Very odd comment to make, whilst in the moment, this has put me off him!

[creativeme]

Hi, i have just recently starting seeing someone over the last month and things seem to be going well. Great job, secure, makes me laugh, similar interests/hobbies outside of work, but have complete opposite personalities he is definitely the more logical/analytical and he calls me the more dreamy/floaty one when really that may just be my femininity coming out and creativity, whilst with him, he is such a mans's man which is the attraction I had for him at the start. He even said we have loads in common but we are so different, which is 100% true.

Our first date was great, talked all night, banter, met up and had dinner, he told me he has been married before, 5 years in total and she left him when he found out about 3 men she was texting in the end and ended up going out with one of them afterwards, which she deliberately set up for him to see on her phone. She was after children with him and he said he didn't at that time want any, which made her turn this way...Im not sure on the full story as its always different from two sides etc. but afterwards a few months later, she goes on to fall pregnant with one of his friends, (one of the 3 she was dating.)

So after this relationship, he hasn't met anyone since, that was 4 years ago and focused purely on his career and before his marriage nobody else.

He goes on to tell me he doesnt know his dad either, he left the family when his brother was born and since then he doesnt know who he is or where he is. He said thats why he feels he is so independent, but didn't want to elaborate on it anymore.

So we are still getting on well and end up going out the following Saturday night which we loved, we just laughed all night long and then met up again the following week, so things were going well until he comes over to mine.

We had dinner at mine that week and again very close, tactile and he is always so embarrassed around me giggling away but in a sweet way too. When we return to mine, we are in the kitchen and before we know it, are heading upstairs which felt right. However, halfway through he says to me "don't get bored of me sexually or me will you?" To which I get up and said, did you just ask me not to get bored of you sexually and you too? yes he said, it completely ruined the moment and had to go downstairs for some food and I asked him again why he mentioned that but he didn't want to talk about it and didn't say anything else. We then just carry on eating, a very awkward strange moment. However after that I wasn't sure what to say or do as never had anyone mention this to me before....ever!

There were some really nice compliments from him but many a times he would throw some very odd, quite the opposite comments my way which always got me thinking differently or felt I was overly sensitive either way I didn't like it.

.....later he starts making odd remarks around the home, to very cocky remarks saying "you know you are good-looking?" to which I didn't reply but this was when I said I found him very attractive. He was saying my house is very girly and I obviously love romance as there are a lot of heart shaped (one to be exact) ornaments in the room and a cushion that had a message, saying home is where the heart is....after this he was asking am I really romantic?. Clearly yes I can be very romantic but he, I have noticed always seems to observe literally everything about me...literally, so I start to feel uncomfortable again and he notices this and says, are you ok? I don't like not being able to relax around someone or feeling they are judging me. He has a very high powered job in banking and sometimes when we sit together as this has just proved it at my house, I am struggling to talk about things.

The conversation starts to dry up and he starts telling me about his boys weekends away, how they get totally wasted, with 2 days to recover and their bodies start to shake for 2 days from the alcohol, if he is trying to impress me, its not working so I say to him, is that meant to sound good because its not really my style. He just loves telling me these stories every now and again and Im starting to get bored of them.

His stories are always about his friends, their stag weekends, one of his friends matt getting drunk and winding up his girlfriend which this guy I'm seeing finds funny, to which i feel is immature. So after all this and thinking right had enough its boring me now, its time for you to go home.

He does and mentions it would be nice to meet again naked and feels our sexual compatibility is right up there and another tick for him to add to the list. Then tells me about his friends and their tick list's when they are away even though they have partners, again more so this so called friend matt and tells me they end up, going out with girls whom them met one night not long ago, its not even a story I want to hear on how his friend got these girls and pulled them. I am not looking amused and as he leaves he says, maybe I went too far there mentioning about my friends and should keep them to myself. I said yes and the rest.

When he gets home I receive a text saying, arrived home, really enjoyed your company, had a great time. i just replied, thank you for dinner, he asked if everything was ok?

I have yet to reply and don't want to see him again I feel somewhat weird, there were too many statements there that left me thinking am I dating a 39 year old child, lad, inconsiderate, arrogant boy? who loves his drink, his mates and his work too much....maybe?

shame as outside we have loads in common apart from his mates, his drinking which isn't my style and our jobs are very different, he is in banking I am a therapist and spend a lot of time writing and seeing people etc. i am not one for going out all the time nor drink heavily too and my parents are still together which has made me I feel more reserved in many ways.

