sound good, but i do find it makes me a bit anxious and i love face to face chats so much more. But you are right i have to make the effort!

Hmm.. yes, I see what you mean about time available for meeting up with your current friends. Are you thinking in terms of couples get-togethers or just mums?

Both really. It's easier for everyone not to have to get babysitters. But of course the DPs could look after the kids for an evening. It's just having to always be going to work the next day that makes a night out seem tiring. Less work would help! So it leaves the weekends i guess. It is really helpful to write this all down by the way, and see the options and the obstacles!

i would try and do something with a friend once a month. or every 3 weeks if possible. and cycle through your friends. if you find that some people come to your house and over stay their welcome, arrange to meet somewhere else and have a good reason for not inviting them back.

email friends you've lost contact with. if you have a nice email exchange, arrange to meet up. otherwise don't worry about it.

i think it's important to keep up friendships but we're all so busy. i also make sure that when booking up things at weekends, we have some free time as a family. if that only leaves one evening free, so be it. one saturday evening once a month should be doable.

eddie, you are right, one evening a month is doable and will be worth alot. I shall book an evening and just invite some people.

I've seemed to keep roughly one really good friend from each period / area of my life. Plus some less close but still good friends. They are really important to me. Email and text is the quick and simple way to just stay in touch. I try to send bd cards to my closest friends but also have a huge family so actually Facebook is good here for sending good wishes.

You ask are you a flake? Well, IME the answer lies in how you respond to less than marvellous times. Do you call when someone is sick or loses a parent or any of the other crap that happens? Tbh it's the stayers that do this.

I have really good friends I might only see once a year but that's ok. I think to some extent it's the background to the relationship that counts. I've not been well and had random calls from people I knew way back and tbh I found that really uncomfortable.

also, i'm afraid i ditch the ones that don't reciprocate. i wittle away the crap ones and make sure i hang on to the good ones. you'll find you don't have long lists of friends, but a few good ones that are worth keeping in contact with.

Sounds as though the ball is about to roll, OP - enjoy!

Yes matilda i'm good when times are hard, but inconsistent i think. I don't just drop someone a line, so maybe don't find out they are having a hard time.
I respond but don't initiate, i think. I shall be ditched if I'm not careful, eddie.
I am wary of reinitiating friendships which have fallen by the wayside for a few months, in case i can't put in the necessary maintenance, and feel guilty. But i miss them!

well if you try your 1 a month target, you will start initiating things. and if you invite two sets of friends, that's 2 birds with one stone.

i'm not judging btw - i tend to react as well. but when it's a friend i really like i try to make an effort otherwise i think they will drift away.

just start small. a lot of friends you only need to see once or twice a year to keep things going.