DS acting strangely with his dad

[Solasum]

DS is 8mo. His dad is unfortunately fairly absentee. This afternoon he did see DS, from 2-5 on their own, at my house and a brief walk, then with me until 6.

DS is generally a very happy and confident baby, and great with other people. He has been at nursery part-time for a few months.

I got back and made DS his meal, for dad to help him, then have a bath. Normally he eats really well and loves his bath. Today he cried and cried when ex tried to feed him and ate only a few spoons from me, and was completely still and frightened in the bath then cried and cried after. His dad got quite upset and said DS obviously hates him.

I am not sure what is best for me to do hoing forward. Dad knows he ought to see DS more but chooses not to. I obviously don't want DS to be distressed. Dad is never going to get better if he doesn't at least try, but he was trying today and ut wasn't a positive experience for either of them. Should I stay with them when they are together? Usually this means DS ignores everyone but me, which clearly will not help in this situation.

Help!

Your baby might have separation anxiety, which is just a normal developmental stage, seeing you leaving causes him anxiety. It is very normal but very stressful to keep up interactions with anyone during this time. My dd1 had it for about two years and wouldn't even cuddle her grandparents when they saw her for the first time ever. You can't make babies not have it (google it if you want to know what it is) all you can do is try to keep him in the loop of people he might accept- this is hard though.

Don't set too much store by this one day though, it might also have been teething, another reason, and just encourage the contact. I would leave them to it tbh, if he's a proper dad he will have to cope with the crying times as well as the fun times, you wont' be able to fix it so they always have fun. It is also normal for parents who are together to have their babies prefer one or the other, there are always threads on this as the miffed parent feels terrible, but it is a normal developmental stage and you can't blame the baby.

Ah poor thing, it probably just felt so unfamiliar to him and he got confused and unsettled. The only thing is I think you all should persevere. Maybe try shorter periods like an hour or so, just to get him used to it.

Contact is already only about 4 hours a month. I really really don't want to suggest making it shorter. :(

He's just a baby and you can't make him act nicely to someone he barely sees even if it's his dad. He wouldn't know that. The effort should come from the dad, and as I read it the dad chose not to see him often and I feel he's now making the child's behavior an excuse not to really see him more often instead of the other way around. If the dad is really willing to do his obligation to your son, you can talk things out,but if he's an unwilling father then he will just find other excuse for himself.

At only four hours a month, basically the dad is a stranger. It may be not until he is older that any meaningful interaction can occur and contact may be lost by then. This is not your fault, and if the dad only wants a small amount of contact, the consequence will be what happened today really, he simply isn't spending enough time with him to get over the anxiety/separation thing which is normal at this age.

OK, you are in a potentially negative cycle here - the less ds and dad see of each other, the more difficult it is - for them both.

You are ds's primary carer and his bond is with you. But imagine what you would do if a good friend came to babysit your ds. You would encourage her to hold him, your voice would reassure your ds. If your friend was worried about ds getting upset, you'd reassure her that he sometimes gets upset with you too....

Can you do this with ds's dad? Can you help him to learn how to parent his son? I know it seems unfair that you have to do this, but truly you are the best person to teach him.

At the very least, can you allow him to be a presence in your ds's life - to be there while you feed him, or bath him, so that as your ds grows older he can form his own bond with his dad? It may take time, but it will be worth it in the end - for him, (and for you) and most importantly for your ds.

The thing is venus, he is absolutely fine with everyone else. Though admittedly it is mainly women in his life.

Ex doesn't appreciate being told what to do.I feel I can't win here.

I had the exact same, 3 hours a fortnight, DD got worse and worse, ended up shaking and sobbing as soon as she saw him each time by 12 m/o so we agreed for us to do contact together. I think letting her get upset for so long set their relationship back a lot, but at just over 1 I started staying and reassuring her whenever she needed it, and by 20 months she wouldn't cry much during contact, by 22 months he was able to take her out for hour or so and she'd be silent and 'sad' still but not crying or having an after effect of clinginess or insecurity with me.

I'm glad we took it slowly as her dad's bothering less and less as she gets out of the 'cute to show off' baby stage, so putting her through any more upset this past year just to force her to put up with it for his sake would have been a complete waste.

Also, DD is very confident, at nursery, and usually fine with other people so it was a very strange reaction for her, which IMO needs listening to.

That sounds very upsetting GreenGrass, I am glad things improved though. I will think about having a word with Ex and asking if he would prefer me to stay around.

It's just one day where he has experienced the unfamiliar. Keep with it so he becomes used to other people including his dad and others.

Can I ask why it's only four hours?

Your baby is acting perfectly normally for a child of this age. They often get clingy to mum and shy around strangers and his dad is essentially a stranger if he only sees him 4 hours per month. You will either have to carry on but be present during contact until your baby outgrows this or dad needs to up his contact time so your baby doesnt see him as a stranger.

If you are going to offer to stay with him, or say you are happy for your ex to come more often for short periods, or any other suggestion you think of to help your ds, I would like to recommend you do it by email or text.

This way you have 'proof' (that will hopefully never be needed), that you are not obstructive to contact, as "my ex won't let me see the dc" is too often the stock excuse for men that rarely/never see their dc.

Quite likely, because Ex is in a new relationship, and needs to relax at the weekend.

I used to try and encourage him to spend more time with DS, but I have stopped nagging now.

Whereisegg I will do that, thank you. Previously I have emailed him suggested dates so we could plan ahead, but he ignored my email.

He would do far better spending 4 x 15 minutes per week, rather than 4 hours per month.

He would be better spending an hour per week. Has he been offered weekly contact? Who's idea was 4 hours per month?

Would yous reconsider the current set up

Quite, when I was pregnant he wanted to come over every day. For the first few weeks he did, then he met someone else. I then suggested he come over once or twice a week midweek after work every week, and spend half a day every weekend with DS. His priorities lie elsewhere. It is categorically not the case that I am preventing hin seeing DS. I even encouraged him to see DS with his girlfriend if that worked better for him. This happened once only.

Your baby is behaving as if he is a stranger...because he is. Agree much more frequent contact for much shorter periods of time. You to be there at all times until ds is happy and relaxed in his dad's company.

It's really way too much to expect ds to just go off happily. I hesitate to say cruel but it's definitely not good for him and he's telling you both loud and clear.

Ok. Just wondered. So he doesn't want to see ds any more than four hours per month?

Oh well I suppose the other posters are right. He, at the moment is little more than a stranger to your baby. And I suppose he will remain that way unless there is some sort of change in the contact set up.