Clueless about datind dos and donts :(

[gottafindaman4yagirl]

Hi Ladies on here looking for advice from other mums who have found themselves single and are doing the dating thing. I have been single a year and over the past two months been using POF dating site, also I am pretty clueless after coming out of a 13 year marriage and took me a while to build confidence and think about dating.

Thing is I seem to never get past second date, guys refer to me as Delicate or lovely which must be a turn off for them.

Any of you ladies have experience with how to act, I got a couple of books called:Why Men Love B( name for female dog ;), He's not that into you, The rules.......Do these books actually give good advice?

Had a date the other night, nice guy and we stayed in pub chatting until closing time, I got tipsy and asked him back to mine, ended up having you know what and it was exciting and first time in over a year. But will this guy bother to go out with me again or have I totally lost his respect.

Have to admit I feel bad about myself today, he left early and gave me a kiss and ask me to text him my number. Did so and he texted back that "He had a lovely night, I am a lovely lady and hope we can have a drink or something in near future". I think he's being polite.

Have I messed up and are there really rules to all this dating, last time I dated I was 18.

I really like the guy but cant see him seeing me in a good light now :/

Advice please.

My opinion would be to try and not over think too much OP. You aren't doing anything "wrong" it sometimes just takes a while (or a long time!) to find somebody you click with.

Also, I would advise not having sex on a first date if you are going to feel bad afterwards. Casual sex can be great, but only if you are in a place where you are mentally strong enough to cope. Oh and forget the whole thing about a man thinking less of you for sleeping with him...any man who thinks like that isn't worth having anyway!

Is Why Men Love Bitches the one that tells you not to wear overly sexy underwear for a first time session; in case the man thinks you're too promiscuous? I would suggest you just fling it out of the window if so...

Hi Justred, Thanks for taking the time to reply, I will certainly throw the book out, and I think your right about over thinking. My last relationship was very complicated when it came to being intimate and I think I have never had a healthy sex life.

Think I will just think of this as something to learn from, did enjoy the night just felt like I should of been more in control.

Don't beat yourself up about the night OP. Chalk it up from experience, and try and learn from it. Think about how you could have kept the control better, and what you weren't 100% comfortable with. Then next time you will know how to handle the situation better.

A year really isn't long after a 13 year relationship though. Perhaps you need a bit more time to really sort out the issues you have been left to deal with. Especially with regard to intimacy issues; these can take a while to work through. Have you had any counselling? It could prove very beneficial to you.

If you do loose his respect then by definition he's the type of idiot you wouldn't have wanted to be with long term anyway, and at least you got a shag out of it.

I agree with the PP, although I did the same as you. thought i had to get right back out there quickly. fwiw, i thought the sherry argov one was funny and the 'he's just not that into you' one was ok, but a bit dogmatic in its insistence that only men ever do the running.

I read these books years ago, when I felt like I was interviewing for a prize. But in reality I still had a lot of boundaries up around myself and I wouldn't have been ready for a relationship with a nice guy who made me FEEL good. At that point I know I would have been too focused on what he appeared to be.

Over time I got used to being single and it became more like a man would literally have to knock me over with our compatibility before I'd go on a date with him. So make sure you read books that boost your own sense of self worth as well as books specifically about dating. I agree that a year is absolutely nothing.

Thanks all, I have a sister but her opinion of men is that there all the same, which I don't believe.

The guy has texted me a few times since the night but I am just going to see what happens and try not to over think everything. I have been on four pof dates and he's the only one I really fancied and felt comfortable with.

Have had some interesting dates but with all of them I was happy to get home and chill out alone after the date.

Plantsandflowers, I like your attitude and now thinking about it I did get what I wanted, maybe I surprised myself. I am not going to feel bad about it because its not something I often do, went without for a year and when the guy was leaving I did joke that he would have to do the walk of shame home, he commented that there was nothing shameful about it :) and kissed me goodbye.

He is ten years older than me, not that it bothers me. POF can be soul destroying and I have felt pretty down at times. I am happy to be out of my old relationship and coming on here really helped me make the decision to end it. But I do feel lonely at the weekends when ex has kids and it seems everyone is coupled up.

There's a thread on here 'dating 78', loads of lovelies talking about online dating and loads of advice!

I used OD due to boredom when the children were with ex, I never expected to find 'the one' but did! I looked on every date as an adventure not the be all and end all. I also would look for what I DIDN'T want in a potential instead of what I did want.

Basic rules -
Always have a friend know where you're going and for them to expect a text (a toilet text so they know you're ok). You can also request that they call you with an emergency 'little Timmy has fallen down the well and you must rush home' if the date is a nightmare. Your date should understand that a friend is watching out for you, if not then that's their problem.
NEVER meet at your house. EVER. Never take them back until you're more comfortable, like 3 dates in.
Do not feel obliged to kiss them.
Always meet in a busy cafe/bar close to public transport.
Gut instincts are there for a reason, act on them.
PoF is (imo) for guys who send cock photos. Be prepared for these, and learn how to use the block feature on your phone! Also use another email address instead of your main.
Keep an open mind about potential suitors, you never know you might like bungee jumping!
But enjoy each date as a separate entity and night out rather than future husband material!

I met mine on OKCupid, wasn't sure from photos if I'd fancy him (he's a total metalhead) but we had great banter. Totally fell head over heels, 4 yrs on (one minor split) were engaged, live together and are trying for a baby