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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help! feeling a bit lost!

20 replies

whattodonext2014 · 07/08/2014 17:06

I'm living with DP at the moment but I think I have realised that he is not the one for me. We have only been together for a year (I know, I know - too soon to have moved in - lesson learned) and over the last few weeks, as the honeymoon period has worn off, I have realised that he is not the one for me.

A few reasons why: He consistently makes us late for meeting people (especially if its something I have arranged that he's not keen on - but won't say outright that he doesn't want to go), he ALWAYS has to have his way (where we eat, what we do) no matter how many other people want to do the opposite, his idea of romance is grabbing my boobs and (this doesnt seem to bad but it really upsets me) when I want to go to bed to sleep because I have to be up early in the morning he comes up, puts the lights on and puts the TV on loud. If I ask him to turn it down he says 'Its only 10 for gods sake' or If I say I'm going to sleep in the spare room to get some quiet he huffs. The TV in the bedroom (which I therefore HAVE to listen to) is always a political programme which he thinks I 'should' be watching, even though I have explicitly said that I'm not interested in it. He knows something is wrong because I've been really down but instead of discussing it he asks me why I hate him.

I know these might sound petty but they are in no way isolated incidents. I do believe that he's generally a good person but I just can't take much more. I haven't been living in this city long and don't have a lot of friends apart from people at work (new job so I don't know them that well yet) so I'm feeling quite vulnerable and not sure what to do.

I don't even know why I'm posting this but it feels good to get it out. I guess I'm looking for people to tell me if I'm being unreasonable to split up with him over these issues. Also, the practicalities are scary. I have to tell him for a start! If I leave, he'll go on living where he is alone, so no problems there. I have nobody to stay with nearby while I find myself a flat so there would be an awkward few weeks living together while I did so. I'm 33 and would have to share a flat/house with strangers which feels like a massive step backwards. Also worried about ending up alone/missing the boat for children.

Thank you so much for reading this if you have got this far! I'm normally very positive about the future but it feels very uncertain at the moment.

OP posts:

GoatsDoRoam · 07/08/2014 17:10

You are entitled to leave ANY relationship that you no longer want to be in.

He sounds controlling and not very nice, to boot.

Well done on knowing your own mind.

Quitelikely · 07/08/2014 17:13

You have got no dc together and on that basis you don't need a good reason to leave. The alarm bells are going off please listen to them!

Sometimes these things just don't work out.

magoria · 07/08/2014 17:16

It is better to be alone than be miserable for the next 10/20 or more years.

If needs be can you have a child alone?

Tell him you are over, as soon as you get a place you are out and move into the spare room permanently. At least you can shut the door and keep away from him then.

applecharlotte · 07/08/2014 17:16

He sounds very irritating. And grabbing your boobs IS bad. Don't feel like you have to have a huge reason to leave a relationship you're unhappy in. If you're just not feeling it then that is reason enough. If you hadn't stated 'he's not the one for me' I would maybe say talk to him about how his behaviour makes you feel before ending it, but it reads as though deep down you know what you want to do.

Re: children, imagine staying and having to put up with his immature behaviour plus trying to parent. If you're worried about time, then all the more reason to move on and look for someone you're better suited to.

Why is a house share worst than being kept from sleeping, having the tv controlled by someone else and regularly being sexually assaulted?!

You deserve better! Good luck.

Bisou88 · 07/08/2014 17:19

Could you secure a place to live before you tell him your leaving?

Original poster

whattodonext2014 · 07/08/2014 17:23

Thank you all. He does have his good points - which I obviously have left out of the OP! He was great when we got together so I know he knows HOW to behave. I just don't think he really thinks of anyones feelings but his own (apart from mine at first because he wanted to me to like him) - his parents totally pander to him and let him have his way so i can see why that is!

I thought about securing a place to live before I leave - would that be terrible? I would hate to be deceitful but can't face the horrible awkward space inbetween splitting up and moving out.

OP posts:

wombat22 · 07/08/2014 17:31

I'm sure he has good points as well as bad, but from what you describe you know this isn't going to last. He's already getting on your nerves so it will get worse over time. Start looking for a place and go be happy. Good luck

Twinklestein · 07/08/2014 17:31

He sounds ghastly. House sharing with people who are not selfish and boob-grabbing would be a step forward not back.

