dsis and amazing update

[tapestryorrug]

for many years I have been heartbroken hearing my dsis on the phone, for many hours, crying distraught and desperate to come "home"

for decades she has lived abroad, bringing up her three dc, yet "hating" the place, and "I don't want to die here" conversations with me- her elder dsis-
as her guardian when we were young, I always felt "responsible" for her, yet was unable to help when she married and her dh, now ex, chose to move her away.
well, a few weeks ago, after a tearful and desperate call from dsis-which left me distraught- by chance her ds-adult- rang as we are close.

with the awful emotive call from dsis still ringing in my ears, I simply relayed how traumatic dsis's life has been for years.

he was astonished, practically speechless, saying dsis is/was fine, and she wouldn't "come home" as she had her life with her dc and grandchildren where she is living.
she had said to him ,why would she "come home" when she had her family there

well, a lesson learned, or perhaps not, but since then every time dsis rings,we chat about everyday things, and not another negative or desperate word, as though everything in the garden is rosy.

after decades of long depressed conversations listening and sympathising with dsis, it's suddenly stopped, as though the past had never happened.

*is dsis hiding how she is truly feeling now?
*was she playing the victim card?
*now it has been out in the open with her ds, will she "hide" the reality of her life, or have I spoken in such a way that she will feel that she can never confide how she is feeling?

wish I had kept my thoughts to myself, and not told dn about the trauma dsis had constantly cried about.

Did you really want another however many years of worrying yourself sick? If she is unhappy she has the option to come 'home', but she currently chooses to stay where she is.

I've read this before somewhere - have you posted it here or somewhere else?

yes funky the OP posted a while back, this is an update.

Nice to hear that the conversation has become so much more normal, OP. Though it must be leaving you reeling as to the 'misery' of the last years.

how often do you see her face to face? what sort of person is she - do you know if she tends to dramatize things? if you both observe the same incidents and she retells them, you can kind of tell from that if she states things accurately or downplays or up plays them. Its not foolproof but it's an indicator.

Its clear that actually she could have come back but she felt she had to stay - but this seems to have been an unwarrented feeling. Her son was clearly astonished from what you say which tends to indicate that it can't have been as bad as all that.

She does have thigns to come back to so it's not that her life would be empty here.

On balance, I'd say it's more likely that well, things have not been as bad as she said. You never know for absolute sure what goes on behind closed doors, but from all you've said the astonishment has been genuine.

Maybe the small everyday things have built up in her mind into something bigger and nastier, or maybe it's been a way of dumping some negativity she feels. Or there might be some hidden mental health problem. You might never know :(

I think you have to go ahead on the assumption that she was being a drama queen before and was just revelling in your sympathetic attention. If you work on any other basis, you'll drive yourself mad.

If it was the truth before and she is now somehow "gagged" (and seriously, how?) then she has to find some way of communicating that to you. You can't prove a negative, ie. that there's no problem.

Or possibly, once her ds knew, the possibility of leaving became real, and for whatever reason, she has backed away from it.

You can't solve this for her, though I understand your concerns. My mum has been in a marriage for over 40 years which she could fill a book with negative comments about. But she also has enough independent income to have left several times over.
I think if you hide behind a reason for not doing something (in my mum's case, for the sake of the children, then because my father is in poor health), it is easier than facing up to the fact that maybe you don't have the courage to do it.

That said, not seeing her dc and gdc will be a huge barrier to moving for your dsis. The issue is that she has used you as a sounding board or a vent for her unhappiness, rather than accepting that the benefits of staying (being with dc and gdc) outweigh the benefits of leaving, and getting on with it.

I think some people compartmentalise their friends/family and don't realise that they are giving different messages to each without the context.

So, my mum likes to moan and complain to me but puts on a happy face to certain others. Hence massive confusion when I'm worrying and others are not hearing the same thing.

Her feelings are real, though, so I think maybe you have been her channel for those feelings and she's forgotten to reassure you that she's basically reconciled to her choices.

That's a good analysis, Imbroglio.

What would happen if you asked her directly? Just ask her if something has changed because in the past you believed she was unhappy because of the nature of your conversations and you are confused?

I remember your previous thread OP and to be honest I wouldn't raise the question again, I'd leave well alone and if she starts up in the future I'd say that you believed she'd resolved all her issues, but if she needs help to return here you're always there for her. I don't see that you can realistically do any more.

Something may well not be quite right but I don't think it's for you to try and fix. Her DS is there on the spot, you aren't.
Just breathe a sigh of relief that it all seems ok at the moment.