How do I move on?

[Really1]

Had been with my now exDH for 15 years (since teens) & married for 7 years, when all of a sudden, 3 years ago he decided he wanted out.
He said he no longer loved me & wasn't sure how he was feeling & after nearly a yr of coldness towards me he left me & our lovely family home & 2 DC 2 yrs ago.

Obviously I thought he was having an affair & was like the FBI trying to find things out but it's come to light since then that he hasn't (& hasn't had anyone since). He was under a lot of stress at work which I didn't know about & had some debts too but for some reason he said he just wanted out & refused counselling or to go to the docs to see if he was depressed.

We separated, sold the family home and I brought alone & he put his money in the bank and moved in with his parents & is still there now.
We have accepted life apart & get on fine when dropping the kids to each other etc, except I haven't. Accepted life apart that is. I was so strong in the beginning, sorting out my finances, buying my house etc
but now I feel like I'm grieving all over again.
I was seeing someone for a few months this year but ended it due to not having any feelings towards him & the fact I'm still crying over my marriage, he was a lovely guy but I just wasn't there emotionally.

I feel like I'm in a nightmare & I just want to wake up. ExH was my first and only love & I'm not sure il ever be able to get over him.
I cry myself to sleep almost every night and put a brave face on every morning so I can go to work & try & stay normal for the kids etc but it's draining.
It's been 3 years since the day he said he wasn't sure if he loves me anymore & my heart is still in pieces but I feel like because it's been 3 years everyone thinks I'm probably over it & obviously I'm not.
One of the main reasons I feel like I do is because I haven't had closure. ExH has said things lately along the lines of him leaving being a mistake but never actually said those words so I'm still not sure if he regrets it all or if he knows he made the right decision. Not saying us being back together would be the right thing but I feel like I just need to know how he's feeling & why he left as it might help me to move on but he won't talk.

I don't want to keep crying and I want to feel happy again but I just feel I'm in a big floating bubble that I can't get out of.

How long will the grieving last? And will I ever feel ready to love again? I am void of all feelings at the moment & so down :(

Been there, know how it feels. So sorry, OP.

Things that helped me were redecorating my bedroom and buying new bedding, changing my car, rearranging furniture and introducing some new pieces - basically I made the house look very different from how it had been so it became 'my' territory. That helped me feel more independent and confident as an individual rather than half of a couple.

I also took care of myself so I was happy with my appearance and chose to spend my free time with lovely friends who I knew just wanted to enjoy my company rather than trying to do the things we'd done together by myself all the time feeling half of the experience was missing.

It was really hard but consciously investing in ME and ds helped me to re-tune my focus until I realised that exh wasn't actually necessary to my happiness. 11 years later and I genuinely barely even remember what being married was like. Be very kind to yourself - literally do the things you would do for someone recovering from an illness (relaxing baths, good quality food, cups of tea in the sunshine, walks in beautiful countryside) and remind yourself that you deserve all those things entirely in your own right.

Thank you yvyB.
I brought my house last year so had that to keep me busy and there are a few things I want to get done before winter sets in like replace & paint fences & sort front drive out!
It's hard to do the relaxing bath thing or nice long walks when you have 2 pre school children & a full time job! If I do ever have a spare second to myself I just feel guilty that I'm not spending it with the kids or doing something productive!
I just want to stop crying myself to sleep every night.

Perhaps you might benefit from a low dose anti depressant or some herbal mood boosters. I can image that you are pretty exhausted trying to look after 2 young children and work full time so perhaps you have become a bit run down lately which is making you more emotionally fragile.
Try to spend some quality time by yourself, even if it is only for short periods. Spoil yourself a little. Confirm to yourself that your exDH and yourself are never going to be re united and focus your efforts on being the best parents you both can be.
Perhaps you could go on the occasional date just to boost your self confidence a bit. Don't go looking for anything too serious at the moment. Every time you find yourself dwelling on it, quickly change your thoughts to something more positive and happier.

I was thinking of possibly trying some councelling to help change my mind set? But I'm not sure how to go about it?
I was on anti D's when exH first walked out for about 6 months or so, I think they helped but I can't help but feel that they are a short term solution and the problem only comes back when you come off them?

Oh & I've been taking Premtis herbal hormonal supplements for about a month and a half but they don't seem to be helping.

Full time working mum here too! It is hard to find spare time for nice things. I just do what I can to keep chores to a minimum - online grocery shop, fairly routine meals Mon-Fri, ds responsible for keeping room tidy etc and we muddle through.

Next time you feel like a good cry, do it by all means but at the same time remind yourself that if your exh was actually worth missing, you wouldnt be in this situation. It's a 'hope for a certain type of life' that you are really missing, not a person. The positive there is that while it is really sad that you don't have the family life you hoped for, it is completely in your control to decide how best to make the life you have got instead suit as many of your needs as possible.

I actually think it becomes a sort of 'loss of innocence' that you grieve for in the end.

This is a long painful process and it's demoralising when you suffer setbacks along the way. But I promise you'll get back on track.

I agree with heyday. Would you consider meds for anxiety and sleeplessness?

From what I've read on MN threads it is unbelievably frustrating and upsetting when one partner decides game over and can't or won't articulate why.

Your ex did you a huge disservice not giving you an adequate explanation. It's the least he could have done.

Initially you swung into action partly because having two infants you didn't have the luxury of sitting and weeping. But your heart takes a while to catch up with your head and to an extent you're still grieving.

Keep supportive friends and family close. Look into individual counselling.

Live for the moment - when you do find yourself enjoying something try and revel in it.

Either go back to your GP or have a look online at
www.bacp.co.uk for information about how counselling can benefit you.