Kleptronic · 07/08/2014 17:32

It's not deceitful it's an exit plan. You need to do the best thing for yourself here, he doesn't seem to do right by you, so you look after yourself properly and minimise the unpleasantness with planning.

Original poster

whattodonext2014 · 07/08/2014 17:36

How do I tell him? I thought maybe I should give him a chance by pointing out when he does things that upset me (am at fault here for not confronting the situations when they happen) but is that a good idea? he will probably get defensive (he tends to do this - i.e. if I told him he was driving too fast he would just go on about how terrible a driver I am) so maybe better to just tell him its over and not give a reason?

OP posts:

Original poster

whattodonext2014 · 07/08/2014 19:17

I've got home and he's being lovely. Every time I get to the end of my tether he finds a way of reeling me back in. Help me be strong mumsnetters!

OP posts:

Itmustbelove · 07/08/2014 19:22

It sounds as if the feelings are just not there for you. You can't magic them. And after a year, you start to get to know someone and that's when you question if they are right for you or not.

FabULouse · 07/08/2014 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

thisisnow · 07/08/2014 19:23

Don't give in! After a year you should still be in the loved up phase! He sounds a little bit controlling.

Original poster

whattodonext2014 · 07/08/2014 19:43

FabULouse, no I wouldn't do that. I'm so rubbish at saying anything though. When he does something that upsets me I just well up and have to leave because I can't respond to it normally (i.e. give him a rational reason why he might be being unreasonable) - maybe he would be acting differently if I could do that.

OP posts:

cantthinkofawittyusername · 07/08/2014 19:55

Oh dear! Him being suddenly nice, because he senses that you are getting fed up, doesn't sound good. It actually sound like typical behavkour of a manipulative person who may well turn out to be an emotionally abusive person in the not too distant fufure.

You've been together only a year, and he has already dropped his "nice" behaviour! His behaviour will certainly not improve, but deteriorate further.

OP, be very grateful that you don't have any kids yet and that you are seeing the light before you are trapped with this terribly selfish man and potentially equally difficult in-laws (his parenty pandering to him doesn't sound promising either...)!

Being in a fairly new place were you don't know many people can be scary, I totally understand you are wary of living alone or in a flatshare. But think of it this way: how many new friends are you going to make with this socially inept, selfish man by your side who clearly doesn't want you to have a social life.

I'm afraid that there is a real risk that many people will be alienated by your partner's behaviour, but won't tell you openly, but simply drop the two of you alltogether. This in turn will make you even more dependent on him and make him think that he can treat you even worse, because you won't have the courage to leave you anyway.

OP, especially in a place were you don't have many friends yet, it is vital that you are your own best friend! Leave, go and meet new people! You will meet good friends in time, if you give yourself the chance to.

Living in a flatshare with civilised people who know how to behave around people will certainly be a step forward, and not backwards, as someone upthread has already pointed out.

cantthinkofawittyusername · 07/08/2014 19:58

Sorry, lots of typos

toyoungtodie · 07/08/2014 20:12

Oh dear, I think you should leave. If this is how he makes you feel after only one year, then I think this relationship is doomed. Having children just magnifies any relationship problems you have, and if you do stay with him, a few years down the line, you will be planning to leave, with children. You only have to read the posts on here to understand how difficult that is.
Any one who puts the lights and TV on when you are in bed trying to sleep, is a uncaring selfish person. Sorry

Itscurtainsforyou · 07/08/2014 20:25

OP I agree with others, if this is how you feel there's probably no future together.

However, I wonder if its worth sitting down with him and telling him how his behaviour has pushed you away. Some people have no idea how annoying they are/they are oblivious to how their behaviour makes them appear to others.

I remember a chap who walked all over a girlfriend and she put up with it. With his next, he was dumped on from on high - it was a big shock for him as he'd not realised there was anything wrong with his behaviour.

Kleptronic · 07/08/2014 23:44

Make plans OP. He'll stop being lovely tomorrow, or over the weekend, or in the week - at some point he'll go back to telling you what to do and ignoring your choices.

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