I have been in mostly long term relationships over 10 years and I was wondering if his father leaving or his ex partner leaving, has made him the way he is, but I don't really want to spend time analysing it, but just felt weird with his comment in bed, which was totally unexpected?

thank you for reading, still feeling strange. If anyone can shed any thoughts on this, but just to elaborate I don't regret sleeping with him its more the rubbish he was coming out with whilst with him last night that has completely thrown me and made me go off him straight away.

x

My husband wouldn't want to stay friends with men who cheat on their partners. I think it's very telling that he not only is friends with people like this but thinks telling someone he's dating about them is an amusing anecdote.

thank you everyone, well your comments certainly made me think of things very differently about him. The last time I heard from him was yesterday morning after he was over at mine, I didn't reply after he told me he had a lie in and glad I am ok and both of us havent contacted the other since, so we may just be fizzling out now, which is a relief and no complications, I hope!

I am relieved we aren't seeing one another again, I am not upset, just baffled by it all!

thank you again

Why are you baffled?!

You just had a date with a bit of a twat who made some stupid remarks, some of which indicated that he's a bit insecure sexually and definitely pretty immature. There's nothing baffling about any of it!

Surely as a therapist you'd be able to work that out? It isn't even a very interesting series of comments and situations, and definitely not one that's hard to 'work out'.

Good that you aren't seeing him again.

Parallel universe emoticon. Completely foxed by the general consensus that you should run for the hills, that his comments about your home were in some way off.

I see it that he was trying to connect with you, and showing his vulnerability was part of forging intimacy with you. You were about to dtd which is fairly intimate, I'd say.

Then you clearly rejected him and his bungled attempts at intimacy, which sent him into a spin. He keeps asking if you are OK and you just keep rejecting him, finding him odd and weird, without being honest, instead posting on a public forum to hoards of strangers. The poor bloke.

I'd say it is you who doesn't understand intimacy. What kind of therapist are you btw?I am a little horrified that you ddon't get this very basic and clear vulnerability. Maybe because you are a therapist that he felt he could risk being real with you.

It, or he, may not be your flavour, and it is not your job to therapise him, of course. But don't reject and shame the guy for making a stab at intimacy, however awkward.

Re his macho stories: in that sense you are well-suited in that you both seem to have got stuck in adolescence to some degree.

your reaction to his comment on going up the stairs was odd and weird. I'm not surprised that he struggled with the situation after that and was a bit crass. you don't like him so don't see him again but why waste so much time over thinking it? you sound quite hard work and it actually just seems like basic incompatibility.

He sounds very, very insecure and his way of dealing with that seems to be belittling you (banging on about you being 'girly', for example). He's bolstering his own ego talking about 'macho' time with his friends... he knows you're not interested in that and still he does it?

You're right, you don't know the other side of the story about his marriage but, if any of what he told you is true, maybe his wife wanted 'out'. It's an odd thing to marry somebody, not be clear about children or not and refuse after five years together.

The thing in your post that screeched warnings at me was when you walked up stairs together and he cautioned you against 'going off him sexually - or him generally'. That would make me personally more turned off him than anything and I wouldn't be able to restore my feelings.

I think if you carry on seeing him, you'll experience some 'bedroom' issues.

Hi there, can I just clarify I didn't run down the stairs to eat dinner, I sat up on the bed and was asking him what he meant, I didn't go cold on him and then it was after that, that it was awkward for both of us, I wasn't saying anything nasty to him or being critical or trying to make him worse I was, in my mind, trying to understand what he meant by his words as it was the first time this happened.
After this comment, we both got up and went downstairs and I did reassure him.
Springydaffs not sure on your comments, I have been in 2 long term relationships and we were very open and intimate together and I was married once before. I am a therapist for autistic children and work with children with learning disabilities so I am not a relationship counsellor or work with people on this level or trying to analyse them. So not sure if you meant this was what you assumed I did as work when its not, no.

I came on here to talk about it because I was wondering what others thought, he doesnt know this nor do I discuss with this my friends, family etc I wanted to just see what other's thought and I have always felt being on here people are very good at understanding the situation.

thank you

I would have thought he was a bit insecure about the stuff said in the bedroom. I'd probably be reassuring him in that case thinking it might be due to his wife leaving. The other comments would piss me off though, those wild weekends away were never my cup of tea anyway. You don't sound right for each other sorry.

It sounds to me like he got a bit nervous and needed reassurance. Then afterwards things were just a bit awkward. But it sounds as if he isn't right for you anyway.

Sounds insecure. The swinging from needy 'dont ever get bored of me' stuff to barbed compliments...I would give him a swerve.

I asked what type if therapist you were because I didn't know, nothing else.

