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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He was my bf, now in a weird place..I need talking to.

18 replies

greensandblues · 09/08/2014 13:58

Met a guy online, went out for a month, all going well, he was keen, I was keen, then he ended it, saying he wasn't 'feeling it'. I was upset, he ticked a lot of my boxes.

After a week I messaged him, saying fancy a drink as friends. He immediately replied, yes, he was glad I'd made the first move, he'd been thinking about me all week, but he didn't want to get back together.

To cut a long story short we've seen each other 4 times in the last week, a sort of heart to heart, a walk, a meal, pub, music, he's been to mine, all cosy..cat on his lap, chatting about kids, etc. And of course we've slept together again.

He is very complimentary, affectionate responsive, but he is still on dating site a lot, as am I, but I don't want to be, iyswim.

I know he really likes me, but he is looking for thuderbolt love, which he doesn't feel with me. Imo this is slightly unrealistic, and I'd love to get back with him.

He's giving me lots of mixed messages, he knows how I feel. My best male friend says don't be available, either he's with you or he's not, I know I need to do this, it's so hard, I really like him, I don't want to not see him. It's awful seeing him online looking for other women and putting better photos up all the time!

Talk some sense into me please. I need to get him out of my system as I think his mind is made up.

It would help if there was anyone online I could move on with, but there just isn't atm.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 09/08/2014 14:01

I know he really likes me

If he really liked you he would be with you.

but he is looking for thuderbolt love

He isn't, he is looking for casual sex.

Vivacia · 09/08/2014 14:02

Also, it's not our job to talk sense in to you. You know the situation. At the moment you just prefer to be in a shitty situation with someone than a good situation with no one.

Onesleeptillwembley · 09/08/2014 14:06

You're a convenient shag. Hell even play along while he's nothing better. But soon it'll dwindle to a booty call. If you value yourself at that level - fine. If not, stop it. And don't call in a week 'as friends'. He's not your friend.

flappityfanjos · 09/08/2014 14:14

I know he really likes me, but he is looking for thuderbolt love, which he doesn't feel with me. Imo this is slightly unrealistic, and I'd love to get back with him.

Sorry, but you've got to let go of this sort of thing. You can't go delving into his reasons for not wanting a relationship with you, picking them apart to see if they're good enough. You're just looking for something to support your hope that it might not really be over. We've all been there, I'm sure - I know I have - but it doesn't change anything, it just spins out the hurt of breaking up.

He likes you enough to hang out as friends and have the odd shag. He doesn't want a relationship with you. It doesn't matter why, he's told you exactly where he stands. You need to believe him, I'm afraid.

After only being together for a month, it shouldn't take too long to get past this - don't make it harder on yourself by continuing to see him. This is new-bloke giddiness, it will stop if you don't fuel it.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 09/08/2014 14:14

The "weird place" is the one you've put yourself in. If you were truly seeing each other "as friends" you wouldn't be having sex, so you're lying to yourselves and to each other. That's not a healthy place to be. If you're happy being his casual shag who he sees when he's got no-one better on the horizon, just carry on. Now that you are in the casual shag category you won't be moving into any other one, that's for sure.

middleeasternpromise · 09/08/2014 14:15

You've got yourself a fuck buddy but alas you aren't playing by the rules. TBF he's not doing anything wrong, he spelt it out and you offered a new contract with flexible working conditions but secretly you are hoping to recruit him back to an 'exclusive' deal. You know the risks and you have to make a decision as to whether you want to take them. Some people like a challenge and think they can manage the high stakes - you should be aware of the potential pitfalls ie becoming an unhinged bunny boiling stalker. You're friends will not thank you when you are drunkenly regaling them with your latest antics whilst looking increasing wide eyed and mad. Neither will MN be any source of comfort if you are a frequent thread starter claiming 'but I love him and if only .....'. Unless you have the steely determination of a trophy wife who believes anyone who gets them is damned lucky and always keeps a plan B up their sleeve then frankly you aren't cut out for this game. Save yourself the heartache or save this thread so you can read it when you are sobbing on the sofa hitting the repeat button your Bridget Jones DVD box set. Good luck x

LadyLemongrab · 09/08/2014 14:27

He's basically told you that you're not good enough. You're alright, he'll sleep with you until something better comes along, he'll even spend a bit of time with you here and there.

