Dh makes me feel unhinged, is that me or him?

[SwiftRelease]

How the hell to tell? We had couples counselling, only went so far, i felt he just went through the motions. Our story has always been that I have issues (slightly dysfunctional family, domineering dm, some emotionally abusive behaviour) therefore i am unhappy therefore he is unhappy. I have spent years and much energy trying to sort myself out and am just starting to buck against dh's standpoint and point out that he also is not perfect, also issues, also stuff to work on. He wont have it.

We clash so much though. On everything and constantly. He stonewalls and says " just relax" and then we will be happy. I dont know. Not sure anything eorth fighting fir other than dds. We just can bever get along. And always MY fault. Think this is making me feel mentally unstable. Cant bear all the blame any more. Am i wrong?

Sorry I don't know your situation but I don't think your wrong to feel this way. What are his parents like? I think some people who don't have abusive histories take for granted being mentally healthy. It must be frustrating for you if he is not making the effort.

Thanks. Not really that he's not making the effort. More that he stonewalls and blames me for OUR problems. If that makes sense. Feel it's making me ill when actually it shouldn't as problem due to us both. Not my failings.

Have you looked at this or this?

Gosh, him angry and controlling?? Maybe, who knows. He/dm/dmil always blame me, however kindly.. Wondered aboyt the 2nd book before, yes. Should get. Thanks, gulp.

betting it is him. get the book, see what you think.

Unfortunately, abusive men often pick women who have suffered traumas/been abused/have MH issues, because then they can sit back and blame the woman for everything and feel better about themselves.

It doesn't sound like a happy marriage and that alone would be enough to think of moving on in my book. If he doesn't appreciate you and is making you miserable, neither of you is happy.

He seems to have found your weak spot and is using that to avoid any responsability of his own.

I'm sure there are lots of people out there who do and will appreciate you

I don't think he is abusive as such. He is very black or white, very proud. A real stickler on certain things such as interrupting which i see as natural part of ebb and flow of family communication. Poss controlling though thinks i am so who knows! He doesn't listen easily and is quick to minimise others' feelings veiled as reassurance.

No, its a deeply unhappy marriage. He thinks if i can "just sort myself out, we can be happy". Counsellor said he was classic rescuer and I the classic victim. Hence my question, trying not to be the victim here but have the balls to take responsibility fir my stuff.

well the bottom line here really is that it doesnt work, however you try to put another spin on it. Life is far too short to be with someone that is incompatible with you. One day you will look back and think why on earth you wasted a big part of it this way.

Well whether either or both of you have a point it's a deeply unhappy marriage. That's not a good ongoing situation. Either you can work it out between you (that's not working so far) or you find another way to no longer be in a deeply unhappy marriage.

Have you had any solo sessions with the counsellor?