OK, thinking about it, that comment as you tumbled up the stairs massively changed the dynamic. Was it the 'first time'? Sorry, can't quite work it out. BIG no-no to say that, then. He obviously has some deep-seated issues, no doubt because of past rejection (haven't we all!). That's not for you to sort out, though.

However, please give him the dignity of finishing it properly and with respect. It hasn't 'fizzled out', you have chosen not to reply to his latest comms, please be honest about this and don't fudge it, pretending its something else in order to avoid an uncomfortable situation.

The man exposed some extreme vulnerability to you, trusted you with it. It was misguided and inappropriate. I wouldn't be surprised if the macho blagging was panicked rubbish because you had recoiled at his exposed vulnerability.

He sounded emotionally unstable and that for me is a big no no for a potential partner. Just been there twice and not going there again. Glad you don't feel too upset. Put it down to experience.

But agree with Springy...let him know. Nothing worse than having no closure.

Hi there, thank you...totally see where you are coming from Springy and not judging, or hopefully I don't come across like that apologies if I did.

I will let him know, I would just like to choose my words carefully when the contact comes up when it does, or I may just say something to him as I feel not talking isn't a good thing and it will only play on my mind anyway.

So I wouldn't want to just ignore, but at the moment I am just "thinking" nothing bad, but just wondering, as I guess when you hear something like this when you are in the moment and yes it was the first time, it does make you want to take a step back and choose your words carefully as I am not one to offend. nor can I be his counsellor/therapist/helper.

I may have come across more surprised than anything when he starts going on even more about his friends, but like you have all mentioned he may have been feeling exposed, difficult to tell or know really without asking.

Just wondering what everyone thought so I am grateful, thank you.

I will see what happens over the next day, but will be speaking to him at some point., thank you again.

I am also not one to go out with the girls Springy, as at weekends I am either working, writing or ski instructing, the times I go out are rare but when I do, I am watching what I drink as I am very much into my fitness and health etc, nothing wrong with drinking its just not for me, so some of your comments Springy (stuck in adolescence) - doesn't make sense if you are referring to both of us around drinking? This isn't me at all.

I am in no way perfect but its interesting when you first meet someone, that they are so very different later that you start to see a completely different side to them and person too. I tend to keep conversations light and don't delve too deep/vulnerable until I really know someone and my life is in a good place so you can see why this is all new to me, but looking for someone to share my life with would be nice, just not desperate.
..... this is certainly a learning curve for me....

will let you know what is said/happens next.

the stuff about the lads and the tick list would be deeply offputting to me. It's a 16 year old thing to do, not 39 yo.

Well I havent heard from him but did ask what was all that about, sent him my thoughts as suggested for closure and he hasn't elaborated on it, whether he runs away or he just don't like to talk I will never know but leaving him to it now and letting him go but glad I did what I did, at least i have closure for myself, that may be whats needed.

who knows...

thank you again x

Doesn't sound like a very classy guy and has a lot of bad habits. Not just the drinking but sharing intimate details about his ex wife and personal life when you have only been seeing each other a month. He sounds like he's setting up excuses in advance for potential bad behaviour.

I always think guys that go on in the vein of this one are potentially abusive controlling annoying bores!

When you say 'whether he runs away' what do you mean? Did your message open up a conversation? A bit confused about how you left it with each other.

For the record I think he was just trying to impress you while at the same time was a bit insecure, we all say stupid things at times of pressure, while getting to know someone, it's a pretty vulnerable time on both sides normally. I don't see he has done anything wrong per se. But at the same time if you felt put off then you are right to walk away if you so desire.

What I do OP in the early stages of a relationship is not analyse anything, you just tie yourself in knots. If someone says something to me that I don't like I dump. I now know from experience that my subconscious alerts me when something is off about a person.

thanks guys, i think you are right hanselandgretel thats exactly what i thought the impressive stage but nothing to back up with, now that all sounds about right and shouting from the hills screaming alert shame because I did find him attractive that was the annoying part.!

The running away, yes I did try and open up the conversation to him and he didn't reply at all, then I said to him there are no bad feelings he said the same so he just didn't want to talk about anything else, or open up or anything at all. I was being really nice to which a day later he said he was in a workshop all day, but it was getting, like you said, really boring and this is when i thought no i can't be doing with this, its not for me!

Tinks42 i am normally the same too with my instincts and maybe on the first date that should have been my exact warning perhaps when he really opened up about his ex wife, who knows but feel ok now wasn't yesterday or the day before, very angry indeed be it myself or at him!

thank you again
x