I am a doormat

[thoughtsbecomethings]

Recently found out my Dh had exchanged naked pics of himself with a women he worked with and various text messages. He says nothing more had happened.
At the time i was so disappointed and angry. But now it just feels like everything is back to normal. I feel like he has got away with it as I haven't confronted Ow.
Am I a door mat ?

Unfortunately the damage from deceit rumbles on long after the event. You are finding this out to your cost. You aren't a doormat as such, lots of folk decide to forgive and move on. Don't be hard on yourself be hard on him. It's possible your anger is surfacing just now, if you need to bring it up with him again then do. That's just the consequence of his cheating.

Presumably he got to know this woman for a while first?

Unless he apologises and explains the reason for it, I don't see how you can move forward. Or would want to.

He keeps saying it was moment of madness and appears just to want to forget it but I can't. When I am cooking tea etc I feel like a weak women and thought I would not have stood for this. But feel trapped. I have all these thought and comments going around into head which is not healthy for me.

You would not be a "doormat" for not confronting OW, but I would consider it doormat behaviour to push your own feelings of betrayal and anger down for the sake of staying in a relationship with a man you cannot trust

And it doesn't sound to me like he has done anything subsequently to repair the damage he has done

He hasn't done anything to try and repair the damage he's done. I really don't think he cares about my feelings. He has turned into a self centered bastard recently and think the world revolves around him. I truly don't think I like or love him anymore and this is the last straw. I feel so alone

You don't sound like a doormat then. A "doormat" would be lapping up the shitty behaviour and making excuses for him. You sound very unhappy and I am sorry.

Have you confided in anyone in RL ? Family, friends ? You need some support, love and not from the person who has shit on you from a great height.

I am deeply unhappy my Dm knows and a close friend. I am a child of parents who fought and were very destructive to each other and me and my Db. I feel history is repeating itself. My Dh has a lot of similarities that my father had

In your position, I would leave. Have you considered this ?

Yes I have considered this but have no where to go, no money, debts and 2 kids. I feel my life is the worst it's been.

I am sorry you feel trapped. You need legal advice. There will be a way to get out of this, no one has to stay in an unhappy marriage in this day and age. See a family solicitor who offers the first half hour free. Houses, debts and money worries can be divided. Child care can be shared. You can divorce him, you do not have to stay with him.

I would consider this a form of cheating. You don't go from zero to naked pictures in a moment, this took time and probably didn't end at that. Sorry op.

Doormat is not confronting your husband, not the OW. Of course he wants to just forget it, why wouldn't he? He clearly feels no remorse about it and if it ties in with him having 'become' a self-centred bastard recently, he probably got an ego boost out of it too.

Trying to suppress your feelings is just going to lead to them festering and you resenting him more and more. You want to avoid open warfare because that's what you had with your parents, but cold war tactics are just as poisonous in the long term. Your DM not really best placed to advise you as she obviously put up with it for years? Put it this way: he's turned into your dad, how do you avoid turning into your mum? I don't think put up and shut up is going to work.

Tribpot what you said about him turning into my dad and me becoming my mum has really hit home she remained with my father for years and put up with various abuse I feel so scared for my future but don't want to be with this man I know I will have to go through hardship and lots of emotions to get to a happier place but I don't know if I'm strong enough at the moment, I am long term sick from work and feel very depressed already .

Do you think your depression might be eased if you take some action ?

For me personally, my lowest moments have been when I feel powerless to effect a positive change. This man is contributing to your mental health difficulties, OP, that much seems obvious. Doing something about that is not likely to make them worse.

See your GP about how you are feeling and tell him/her the truth. Get yourself referred for some individual counselling. You need some support.

OP, if you think history is repeating itself wrt your own parents relationship, then imagine your own children repeating this disastrous cycle.

It is unlikely your H will change for the better, so it is down to you I am afraid.

I am already on 2 lots of anti depressants but seeing a counsellor may help. I am usually quite a strong determined person. I have often wondered how I would react to something like this and this is not how I thought if would be.

Anyfucker you are so right in the things you say. Thanku x

You seem lost ATM, OP. But you could find your strength again with some help.

I am well and truly lost at the moment with everything I am trying so hard to put a brave face on but I'm crumbling inside. I want all this to stop and sometimes think I should just end it but couldn't do that to my gorgeous children.

You can make it stop by seeking legal advice and medical advice. Lean on family/friends and stop trying to hold together a broken relationship all by yourself.

Your kids need you to be whole and present.

Who is the "brave face" for, btw ? Are you keeping your husband's dirty little secrets ? Stop that immediately/

The brave face is for others I am happy to tell anyone and everyone what the bastard has done but I think I give the impression to people I m strong and coping but in reality I am not.

I want to show the kids that no one should treat you like this and not respect others I want to show them I a strong independent woman. I think legal advice is probably my first step

Please tell your family/friends that you are struggling. How can they help you if they don't know you need it ?

Thank you I will x x I have tears in my eyes with relief of talking about it and your hard hitting true words. Thanking for taking the time to chat with me it means so much.