Don't really know what she wants

[mumaa]

Bit of a strange one and just after independent views. Finding a former work colleague's behaviour a bit weird.

So, I would have referred to her as a friend up until she went on maternity leave...

I emailed her to offer her some baby things saying won't be offended if she didn't want them, just say no, was going to sell them but offering her first refusal to have them (free of charge of course) - no reply.

She had her baby, sent a text to congratulation and say would love to come meet little one - no reply, fair enough she had just had a baby!

I sent her a gift for her baby, she emailed to thank me and I said let me know when you are up for visitors, would love to meet baby - no reply.

I sent her a message asking if she would be around on the date of DDs bday party as would like to invite baby (she is often on holiday around this time which is why I asked & I was limited to spaces for party) - no reply.

So, I stopped messaging her, quite frankly I started to feel like I was making a bit of a fool of myself and she was perhaps trying to "phase me out"

However, she comments on a lot of my social media posts, in a way that would be perceived that we are good friends. The latest being commenting on a picture of my daughter to say hopes her birthday gift doesn't arrive late.

Now, to me this seems really strange... she isn't making any effort to stay in contact with me in RL, when I stop making an effort, there is no contact from her. She comments with really familiar chat on social media posts, which is fine, but I feel the need to respond in a similar way, which to me feels false. And she is now posting a present to my DD. I don't know what to make of it all but it all feels a bit weird, if she doesn't want to be in contact with me I'd rather she just give up contact altogether, its fine, but to me, this type of contact feels strange & false!? or am I reading far too much into it?

This could be me and my friend! Really close until she has her first dd then she went so stance and did everything you said! Always liking stuff on fb, commenting on my pics. Bump into each other in rl and says we must catch up, I'll email her and nothing.... In the end I gave up and honestly I feel so much better for it.
My friend wasn't suffering pnd or anything before anyone thinks I abandoned her, I think she just became a bit "pfb" after her dd was born and the rest of the world was forgotten.

She is not a true friend, she is keeping her hand in there by making the FB comments or else wants to be seen as part of what is going on.

The fact she has ignored you all these times should tell you what you need to know, baby or not, that's just plain rude, she doesn't actually care at all.

It's possible she's just overwhelmed and exhausted. I fb people with nice comments as I can do it at convenient times like late at night, whereas a phone conversation can be difficult to find a good time. If she's going to the bother of posting a present, she must still care. I'd try and ask her how she's feeling and mention you haven't seen her, on basis that I don't think there's enough here to conclude she's writing you off and not just having a hard time.

See if the present turns up.

silly question, she hasn't changed her phone no and forgotten to tell you?

Thanks, I should have said, I don't think she is having a hard time (but then, how would I know) - she has posted pics on fb etc of having met up with other former colleagues, etc. so she is making the effort with them.

Its weird, my instinct says she's not interested and as mosaicone says, I think I would feel better to just cut contact, but then she sends my DD a gift which does say to me that she does care, I don't know, I find it all weird & it is making me feel a bit uncomfortable.

I can't talk to her about it as she wont even return messages. I feel like saying "what do you want?" if she just wants to keep in touch online, no effort, see what I'm up to and make the odd comment, then fine. But why ignore RL messages and then send gift?

thank you for replies!

meerka She definitely hasn't changed her number (still on Whatsapp so you can see she has been recently active, same number - felt like a stalker even checking that but I wondered the same)

Maybe she is doing it with all her friends and is a bit into game playing, who knows, don't waste your energy on folk like that, false and pretentious, sure you have better friends than her.

I can see why you're confused if she's met other colleagues it does seem weird and contradictory. I wouldn't keep making the effort as I'd feel like you that I'd made enough attempts and leave the ball in her court.

Here's how I read it: FBing is easy and requires no commitment, and can be done at any convenient time.

The questions you are asking her, however, require decisions and commitment (do I want these baby things, which ones, am I avalibale on x date, can I wrangle baby at a party...) and are the kind of things that any overwhelmed procrastinator puts off. I know I do, constantly: I have an inbox full of such messages that make me tired just to think about them.

It's true she is not prioritising you, but then, she's just had a baby. Maybe she is closer to the other colleagues than to you. Maybe, though, they just made it easier for her ("Hey Friend, we are meeting at x place at x time, come along if you can") rather than asking questions that require her to make choices, as you have done. IYSWIM.

I'm not saying her behaviour is right, just that I can understand it and don't see it as heinous. I have learned to make things veerrrry easy for people I want to stay in touch with.

she's not replying to things that mean meeting in person. maybe that's too much for her at the moment?

Urgh i had this experience recently. Ive known this "friend" for nearly 20 years, we were very close at one point, i considered her my best friend, then she got a new DP last year. Contact started to fizzle out, ignored messages, however she still sent cards and presents on my childrens birthdays.

I recently got back with my DP after a 4 year break up, in January this year and as soon as she found out, her tone changed, then suddenly she deleted me off FB without a word. I asked if i had done something to piss her off, no reply.

So in short. They can go fuck themselves. If they dont want to be real, you shouldnt be interested. Im glad shes gone now because TBH it was getting a bit tiresome trying to maintain this "friendship"

The advice above would all be good enough if it weren't for the fact she's just had a baby....

A lot of people go into themselves a bit when dealing with a newborn and just don't feel they have the stamina to deal with visitors/social stuff. She may have PND, she may not even have PND but just be feeling a bit low and strange, she may just be knackered, she may be having a hard time with her other half, you just don't know what's going on. I retreated quite a lot from people after my DD was born, just feeling I didn't really have the strength to deal with a lot of what was involved in maintaining a social life -- could only really deal with very old friends and immediate family.

You don't say when the baby was born, I'm guessing its fairly recently.

I would give it a few more months. After about a year people start to get some of their life back and start to venture forth a bit.

If after a while she's still behaving like this, then she sounds either as if she's trying to give you the brush-off or like a fairweather friend.

i would see the facebook thing as she's trying to keep up with your activities and life as best she can under the circumstances

Baby is 6 months old.

Photos of her catch up with another ex colleague were at her home, so something she clearly managed to organise.

If she wants to give me the brush off, that's fine, just keep in touch via fab and not make the effort! ok then, if you must, I just don't get the sending a gift to my DD thing

Could it be that it's far easier to comment quickly, briefly & in passing on FaceBook, twitter etc, when an email or text feels a bigger commitment?