Wishing life was different?

[Iwillnevertell]

I'm needing a bit of advice, or maybe it's just offloading to someone.

I have been with my DH for almost 30 years. We met when we were at school (I was 14, he was 16). We got married when I was 18 and he was 20.

In do love him but recently I have been thinking what is it like being with someone else. I will never have an affair (he had an affair 7 years ago and I was devestated). We have worked through it although I have to admit I haven't forgiven him and never will.

I find myself increasing unhappy because I keep thinking I married the first man who paid attention to me, and if I'm completely honest I didn't have very much self esteem, thought I was ugly, that no one else would have me (even at the age of 14), and it was also a way to get away from my family home (alcoholic parents, father was abusive verbally, emotionally and mentally to my mum and to an extent to my siblings and I).

I cannot stop thinking about how different my life would have been party because if my parents had been different, maybe I would have thought more of myself, wouldn't have been so eager to get away from home lived life a little bit more, seen the world, and every day I keep daydreaming like a stupid little girl of what my life would be like with someone else.

I do love my husband, and he does love me and we have a good life, 3 beautiful children, but I just cannot seem to get past this daydreaming.

I guess I just came on here just to "tell" someone cos I would never tell my friends. I think I'm trying to say I've wasted my youth being an adult far to early? Does this make sense to anyone. I do feel bad thinking this way because then I think of my beautiful children who are my world and to me are my biggest achievement.

I am not trying to minimise this but I wonder if it is an age thing. Lots of my friends and I went through this in our mid forties. A kind of "is this it". Its normal I think, to look back at choices and what if. Three sets of my friends got together at the age of 14/15. All went through this. Its almost a melancholia. They are all still together. I went through it, having got married at 26, tried lots of jobs, suddenly I was 45 and thought "what have I done really? How did I get to this age and not do x, y and z?" Continue focusing on the positives.
Maybe in your case, also a bit of stress/depression because of coping with your husbands affair?

How can you put some of this feeling to positive use and start to make your dreams reality? What is it that you wish you'd done when you were earlier? Can you do some of those things now?

It's okay that you haven't got over your DH's affair, even though it was a long time ago. Do you think maybe when it happened you pushed your feelings down in order to keep going? They always bubble back up to the surface.

I married my childhood sweetheart too.
Yes there are times when I wonder what would have happened if I had played around in my youth.
Bit I am happy with the outcome.

The truth is I will never know what would have happened had I waited while it is possible that I would have ended up with someone great, it is also possible that I may have ended up with a complete looser or I could have remained alone.

You know that there is nothing you can do to change the past. You can move forward. I think you should tell your husband some of this (obviously not the part about a new partner, but the part about low self esteem and never getting to see the world). It could be that was part of the reason he had an affair 7 years ago. He was also daydreaming.

Maybe you could go and have some of those experiences now, together?

Focusing on what might have been is not very helpful to you. It does not bring you happiness and it is not good for your relationship.

Thank you for replying. My husband knows I have low self esteem and knows that I wish we had travelled. the self esteem thing is probably something I'm never going to get over. You know how there is always that child in your school who no one plays with, people always make fun of, well that was me. I never had any boys "fancy" me when I was at a school or college. I was never part of the popular crowd. I have good friends now, very very good friends now, so i know I'm lucky there, but there is always that niggle at the back of my mind that I'm kind of a waste of space and people "put up" with me.

I'm trying to change how I feel about myself, by trying to make an effort with myself, and lose weight, and hopefully eventually what I see I the mirror will make me a little but happier, but again the voice in the back of my mind is saying it's a waste of time.

I know how I feel about myself has made me choose the path that I've chosen, but I just can't seem to help kind of wishing I had went another way.

My husbands affair, at the time I remember thinking it was only a matter of time that my husband had let me down because every other person in my life has let me down so why not him too?

I'm so sorry to burden everyone with this I just have no one else to "talk" to.

