not sure if I'm being unreasonable

[despicableshe]

Been married for almost 12 years, have 2 young DC. DH has a condition which causes him immense, chronic pain. I understand that though he looks ok, he's not. I've read up on it, and really seek to be understanding and empathetic. What I find difficult is that if I or the DC accidentally injure him, ie when he's rough-housing with the kids or if say, my handbag swings against him when we're walking, he gets angry (understandably) but holds grudges about it for ages. I tell him to give the kids a break as they're too young to fully understand, but he yells at them and frightens them sometimes.

A little bit of background, he says whatever he wants to me, but if I try to assert myself or disagree, it almost always escalates into a row. I'm not perfect at all by any means, but I am getting tired of being the one who tries to be "reasonable". He isn't affectionate with me as much as he once was and pretty much only tries when he wants sex. When I want to talk to him, watching the TV or a film (EVERY evening) is more important and he will either give sarcastic answers or just ignore me. If I have a little moan about any aches I may experience, he's quick to say that it's nothing compared to what he goes through. Though that is very true, I feel as though I should share less and less of what I think of feel with him.

As I said, I'm not perfect at all. Sometimes I forget to do things and that pisses him off immensely but sometimes I feel the extent his moodiness towards me is unwarranted. Not saying that he should never be ticked off with me, but rather causing an unpleasant atmosphere and basically sulking is hard to deal with.

I just generally feel unhappy in this marriage. I know he's not happy with his health and life in general, but must he take it out on me and on occasion, the DC? I've asked him about counselling in the past, he's not interested. Nowadays, I'm not sure if I want to be with him anymore but tbh I worry about the effect a divorce would have on the children, and that it wouldn't be an amicable separation by any means.

There's probably more I should post about the state of my marriage, but my mind isn't very clear at the moment.

I know I'm rambling so thanks for sticking with the post if you've got this far :)

Sounds like you are being very tolerant.

Hey no you're not being unreasonable. He sounds like a moody arsehole and he takes it out on you.

I think the effect of a divorce on the children will be less than the effect a marriage in which they see their mother downtrodden, unhappy and reduced to chattel will have.

They only have this model to base their future relationships on - would you want this for them?

You may well be worried about the effects a divorce would have on the children - but the effects of them seeing you both staying together under such circumstances in the long term would be far more damaging to your children. Do you want them growing up thinking that this is their "norm", this is actually how two adults behave within a relationship?. No man is above the law re separation either and he making things difficult for you if you were to follow such a course is him trying to hang onto to the last vestiges of power and control he has over you. Its a script that many such men follow.

He holding grudges about a simple accident like your handbag knocking against him when you are walking along is not normal behaviour. And why is he rough housing the children at all?.

Your role here seems to be simply to appease this man. You have no voice, he is not interested in hearing what you have to say and you have as a result further withdrawn emotionally from him. Its open season when it comes to you and any perceived criticisms he has of you isn't it; he can say what he likes and you have no right of reply. I reckon as well he is very good at making it all out to be your "fault" as well when he starts to row with you.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here from the two of you?. Would you want them as adults to have a relationship like yours currently is?. To them you are showing them that currently at least, this is acceptable to you on some level. Your H may well be chronically ill but its no excuse or justification at all for the awful ways in which he is treating you and your children. He sounds like he is happy the way things are and is not interested in making his life, or for that matter yours, any better. He is happy in his pit and is basically also happy to drag you down with him into it.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You do not have to stay with him because he is ill or out of any sense of duty.

OK, I too have a condition that means I am constantly in pain, big, dull pain that flares into nasty pin point sharp pain. And I too can be really pissy if looked at sideways by a feather.

But DH can say 'Ooops, sorry' and that's it, all over. I can get really ratty, but I tell DH and he knows that I am feeling more sensitive, or just generally pissy, and he can say 'don't take it out on me, do you want a cup of tea?' and that is it, all over. OK, I do have a rant every now and then, but he knows it is the feeling of helplessness and is patient until it passes.

Your DH is not BU to be hurt by accidental touches and is DNU to vocalise his pain, somehow it helps, but he is VVU, knowing his own condition, to take it out on you or the kids or anyone else, for that matter. That is just selfish and self destructive.

He is using you as whipping posts, and, as far as I am concerned, that is not fair. He needs to focus his anger into a better coping mechanism - I use a 6ft kickboxing bag, he could use anything he damn well likes, just not his family!

Thank you all for your responses, you've given me food for thought as well as the chance to vent.

For the sake of balance, I feel I should also say that things aren't bad 100% or even 90% of the time. DH can be supportive of things that I do at times, and there are times when we enjoy each other's company, but things are deteriorating. I can't face the thought of things not getting better and having 10, 15, 20+ years of this.

I think I need to be more assertive, yet retain more emotional control when responding. The illness is a big factor but as I shown, not the only one; I don't want to go into too much detail in case I "out myself" online.

I think I'll seek counselling for myself, to help me think things through more clearly; something has to change. Thanks again :)