What to do when you attract needy and EA men?

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

Hi. I recently had a thread about my woes dating someone and I'm still very down about this.
Anyway, last night I dropped my dc at their dad's. We were having a chat and I had asked a favour which he refused to do. I was upset because I have and still am forever supporting him as he suffers from depression and anxiety. We were together over 10 years and last year he left me, leaving only a note. It was a shock. I later found out there was another woman. MN helped me so much. I also recognised that I had been EA for a long time...name calling, withholding affection, not sleeping with me, questioning me about money, etc. saying I never did anything for him. It has taken me a year of counselling (still going) to overcome my low self esteem and lack of confidence. This has also helped me to be amicable with my ex for the children's sake. I'd even go as far to say we have become friends, having family days out, etc. Not living together has helped.
Last night for the first time in a while, we got into an argument and again he screams at me saying I was at fault for the breakdown of our relationship and I am talking rubbish about his EA as I did the same to him (I didn't). He said I was a bully. His definition of 'bully' is me asking him to do things to help when he so obviously doesn't want to e.g. Taking the kids somewhere, or doing a chore. He said that I never did anything for him latterly and he was doing his own washing, etc. I explained that I also worked and I had decided to withdraw when all he did day in day out was EA me. He at that point said I was talking crap and asked me to leave. He also said that I had cheated on him and slept around. I never in the whole time we were together even winked at another man. I have good values in that respect. He then added he'd be applying for custody of our children! I got very upset and then he calmed down and apologised. He said he didn't mean it and he was happy with our current arrangement.
What upsets me is he keeps saying things about me that are not true...about how I was the reason things broke down, it's my fault he's living in a house like his, etc. He also keeps saying he has no money because he pays me a fortune!! It's not for me, it's for his children. I'm always paying for days out, etc. I asked him to go as my plus one to an event recently and he said he'd go if I paid him! You can imagine my answer. My friend suggested he has been gas lighting me and still is. I had to Google it.
As well as being upset about the breakdown of my new r/ship, I am now getting this abuse. My eyes are so red from crying I don't know what to do and how to move on. I try to be a good person and wonder why men treat me like this. In my workplace I am a strong confident woman. In my relationships I'm an emotional wreck!

'he keeps saying things about me that are not true...'

This man simply doesn't like you. He's not a friend. He only likes having you around so that he can torment you. You say he suffers from depression and anxiety but you're the one with red eyes from crying. It's time to stop thinking you have to support him and cut him well and truly loose. Stop communicating about anything except the bare bones of access with the children and completely disengage. He can't upset you with his bullying and other bullshit if you don't talk to him.

Instead, be with people who actually like you and support you. I'm sure you are a good person but be a good person with people who actually appreciate it. You don't 'attract' needy EA men any more than anyone else but you have to learn to drop them like a shitty stick once you've cottoned on .... not stay around for more punishment.

Seriously why didn't you just walk out when you started arguing - what he thinks of you doesn't matter now - it's over.
You need cordial relations because of the children but you shouldn't be supporting him?!!! he left you for another woman. There's no point flogging a dead horse by dissecting a relationship that is over. Move on.

'Getting this abuse'? You should have walked out the door when it started - why stick around for it? seriously, if you allow people to treat you like crap they possibly will and have done in this case.
You need to construct some boundaries for yourself - what is acceptable behaviour - if verbal abuse or arguements start you remove yourself from the situation. You aren't friends if your EX makes you feel crap about yourself.
Stop picking at the scab of your ex relationship and move on to healthy choices. It sounds like you haven't accepted the relationship is over.

You are right. I need to withdraw support and concentrate on me. Initially I supported him because I wanted him to be 'emotionally stable daddy' around the kids. When he lived with us he would shut himself away when depressed and often ignore the kids. Other times he was fine. He refused to seek help or take meds. It is only through my support that he is now on meds.
Reading my post back is screaming at me that I'm enabling his behaviour. Like you said Cogito, I need to disengage. Thanks.

Just to add - asking him to go as your plus one to an event indicates you are still looking backwards. You should go on your own and be excited that you may just meet someone new there................

Wild Bill, thanks. My ex is no longer with the person he was seeing. It lasted a month (was a FB I found out). I have accepted the r/ship is over as I met someone else whom I fell for and who showed me that there are nice men out there. I suppose I worry about my ex mental health and his care of the children (see reply to cogito). I just feel so upset that I have supported him and I get treated like this. I need to move on I know.

Emotional abuse only 'works' because the victim keeps hoping that there is a form of words or course of action that will make the abuser turn into 'Mr Nice Guy'. This means the victims takes on responsibility for their abuser's mood and behaviour, rationalising it in various ways. In your case you've been trying to create an 'emotionally stable daddy'.... when the truth is that he is as emotionally stable as he chooses to be & it was never your responsibility in the first place. That's the trap you've fallen into but one which you can climb out of very easily now that you've seen what's going on.

Manage your life, your DCs, your friends in a way that works best for you and leave him to do the same for himself. He's quite capable.

The event I asked him to was a school event. I thought it might be good for the children for their parents to go together. I did end up going on my own.

Sounds like you are getting there - it doesn't matter whether he is seeing the OW or not, he removed himself from the relationship and all that means.
Keep cordial for the kids but he's a grown man and needs to sort his own problems out. Get excited about meeting someone else who makes you happy - as you know there are nice men out there.
The way he treats you is possibly part of his problems but it's not your issue, You still need boundaries when dealing with anyone who may treat you poorly whether it is from their depression or mental illness etc.

Cogito, exactly. I keep thinking he will be Mr Nice Guy as he has been very nice, sociable, etc around me. But times like last night I see his true self. He's not going to change is he?!
The guy I met recently was lovely but not in a place for a relationship due to bereavement. But he renewed my confidence and self esteem.

Wild ill, yes I do need to set boundaries. I'm so disappointed in myself for letting it get me so upset. In my workplace I have a responsible job and would never be as emotional. I really am weak and need to find strength.

At least you are recognising it all now, op. I came out of an EA marriage, to the father of my dc, a couple of years ago. It has only been in the last month or so that I realised I still let him EA me, and dc to an extent. Since I challenged it, he has crawled back under his rock. Take it easy on yourself.

Dippy thanks. It is hard isn't it. You know the signs are there but actually accepting it is hard.

I understand what your trying to do for your children , but seriously , cut the cord. Next time he becomes abusive just leave. Beyond brief talk about your dcs there's really no need to spend time.

You can't fix him. Stop trying!
it is sad for your dcs that he isn't the perfect dad but if he was that, you'd still be together, wouldn't you?!
You do not need to 'cover' for him - if he doesn't want to take meds, is rude in public, whatever, let him carry on. If you're not around, you won't even know! And if your dcs are disappointed or feel let down, I've found it much better to say to my ds 'yes, that was a shame that your df didn't act as he should have then and i understand why you feel sad' rather than try to construct an elaborate illusion that all is well.
He is not your friend. Walk away and spend your time with nice people instead!

Thank you. It's hard but I know I will have to walk away. Feel stronger today.

Good for you, LittleLady. Funny how it doesn't take too long for our twunt-radars to resume normal service after a blip ;)
I think of them as a hormone power surge: temporarily buggers up reception and emits distorted information before it recalibrates itself!

;0)