How do you know a person is having a real breakdown?

[GoMe]

Can anyone talk to me about nervous breakdown please?
My husband said yesterday he is about to have one, but if it is for real, would he know it?
He was really distressed, desperate, crying and talking to himself, however I believe his is an alcoholic on a early stage (still functioning/working) so I am not sure if it was a breakdown or just drunkness.

Yes I know Al-Anon and I go to other specific forum to discuss my H's drinking.

If your DH thinks he is having a breakdown the right person to talk to is a doctor. You're not qualified to judge and neither is anyone here. So he/you should make an appointment with the local surgery or call the 111 number or even 999 if he is very distressed. Straight away.

Thanks Cogito.

It was last night and I was wondering if I should call a number for help but he was also drunk and to be fair he drinks everyday so I suspect his body hasn't got time to sober up and the alcohol is accumulating. I wasn't sure if it was a real breakdown or drunkness rubbish and as he asked me to leave him alone and not help him I just did so until he finally managed to go to sleep.

Not long ago he mentioned he was considering suicide on a train platform but he refuses to get help when I mention it, so really not sure what to do. I don't take it very seriously for some reason, perhaps because of all the drinking.

I would take him on face value, call 111 and tell them the full story. You've also got to look at his motivation for telling you about suicide ideas and breakdowns. What's the reaction he's trying to provoke in you if he tells you this stuff and then says he doesn't want help? Fear? Anxiety? Guilt? Is it attention-seeking behaviour? A threat?

Technically speaking, there is no such thing as a breakdown. It's not a term that is still used within the medical profession. However, that's not to say that your DH isn't experiencing a genuine crisis in his mental health. He certainly needs to see his GP asap about his depression and anxiety.

He told me about suicides thoughts totally after the blue on day on an attempt to open up emotionally whilst sober (he likes to talk about feelings when drunk but I refuse to engage so we are not talking much about feelings in a productive way). I suggest he seeks help but he says he is strong and can deal with it. He sees MH issues and weakness and failure. I know how ignorant it is but pushing him to get help just causes arguments and as he drinks a lot, I am keeping to myself and looking after my own well being. I learnt from Al_Anon that we can not control/help an alcoholic, they have to do it themselves. Alcohol is vey much part of who he is atm so, crisis or not crisis he has to seek help. I know that even if I book an appointment for him, he won't go. And even if he was to go he would lie to the doctor. It happened before.

Visit the doctor yourself, GoMe, and tell them what he's told you. They will be able to advise you. Don't try to handle it all on your own.

But what the doctor can do if I go and talk about H issues?

You are a partner - you are not a trained counsellor, an emotional dumping ground or his mother.

He is recognising he is ill, he must get proper assessment and treatment.

The limit to your involvement is to perhaps offering a lift to the GP.

If you are reaching the end if the rope, then it gets very hard - how long are you prepared to live like this - three months? What would need to change? Finances? Behaviours?

Spend this time working out what you need to happen by when, and consequences.

When it came to a point I said I wanted financial separation if spending of family money was going to continue. It wasn't a threat.

It may be better for you to move out, depending entirely on your circumstances - but don't try convincing yourself that you have no options but to work through this together, you are not out on this earth for the purpose of being his lifejacket.

He's obviously very damaged, whether self-imposed or otherwise. If he won't seek help, doesn't think there is a problem and sees MH problems as a weakness, then there is no chance of improvement and every chance that it will get worse. It's good that you've learned from Al Anon that you cannot control or help an alcoholic. However, you don't have to tolerate them bringing your life down with out of the blue chats about suicide etc either. What's keeping you with him at the moment?

I am working towards separation. It is not gonna happen overnight. I am slowly reducing my self employment business which requires me staying put and will start a new part time job in September with a view of becoming full time. I am trying to save up for a deposit on another flat as he will not leave our current rented flat and he pays most of bills with his full time employment earning. I need to work out what benefits I would be entitled and how to get them. I am definitely not moving out of the area due to my daughter's school and my jobs whose are very local.
BTW my daughter is at PILs and didn't witness the crisis, thank God.

You might have to speed up that process or revise your expectations for the sake of your own mental wellbeing, even if it means some short-term hardship. Is your DD already at the school or are you yet to apply and need to be in a certain catchment area?

Tell the GP you're worried, that he has alcohol problems, and that he has spoken of suicide, including methods. Tell them you don't know how to get help. If he collapsed on the floor or had an emergency you'd have to ring on his behalf, so don't feel you can't - at least - ask for advice before this happens. You may get none, but there's nothing to lose in asking.

A "real" breakdown is, I suppose someone reaching their own point where they can't cope with life as it is and I am not sure a doctor can diagnose a "breakdown" as medically the term doesn't exist.

If a person is suicidal, crying, desperate then it sounds like that person needs help. Help comes in a lot of forms but I think if someone has reached this point then it should start with a visit to a GP.

Some are more helpful than others, but being honest is important.

The problem being that people in this state are more often than not bewildered, frightened, confused about what is happening to them and frequently suferring from clinical depression and perhaps also anxiety and the combination of this means it's hard to find the impetus and strength to seek help when you most need it.

If he is suicidal, crying, desperate then you don't need a doctor to tell you this is real. It is real. This is someone not coping and needing help. There's no need to label it beyond that.

However, what people who have experienced what we call a "breakdown" describe is often a complete unravelling, or a snap, where they simply can't continue. It often takes at least a year to recover and many people describe much longer. It's a severe crisis of self as I understand it.

If you think he's creating the situation rather than genuinely ill, that would change my advice.

And that is why I didn't call for help, I am very dubious of his 'break down' crisis and focus on his drinking as the cause of his instability.
But yesterday his crying was for real and totally out of the blue. I came home few minutes after him as we both had a very late shift and he was already sobbing for no apparent reason.

My daughter is 7 and really settled at school and in our community.
I am a CM and this is why I can't move asap. (please don't think my husband drinking affects my job, it doesn't). I reduced all my clients to only one who will be collected at my daughter's school and will be with me term time/part time. I am considering being his nanny instead of CM but the parents would rather have a CM arrangement. But we are talking.
My new job is also at my daughter's school and it's very difficult to find another opportunity like this. I need to stay in the area.
My family is in another country and all my friends are here.

You say that he won't leave the home which suggests that you have already asked him and been refused. If you're married have you spoken to a solicitor? CAB? Have you looked into benefits available and alternative accommodation? It's always difficult to divorce when you're dealing with a hostile/uncooperative partner. The temptation is to want everything else to stay the same.... school, job, location.... just to keep the stress manageable, and that can impose a lot of restrictions. Sometimes, there are solutions you haven't thought of.

People who go on to attempt suicide will have told people about their intention first.

I would go and visit your GP and tell them your concerns if he will not attend himself.

He knows I am not happy with the marriage and would rather be single instead of putting up with life the way it is.
He wants to remain married and work on the relationship, but his disease is getting in the way.

I have been working and studying a lot for years now, to build up a career for myself, I always knew CMinding was temporary until I got into a school. Now that I finally managed and it's at the same school my daughter goes too, I can't just blow it. Also as it's part time to start with I still need income from other sources such as my clients and the local waitressing I do.