3 years on and I'm still not ready to live together?? Help please

[Notexactlymarthastewart]

In new relationship after emotionally abusive, controlling marriage ended.

DP very thoughtful, generous, kind, considerate, supportive, loving - I would be extremely lucky to find anyone that treated me nearly as well if it ended (and I do not want it to end). We have been in a LDR for almost 3 years. I love him to bits.

DP excellent with my DCs, but he struggles with aspects of the freedom/modern parenting - he has no real experience with kids, he has never lived with a partner, and we are both mid 40s. He is forever comparing their lifestyle (?? Not the right word??) to what he (and I) had at their age (under 12) and is genuinely baffled by some of the decision making processes they are involved in (i.e. they are asked what they want to do / eat / where to go etc). He has "pitched his position" as "uncle" rather than a daddy replacement, which is ideal as ex has regular contact, but he does step in to help parent when we are together at the weekends I have DCs, e.g. if they are misbehaving or not respecting me. DCs love him and are always asking when they will next see him (I have some weekends with just them).

I am extremely twitchy about getting "trapped" again IYSWIM, and worry about aspects of our lifestyle compatibility:
I hate public transport / he hates being in a car (can't drive)
We struggle at mealtimes choosing what to have and often seem to end up with different meals (unless we are having proper meat & 2 veg type meal)
He likes to get up,showered and dressed before having breakfast - DCs and I love a pj day, and I prefer to eat first, do some housework then shower
I could quite happily spend some weekends parked on my couch, he needs to get out for a walk/cycle at the very least.

We almost had the option to move in together (at some future date) last year as I was going to move about 15 miles away, which is closer to him, but a few things happened within the space of a week and I ended up staying put (related to my job and my family moving back to the local area). He was understandably upset, but understood my reasons. I am not yet divorced, and both of us talked about not wanting to live together until that was officially and legally finalised.

I know I am very lucky to have found someone like him, and so soon after the marriage ended (6 months), but I am still terrified by the thought of living with another man full time, even though it would be lovely to see him more often! I miss him terribly, and he misses me and we speak most nights via Skype.

Is it possible to maintain a LDR permanently??? Would that be weird??

Do I need counselling, or is it perfectly normal to feel this way??
What can I do please?

Will this feeling pass?

I know this is minor compared to other posts, but any helpful advice greatly appreciated. Sorry for the long post.

I'm another one not understanding why you feel the need to move in together.

Many really wealthy people (ie, people with more choices than normal people) don't really live together as couples. Also, it's not at all unusual for older people, who have their own houses, to live separate lives, even within a LTR. DH has an uncle who is a widower. He is now in his 70s and has been in a LTR with a lovely woman for over 10 years. They each live in their own property, but go on holiday together, a lot.

There are definite advantages to living as a couple, where both partners are parents to the children, but I can see lots of advantages to living more separate lives, as well.

DH and I didn't move in together until we got married, after being together for 7 years.

We decided to move in because we both wanted to relocate and buy a place. It happened to be the practical thing to do at the time, not necessarily a natural progression of the relationship. I was happy to live apart (though it wasn't long distance) until then.

I think that for many couples, moving in together is less about commitment and more about sharing finances and convenience. If it doesn't make your lives financially better or more convenient then there's no need to see it as the ultimate goal.

I think the niggles about compatibility are the type of things most couples have, especially if they get together when they're older and more established in their own routines. DH and I have some of these - mostly they just bemuse me. If the rest of the relationship is going well, it's just niggles that can be ironed out. If the relationship is poor, then it becomes symptomatic of those problems.

Personally I'm not that keen on LDRs though, especially if you have dc and getting together becomes more of a mission even if you're nearby. But I'm quite lazy and it would have to be a really good relationship for me to be worth travelling 80 miles. I'm not actually sure if I would have continued seeing DH three years into our relationship, if he had to move 80 miles away !

Sorry, been out, will read through properly when DCs in bed later
Thanks for taking the time to comment x

broadway, wise words!

Why the need to move in together? You sound happy with this set up.

My friend's mum had a LTR with the man next door starting when F was 13. He was an uncle figure too but quite hands off - he was a bit older and not too up with the ways of teenage girls. They didn't move in together till after her dds moved out. Lived happily together ever since - now over 30 years on.

I honestly think you'll know when the time is right.

I was very similar to you. I met my OH almost three years ago. He has no children , I have two. I couldn't see us ever living together and really thought that we'd just maintain two households.

He was great with the kids and we got closer over time

We bought a house together two months ago and we get married in three weeks time.

Just don't force anything , don't overthink it and see how it goes. Maybe gradually try and increase the time you all spend together - holidays away/ weekends together etc and just take your time.

New here..my db has had few long term relationships but never lived with anyone..then at age 40 he met a girl..single mom with DD 18...all went great..all family liked her..dd happy..then 18 months in they moved into his house..all lovely for while ..did in university.. Coming there at weekends.. Then suddenly they broke up ..we were shocked and sad..said later he couldn't adjust..would come home late from busy work..only wanting sky sports..gf want to head out to eat or a walk..he was so set in his ways...found dds stuff all over the place annoying etc...he is not weird just so long on his own..often think they would still be together if kept homes...also l think we all have different ideas on kids and not easy for anyone to adjust...be relaxed and happy with how it is...keeps the mystery and fun

Wow. What a great bunch of responses. Thanks everyone.

The different morning routines work really well together: I often get up with the DCs, bring him a coffee in bed, potter about downstairs tidying while he showers then he comes down and I head up for a shower. When I come out of the shower, he's got breakfast underway and organising the kids to set the table etc . We work well as a wee team, and he's happy to pitch in (unasked!!) to clear up after/ wash up! (Yes ladies, some do exist!!! It is a miracle...)

I don't know anyone else who is in an LDR, or a LTR who don't also live together, so it's great to hear there are some out there that work well.

I think that everyone just expects couples to move in together, and I'd like to hope that will be in my future at some point, but not now. It's nice to know people can make it work not sharing the same house.

He is worth the 80 miles. I don't think anyone has treated me as well as he does. He does the vast majority of the commuting now, sometimes only for one night just so we can get some time together.

Thanks for the supportive messages re my twitchyness. I hope I can compromise a bit and stop expecting to be let down soon.