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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Genuine or not?

65 replies

scottybeammeup · 09/08/2014 18:57

I would like some perspective on this please. I separated from my h almost 2 years ago and recently decided to give online dating a go. I met a couple of guys I didn’t really click with but were good for my confidence and then I met someone who I liked, had the chemistry with etc. Things were going really well but I am concerned as it seems like he is pushing and moving too fast. He told me he loved me within about a week.... he texts me really intense message about how I am his life now.... everything he does he does for me.... he pushed to meet my children and against my better judgement I introduced them, all be it as a friend although my dd who is 7 seems to understand that he is my bf although I don’t think she quite gets what that means!

I keep trying to get him to slow down but he is already talking about when we live together – he constantly refers to us being a family together. I have an ok relationship with my ex – we are courteous and civil to one another for the sake of the children and can even be quite friendly but my bf is always saying what a shit Dad he is etc. He isn’t great, and I get to slag him off but feel annoyed when its done by someone who doesn’t even know him!
The latest is that he keeps referring to my youngest by his nickname/pet name that I have for him. Its really irritating me as its personal and only I call him it. Am I being petty?
We are both in our mid/late 40’s so not kids. We both own our own properties although I have considerably more equity than he does and his conversations always involve him selling his home and moving into mine which I am just not comfortable with. On paper he seems perfect – he has a good job, has his own children every other weekend, and seems on good terms with his family and both ex-wives.
What do you think? Is he too good to be true and fallen for me madly, or should I run? I am getting increasingly bad vibes but not sure if I am just being paranoid and would appreciate some advise.

OP posts:

Chiana · 11/08/2014 02:30

I agree with SGB, don't involve your ex.

Good for you listening to your instincts, OP.

ChanelNo19LoveIt · 11/08/2014 06:26

ok! I accept one would have to have an exceptionally amicable relationship with one's x for that not to be thrown back in one's face.

Brother?

Original poster

scottybeammeup · 11/08/2014 08:28

Don't worry I have no intentions of involving my exh! We are on ok terms but there is not a chance in hell I'd give him ammunition or the slightest hint that there is anything is amiss.

I've reduced contact dramatically in that I haven't messaged him at all since Saturday. He has sent me a few but even his have waned so maybe he is getting the hint. I am away for another 4 weeks so by the time I return he should know whats coming and if he doesn't I will be strong and explain exactly why he has made me so uncomfortable. I know he will find it hard to take because he kept telling me how lucky I was that I'd found someone willing "to take me on" with my two young children. Yeah right!!!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 11/08/2014 08:42

Why not message him a Dear John then it is sorted ?. I wouldn't want this hanging over me for another 4 weeks. I see no point in prolonging this and it's actually fairer on him (even though he sounds like a nob) to put him in the picture and let him move on.

tigermoll · 11/08/2014 08:49

I think you're doing totally the right thing, but I do wonder if you ought to finish with him now via email. The fact that you are away for the next few weeks might work massively in your favour. As previous posters have said, he is unlikely to 'go quietly' but at least if you two aren't face to face, his response of hurt, followed by outrage, followed by begging, followed by personal abuse (and I bet that's how it will go) will have to be conducted via email and you can just ignore it.

(Also, I always think it's better to dump someone quickly and cleanly, rather than 'letting them get the message' through fading away.)

Meerka · 11/08/2014 08:50

I know he will find it hard to take because he kept telling me how lucky I was that I'd found someone willing "to take me on" with my two young children.

ha, more like he won the jackpot in finding you ... and now he's lost it.

what a twat.

pictish · 11/08/2014 08:51

he kept telling me how lucky I was that I'd found someone willing "to take me on" with my two young children

Meerka · 11/08/2014 08:52

more seriously, this guy sounds as if he could become scary.

A clean honest conversation is best but in this case she may be better off letting it fade away because she'll probably get less hassle from disbelieving outraged ego that someone could dump him.

IrenetheQuaint · 11/08/2014 08:54

Whenever you dump him he will probably be a total nightmare, so if you're currently staying near/with friends or family who can support you it might be better to do it there rather than when you're back home alone.

Chiana · 11/08/2014 08:55

Bear in mind he knows where OP is staying, and has already turned up there uninvited once. He might come back again to confront her about ditching him.

AnyFucker · 11/08/2014 08:58

if he is going to kick off he will do it anyway, but I expect someone like this will not take kindly to being strung along (as wouldn't anyone actually)

if it is over, make it over and don't game play

pictish · 11/08/2014 09:12

Hmm...I think you're hoping he'll just take the hint and go away of his own accord, and it'll all be far less unpleasant that way.

Given that he vocalises how you ought to be grateful that he bothers with you, what with being saddled with those kids and all...he is unlikely to just fade graciously away. He will be outraged that you don't want him, with all his love to give.

I agree that to make clear your feelings now, while there is geographical distance between you, would be the wiser move.

SolidGoldBrass · 11/08/2014 10:18

I also agree that you should send him a text or an email today along the lines of 'Dear X, I have been thinking things over and decided this relationship is not working for me, therefore I am ending it. Best wishes for your future. There is no need for any further contact between us.'

You may read that and start worrying that it';s 'unkind' and think that he has a right to closure. Lose those thoughts. This man is an abusive misogynist and therefore it's no good expecting him to behave like a reasonable person - you are dumping him because he's a cock^ and you don't need to softpedal it.

Whatever he says and does, everyone has the right to end a relationship and dump a partner, at any time, for any reason. Ending a relationship where you share a house and have DC in common is more complicated, sure, but it's still OK to do it if you want to. In the case of this loser, you don't have any ties to him, you can just bin him, dust your hands off and enjoy the rest of your life. And if he is in any way tiresome, you can involve the police who will force him to leave you alone.

Stupidhead · 11/08/2014 11:04

Be prepared for some name calling, insults and generally being made to feel a bitch. Can a friend come over if he's left stuff at your house at all? Otherwise parcel it all up and post it to his.

oldgrandmama · 11/08/2014 12:07

I agree - best tell him now. You're away, it'll give him four weeks to get used to the idea. OK, he might turn up ... but I assume you've got people around you for support. Better than waiting until you're back home then confronting him with the bad news. He sounds awful, a real control freak-to-be.

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