Ok I know its August but how do I say No to narc DM coming for Xmas

[cuddybridge]

She has just been for her 1st limited visit for my Ds 18 birthday after being vile to my DH last year.
She refused to come for Xmas last year as I didn't ask her in the right way, however she will be expecting to come this year, as usual.
My DH will be very upset if I say yes, and yes I do know that no is a complete sentence, but it feels very scary, any suggestions ladies?

Just don't ask her, don't mention it, if she raises the subject just say 'we need a quiet one on our own this year' No sorry or excuses.

How did she behave this visit?

I second Fuck

What Dragon said.

Just don't mention it.

"we have plans for xmas" and change the subject back to her ;-)

Oh and if she asks what plans just say "im not quite sure yet, its a bit vague at the momment, you know how it is!" "no final plans yet"
Or
" just plans "

She was on her best behavior this time, but we've been here before and she "relaxes" on her next visit and all the nastiness just pours out of her.
I managed the ignoring last year until Nov, when the P/A nonsense got too much and I invited her, to be told 3 days later that I didn't do it in the right way
Im way too trained by her not to feel fog, but my DH needs me to be on his side, and doesn't deserve to have to put up with her shit.
He compromised on this visit as I said I wouldn't then invite her for Xmas, and I now need to follow through

She however feels that as she's been allowed back all last years "nonsense" is now last years thing and the slate is wiped clean.

However I don't think my DH will ever forgive her, and if my Mil had said the things she said, she wouldn't be stepping foot in my house again, so I really do have to back him up here

If you dont feel able to be honest (it can be hard i know) then perhaps say you will be spending xmas away. At someones house. So she cant tag along.
Or even see if that is indeed possible?

Could you say you have been invited elsewhere and decided to accept?

Loads of sympathy OP and yes it does feel scary. Christmas angst has started in this house too! FFS, why do we have to have this bullshit every year?!

Anyway, I agree with other posters to just keep it vague and breezy at this stage. Nearer the time, just don't invite her or say 'oh we've decided to do X this year' with no apology or further explanation. You have a right to enjoy Xmas and spend it how you choose, not humouring some toxic person

Just say 'sorry it's not possible this year'
And repeat the same words everytime the conversation comes up
Don't get into the why's & wherefore's just keep saying the same sentence

You have plans.
Change conversation
You are spot on...she has been "good" this time so will revert to type next time.
You need to support your Dh.
Your mil comment is very telling...

Thanks for all your comments, at least no one thinks that Im not being reasonable in not inviting her, I will try to brazen out the ignoring, and practise a breezy, oh we're busy this year, she won't be fooled, but hey its just another tantrum to deal with.
its been such a peaceful year

Your choices are to betray your promise to DH and set yourself and your whole family up for a shit Christmas, and the aftermath of that.

Or, you say no, let her tantrum, and have a lovely peaceful Christmas, with the added bonus that you keep the promise you made DH. If you are really lucky she will throw such a strop that she goes NC with you

Remember that no is a complete sentence and do not elaborate further. Tell her what she deserves to know - nothing.

At the very least now, you need to redefine as well as raise your all too low boundaries with regards to your mother. Have a look at the website as well entitled Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. It may well help you going forward as well. She certainly trained you, the damage these people can do to their victims is indeed frightening.

I would also suggest you post on the "Well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages, there are also women with narcissistic mothers on there too.

She did NC me last year, and sent me a horrible letter.
Then she called on xmas day to say she was all alone with a ready meal and yesterdays crossword. But then she can't help herself and added that she actually had 4 other invites for Xmas but as she couldn't come to me she had turned them all down!!
I just need to say strong, if she was anyone else's DM, I would be saying ignore ignore, but its soo much harder when its your mum

However I don't think my DH will ever forgive her, and if my Mil had said the things she said, she wouldn't be stepping foot in my house again, so I really do have to back him up here

Yes you do.

I've been NC with my own mother getting on 13 years. My db has been NC with her about 9.

You are in fog as you wouldn't have let her step one foot in after her treatment of your husband. The Christmas Day thing, I've had similar, phone calls on Xmas Eve about wanting to commit suiside, nobody loves her....got a phone call of my 'd' m on my 16th birthday (was living with
Df) and she told me she has tried to hang herself and had been committed to the MH ward. She also did it on my db 16, 18 and his gf 21.

My mother could be a very generous woman , but gifts always came with strings attached. She could be funny and gregarious and then terribly cruel. It actually really fucked my head up. I never realised the damage she was doing. Even after going NC it was a good few years when I allowed myself to really think about the person she is. I cried for a long time, for the little me, that had to deal with her behaviour. I thought I was always pissing her off and I needed to walk faster, straighter , talk nicer, eat quieter, smile and not show my bad tooth list goes on.

I do still pangs of sympathy for her though but my db quickly puts them to bad.

Now MIL is similar as bad. But I could spot it a mile away. She has mentally tortured SIL for 18. She is one of the main reasons they are getting divorced. BIL stuck up for his wife in an airy fairy way but never really got behind her. Because I can see mil for who she is I've never pandered to her. DP has always gone with my wishes and she knows not to push too hard as she knows DP will pick me. She has been flying under the radar for about 13 months now, just the veiled dig here and there but I'm wanting/hoping for her to do domething big so I can go NC with her too. She is creepy with her dgc as well.

Both of these women have personality disorders. Nothing can change that.

What did she say to your dh? (Sorry skimmed thread)

Oh I got a horrible letter too of my mother. She was going to take me to court for access to my dd1

go away somewhere for xmas