elderly parent and low/no contact -how to cope?

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I could really use some advice from anyone who has a low/no contact relationship with an elderly parent, particularly those who are only children (or don’t have much help or support from other family members).

Sadly I have a terrible relationship with my mother. My father died when I was a young teenager, I am an only child. While my mother she wasn’t physically abusive towards me, she was HIGHLY neglectful. Since becoming a parent myself and also having some therapy I have realised just how screwed up my childhood was on many levels…

Unfortunately my mother behaved in ways following the birth of my first child that were despicable, and it became clear for the sake of my own sanity, the safety and wellbeing of my kids, and the health of my marriage, that I had to establish incredibly strict boundaries with her. She doesn’t see my children or know anything much about my life on a personal level. I last saw her two years ago and my contact with her is limited to a phone call once a month or so which I try to keep neutral. Ultimately I would much rather have no contact with her at all but as I’m her only child and my father is dead it felt like a step too far to do this. Plus she has a history of making harassing phone calls (think calling my mobile 20 times in the space of half an hour)- but if she knows she will speak to me at some stage she is less likely to behave that way.

Anyway, she is now elderly and becoming frail. She is very socially isolated and her health isn’t great. A lot of this is her own fault - she has destroyed her mind with drugs and booze, and chose to let her friendships and interests die. She won’t attend doctors appointments and so on, lies about things etc. Believe me, I spent years trying to ‘help’ her with all her ‘issues', but eventually I had to put my own life first as she was beginning to destroy it.

I have had to take financial responsibility for her in the past and this involves renting her a flat. My aunt (her sister) has more contact with her and it’s becoming clear that my mother will need at some point soon to be moved to different accommodation. I’m looking into buying her a type of retirement flat. It’s going to be down to me alone to sort this out from start to finish - my mother is incapable of doing anything for herself - and the thought of dealing with this (and her) is making me feel unbelievably panicked and stressed.

I know I’ve just got to get on with it calmly, but to those who’ve been in anything like a similar position - how do you cope?

No, not really the same situation. My mother wasn't good but my dad was around so I didn't have the level of responsibility that you've shouldered.
Could she not go into a care home or sheltered accommodation, based on her own income/assets? I'm not trying to be cruel but I don't think you have to fund her. If you can get her 'into the system' there'll be people around to keep an eye on her.
Have you written to her gp and social services about your concerns, her needs, and your non-contact status?

Thanks Humblepie. Problem is that she was sectioned a decade ago and during that time I had to take responsibility of the majority of her assets.

When she was out of hospital I arranged for the house I'd grown up in to be sold (as it was becoming dilapidated and she could no longer cope with it) - we then rented a property for her as the whole situation was so unstable. So now I'm in control of the remainder of the funds from the sale of the original house, so it's now my responsibility to buy or rent somewhere else.

Much as I'd love to simply transfer the money back to her and say 'I'm no longer dealing with this' - it would be a silly thing to do. She'd probably end up losing the money or doing something irresponsible with it....

Argh the thought of dealing with her again (a lot of my worries stem from what an absolute nightmare it was moving her the first time) make me feel sick....

sectioned is brilliant! if you've been sectioned you don't pay care home fees.
how old is she? would a care home be appropriate?

You also need to see your gp to get it on record that trying to meet your mum's needs, even from a distance, is causing you distress and will be detrimental to your health.

To explain to you and anyone reading, I'm not just trying to offload your mum onto the state. Its not that.

My mum was schizophrenic, and lots of other things. She was damned hard work. When my dad went into hospital for a couple of weeks, my brother and I tried to look after her between us. I got to the stage where I told her and everyone else, including my gp, that the day she was made my responsibility would be her last day on earth.She is behind my mental health issues, she is the one who tried to destroy me (or she was, she died in March) and I am a damaged human being because of her.

You are 'damaged' too. You've had to make a life despite your mum. That's hard enough. You can't be all things to her now. She didn't put in enough for you to have the inner reserves to give out endlessly. You've done a lot for her and a lot to protect yourself, and now you need some support.

I am pretty much NC with my mother.Too much past history to go into. She has dementia and has always been a very difficult and angry person. She is adamant she does not want to go into a home and she has never been a social person so I believe her. Like your mum she has let all her friendships go or chased them away by being nasty to them. We do not live near each other.

I use a local home help/carers agency to go in twice a day to clean and prepare food for her and check on her. They also phone her in the morning at a set time to prompt her to take her medicines. They do a much better job than I ever would (she has the same two carers each time). I combine that with an all singing all dancing contract from British Gas for about £32 per month which covers gas, electricity and plumbing repairs and has been worth its weight in gold.

I have found this works well, is very cost effective, enables her to carry on living at home and manages all the practicalities with minimal involvement from me.

I really feel for you. I'm also an only child and my father died when I was 12. My mother is highly narcissistic and EA. I haven't had any contact with her at all for 3 years now (I'm 36).

I completely recognise that feeling of sickness that you described. When I used to contemplate my mother's old age I would be beside myself with how trapped I felt, how there was no way out and the rest of my life would be ruined by attending to someone I found so very difficult and damaging to be around.

In the end, and after a lot of therapy telling me this was okay, I just snapped and cut contact over something relatively trivial - a bout of repeated, increasingly hysterical phone calls when I didn't answer immediately, which you also describe. And now I don't care what happens to her in her old age. She purposefully cut herself (and me) off from her extended family; she is the cause of our fractured relationship; she is responsible for not having any friends. I am not. She chose not to look after me - in fact she chose quite the opposite, to purposefully hurt me - so why would I now, look after her? Of course this may not the situation for you, but in my own case I feel that the term mother is just a word, it doesn't imply a relationship.

I completely appreciate you may not want to go no contact. For me, it has been, without a doubt, the best decision I ever made. My life is drama free, my anxiety levels have dropped dramatically, I am much happier and more confident. Maybe this is a selfish attitude. But all I can say it it is not your responsibility to do these things. If you don't, someone else will. This probably sounds very trite, but we only get one crack at life, and it is too short to be blighted by someone who makes it painful.

I hope you find some way to resolve the fear, obligation and guilt you obviously feel within yourself about your mother. You are under no obligation to her.

Sorry for delayed response - a friend had an emergency so I was looking after her kids as well as mine this afternoon!

About to get into bedtime but thank you SO much for your amazing and informative responses. It is so good to hear from people who know what this is like.

I'll respond properly when I get a chance. Under the west way (great name btw), are you my long lost twin?! Our situations sound almost identical....