Its very positive that you are trying to build your self esteem. Practice telling that annoying wee voice to shut up! Its only recently I have started believing in myself. A gradual realisation that I was actually a nice person. Years of parental putdowns. Now I pull my mother up if she is negative or I laugh. Its weird but I still have to fight the feeling something will go wrong if I am positive about myself! It was a regret of mine, the realisation that I could have been more than I thought. I don't do that now. Looking back is only positive when you are learning something. Once you process your past, move on to your present and how blessed you are with your family and friends. You and your husband probably have a bit more to talk through. He let you down. Badly. How has he been since then? How hard has he fought to remain as your husband? His regrets must be huge too.

He has been great since I found out about the affair and has worked very hard to make things work. He knows how I feel and he has said to me "I don't know how to make things right other than what I'm doing", and he's right, I need to work on me and how I feel and see things.

Counselling?

Life begins at 40! You have so much ahead of you, get out there and start living.

Firstly as other posters have said it is normal to have these feelings. The self esteem issues I can definitely relate too and the 'not feeling good enough' at a young age. I would consider CBT. It can really aide you to put negative thoughts to bed as soon as they appear.

Put your plans to make yourself feel good into action (losing weight etc) Make more time for yourself and go to the doctor who will make a referral for CBT.

I don't know how you can change the way you think about yourself just by "thinking about yourself" and how you feel. For some people it would seem quite sensible to try counselling/cbt and other therapies that get you to reflect on how you feel and/or behave. I am inclined to think that there are other ways you could address the issue, whilst having some fun. Why not take that course you always fancied, study full time, change jobs, get new hobbies, save towards a great holiday in that place you always dreamt of visiting but haven't... working towards goals and achieving them has a dramatic impact upon how we see ourselves.

As regards, the what-ifs around having only been with your DH. I would suggest having a long read of some of the threads on here. Some of the stories are really shocking. I'm not diminishing your feelings, but sometimes it makes sense to see the positives rather than focussing on the negatives. Otherwise, maybe take a break. Talk and suggest a trial separation, or an extended break somewhere on your own, perhaps a retreat or something. Give yourself some time without him and see how you feel.

I can understand your feelings about self esteem, and I had tears in my eyes when you described 'that' child. I remember playing kiss chase all those years ago and being asked 'Why are you playing?

I blossomed later and got loads of male attention, which I couldn't handle. Cue disastrous relationships, and children with different partners.

I can't see myself settling down now as I find it hard to trust. And I feel hideous

I think you should look at what you've achieved, thirty years of marriage is no mean feat.
You have three children and a good life.
Time for you to do whatever you feel will fulfil you. Travel and see the world!

Sadly, the relationship board is full of women who have not had happy lives at all.
Overide that hateful voice telling you that you're unworthy- tell yourself repeatedly how wonderful you are.

Do it daily, hourly, until you believe it.

Great advice littlebluemouse!

I'm gonna read it again- for me this time

I second the advice about going for counselling (specifically CBT)
Happiness in life is about making the most of what is in your sphere of influence.
Believe it or not, you can actually learn to control how you think about your life and how you think about yourself. These are things within your sphere of influence.
It may also be time to sit down with your DH and (maybe with a glass of wine or two) make your bucket list of things you want to do before you die.
My DH and I did this and it was great. We picked some pretty major things that will need some organising but also some minor achievable things which we can tick off! We change the list each year! It gives us a sense of achievement and fun....
as a result we have both now eaten lobster!!!!
Good luck. You can turn this around!

I can give you one for the bucket list: Reykjavik.

Whales, snorkelling in the Crack in the World, going inside a volcano, the Penis Museum.

Here at home there's indoor skydiving/climbing, the North Wales zipline, the Munros, all sorts.

I know a couple who swear by 30 minutes of nudism in a remote beauty spot once a year. It has to be remote because they're in need of ironing these days.

Chesterton wrote that if you really want danger and excitement, don't go 1000s of miles for it, just jump over your garden fence or have a row with the vicar.