How to help friend - OH left for OW after 20 yrs

[fiestyforty]

A wonderful schoolfriend I have known for many many years is understandably completely devastated and suffering terribly - her husband of 20 years announced completely out of the blue that he was leaving her to live with the mother of their DS's best friend. She is in so much pain and I feel utterly helpless, I have really only managed to be a listening ear over the last few weeks since it happened. We live in different parts of the country but she is coming to stay for a few days next week with her DCs. My OH and her OH were also friends (not as close) and neither of us can believe that this man we thought was kind and decent has done this to his wife and teenage children, we are still in shock.
Can anyone who has experience of this advise what I can do to help, or at least not make things even worse for her? I am so angry at her OH but so far have resisted being too negative about his character as she still hopes he will come back.

Maybe your dH can take all the children camping and your friend gets to stay with you and cry in peace?

Being a listening ear is about the best you can do in the early days, especially if she lives at a distance. If she's coming to stay, stock up on plenty of wine and make sure she eats and gets some rest.

FWIW kind decent men do selfish/impulsive things all the time. Also, bear in mind that none of us really know the true state of friends' relationships. Reserve judgement on him as you're doing therefore and just make sure your friend is OK.

Don't express your negative feelings about him - it always leads to resentment from the wronged wife.
Do listen and give a hug, make a cup of tea, that kind of thing.

I think KiaOra's suggestion is great. The friend needs time to be able to process this without it being right in her children's faces. Her OH's callous disappearing act has robbed her of that.

Let her sleep, encourage her to go for walks, and rest. The tiredness after something like that goes to your core. Don't ask her to make decisions, just make suggestions. I found I didn't want to eat, and nothing had much flavour, but small amounts of different types of food were manageable. Let her talk as much or as little as she wants. I think it's ok to label his behaviour as that of the utmost fuckwittery (however bad the marriage there are much better ways of getting out) but I agree you won't do her any favours by being rude about him.

Just let her talk, try not to be judgemental about OH and just continue to be the good friend that obviously you are. She will be desperately trying to surround herself with some security at the moment and you can be that crutch whilst she stays with you.
Try to get the DC out during the daytime, keep them busy and keep some structure for them. They will be going through an awful lot of pain and insecurity at the moment so they need a distraction. Try to ensure that your friend does not talk about OH and the situation whilst the children are within earshot.
In time she may need you to offer more practical advice but atm all she probably needs is a good friend, one who has a hearty supply of Kleenex and has endless patience as she will probably talk about nothing else but her current situation for hours on end.

Yes, don't be judgemental.

Firstly, they may get back together.
Secondly, no one ever knows what goes on behind closed doors. My brother was shocked when my exH had an affair and I kicked him out. But over the past year, I've told him a bit more about what went on in the marriage and he genuinely had no idea. Of course he didn't.

My exH wasn't right to have an affair, but ours was not a happy marriage. Although it definitely looked it to the outside, and I was still devastated when it happened.

At the moment she just needs to know she can talk to you and you're going to support her and not get angry on her behalf or bored.

Thanks for all your advice. The camping idea is a great one as I know she's had virtually no time without her DCs since it happened because of school holidays and she's been trying to put on a brave face when they're around.
I will continue to take the approach that her OH was a good man who has done an awful thing. I think it's the suddeness of it all, and the fact that my friend had no idea about the affair, even though it had been going on a considerable length of time which has been such a shock. She thought that they were happy.

My mother left for my best friends dad. Devastating.

You sound like a lovely friend op.