But ultimately you don't really do it for him, he isn't overcome with feelings for you, he hasn't got that rush of passion that happens when we meet someone we really want.

So why would you continue to be a stop-gap? His intentions are clear, but yours are less so. Do you think he's suddenly going to realise you're his perfect woman after all? He won't, he really won't.

Imagine carryign on as you are, maybe for a couple more months and then he stops returning your calls or coming to see you. You push for an explanation. And he eventually tells you he's met someone he really does like. He's head over heels and please can you stop bothering him, thanks.

That's what will happen and you'll feel infinitely more shite than if you took control now and ended it. No friends nonsense, clean break, move on with your head held high.

BeforeAndAfter · 09/08/2014 14:35

He's got you ring-fenced in the FuckBuddy zone which suits him just fine. He has your company when he wants it on his terms. If a man wants to be with you as your partner he would not behave like this. Beware becoming his fallback girl - always there, even after months at a time - when his other dates/relationships don't work out.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 09/08/2014 14:39

You aren't going to get what you want from him. You will get hurt.

Guiltypleasures001 · 09/08/2014 15:09

He has been honest with you op, it's about time lovely that you are honest with yourself, he's using you as a shag a nice comfortable one with a cat in tow.

heyday · 09/08/2014 15:14

It's time to take responsibility for your own life and destiny.
You totally know the score. Either accept it for what it is, you get some company, have a nice time and a shag or get some strength and get the hell out. No doubt in time you could get used to this arrangement or choose to get out now, cut all ties and get on with your life.
Only you can make this choice.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/08/2014 15:46

He knows how much you want there to be something more between you so if it's offered on a plate he is unlikely to refuse. He wasn't "feeling it" well he's feeling something now and not complaining.

Your male pal is spot on, stop being available. This person does not tick enough boxes he is using you and will continue until the first sniff of a "thunderbolt" encounter with a new female when he will drop you and not look back. Time spent on him you could be lining up dates with more committed partners.

Hatpin · 09/08/2014 18:33

OP the same thing happened to me two weeks ago. We'd been seeing each other 6 weeks, I thought it was going well. He wasn't "feeling" it either.

I've been messed around in the past so this time, I sent the polite text, deleted him from my FB, and 're-registered with 3 dating sites.

I now have two quite promising potential dates lined up for September when I get back from my holiday

I think if you really like someone then 4 or 6 weeks in you are making an effort to develop the relationship - spending more time together, starting to do little things for each other, etc etc, and with that comes "the feeling". It doesn't just drop out of the sky

I've no doubt if I'd said lets meet as friends he would have agreed, and I would have ended up where you are...I live far enough away from him that I could be filed neatly away in the "FWB in X town, when I fancy it" box.....

It's not good enough though is it.

Block and delete him and try some other sites

SolidGoldBrass · 09/08/2014 20:35

You are the one who is being dishonest and unfair here. He was upfront with you about not wanting a steady relationship with you - you said that was fine, let's be friends, etc - but soon you are going be whining at him and weeping all over him and behaving like a Klingon and blubbering all over the place about what a bastard he is. He doesn't love you - and he is under no obligation to love you, either. If you are desperate for commitment, go and look for it elsewhere.

Original poster

greensandblues · 09/08/2014 22:16

Thanks to everyone who has posted. Harsh but true words. I needed to hear it and knew I would on here. I will get a grip and do the right thing. Stop being so pathetic, get a grip on my life and end it. Thanks again.

OP posts:

Guiltypleasures001 · 09/08/2014 22:24

Your not pathetic op, you were just hoping for a happy ending, there's nothing wrong with hope, as long as there's life there's hope

Onesleeptillwembley · 09/08/2014 22:32

Not pathetic, just mixed up. If you we're pathetic you'd be under him now, and thanking him. Wouldn't have helped if we hadn't been harsh.

thatsn0tmyname · 09/08/2014 22:36

This won't have a happy ending, don't let it drag out. Throw yourself back into dating or the gym or a hobby or friends but not at him.

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