Can being brought up in a dysfuntional, abusive family make you ...

[bubblygum]

Somewhat dependant on your future partners?

The relationships between people in your family tend to set the tone for all other relationships. By watching your parents relate to you and to each other, you learn what relationships 'should' look like. That can be a healthy model or a very unhealthy model but you can't tell the difference because you're a child and whatever goes on in your family is normal to you. So yes, the type of family you grow up in absolutely does influence future relationships.

What's on your mind OP?

Completely. Without parents or decent sibling relationships, once I met my DH he literally became my world. I have wonderful girlfriends but he is my only family. He is not only my husband but my next of kin, my sole beneficiary, my closest confidante, my lover, my only financial partner... This in and of itself can put stress on a relationship. Not to mention all the unresolved family of origin issues that can only really start to be resolved when you make that complete connection with someone! Abusive/dysfunctional families are truly the gift that keeps on giving. :(

'Not to mention all the unresolved family of origin issues that can only really start to be resolved when you make that complete connection with someone!'

This is very true. I started therapy about a year after I met my DP because I didn't want my past to impact on our relationship. Unfortunately it did anyway, but I have been able to manage it and things are much better between us now.

I guess its similar to people who put up with all sorts of crap from their abusive families, then become parents themselves, and suddenly they have something precious that they need to protect from all the toxicity, so they start to stand up to the abusers, or even cut contact. It's a shame that more of us can't just make the decision to do that for ourselves.

Thank you. It is helping me make sense of things a little more!

When me and my bf got together,i was happy and he was happy.
Stressful things came about in my family, and i was doing the freedom programme. So lots of things resurfaced. Causing great anxiety and stress.
When with my bf, i was happy and quite content. Then i started to be unhappy when i wasnt with him. My mind would go into overdrive of things that were bothering me (non related to him).
Then i find myself picking at him through txts when he wasnt with me (not all of the time).
Over stupid things half of the time. Things that usually would not bother me in the slightest.
I am absolutely fine when i am with him though. He could say something in a text that i would read wrong (during anxiety), but say the same thing in person and id not think anything of it.

Its as though some part of me is trying to find him being nasty to me, and it turns out its me whos picking -not him!

bubblygum, I cannot recommend counselling/psychotherapy enough for helping you to unpick stuff like this. Weird little patterns that you have got into, stuff you do but you don't know why you do it, stuff that makes you feel sad/angry/insecure but you don't know why. This is all down to stuff that you have learned while very young and it is so helpful and so liberating to understand it, to know why you do it and then to help to change it if necessary.

You mention that things 'resurfaced'. This can be extremely painful and it can work its way into seemingly unrelated situations. I used to fly off the handle with my partner over silly things - I worked out through therapy that it was actually my parents I was angry at (all the time), not him. Being aware of this has made me take control and change it and our relationship is much better as a result.

Seriously, this kind of stuff is very hard to work out on your own. Having a skilled professional who is not personally involved in your situation and is trained to listen makes is so much easier.

I just want to be happy again. I dont want all of this stress and anxiety to ruin something that is good.
I was fine for quite a long time. I was happy to tell him what i had been doing the days i wasnt with him.
Could all the recent stress and anxiety be the cause of all of this? Or am i just a bitch deep down and now im finally letting it all out?

You're not a bitch. And of course you want to be happy. And you deserve to be happy. It sounds like you feel there is something in your relationship, or something about you in your relationship, that you would like to change. Maybe you're not sure how or what - that's ok, you may need some help to figure it out. And please don't feel bad about any of this - healthy relationships take work, nobody has a magic formula and everyone is learning all the time. The really great thing is that if it's a relationship based on respect and love, rather than unhealthy things, its one of the most rewarding types of work you can ever do

Thank you lottapianos!
I do have a CPN at the minute which was mostly for something completely unrelated.
I have had a few over the years due to my eating disorder. Apart from when i was a kid, i have never spoke about my parents really.
Yet i know deep down that my upbringing caused and still is causing a lot of aggro in my life.
I can speak about an awful lot of things that bother me, but find it very difficult about my parents.
I can say very easily that they were awful, and speak about certain things. But i would generally laugh it off, never talking about how it all really made me feel. Is that normal?

Sounds totally normal to me. I don't know the details of your family but children who grow up in abusive homes are often very well trained to think of other people before themselves, and are not allowed to have feelings of their own. So you saying you have difficulty talking about your feelings makes total sense. I was the same for quite a while after starting therapy. You have had to find ways of managing life in your abusive family and so you have had to learn to do things that most children don't have to.

Your feeling of 'am I normal? Is this normal?' is also very 'normal' in itself! Trusting yourself is extremely hard if you have been undermined since you were a tiny child. Its a new skill but like any skill it can be learned and with practice, it gets much much easier.

Do you take care of yourself OP? Do you look after your health, your body? Do you treat yourself, not necessarily with food but with whatever makes you happy? I found increasing my levels of self-care helped hugely with building self-esteem.

lotta's nailed a lot of it. the pattern you describe is really typical.

Weird little patterns that you have got into, stuff you do but you don't know why you do it, stuff that makes you feel sad/angry/insecure but you don't know why

I'd add - be sure to talk to your bf. a lot. Tell him that you do these thigns and you don't know why but actually you don't want to be doing them and you do love him really. That you're trying to stop it. I hope he's the sort you can talk to.

Im finding myself not having a clue what to type. Lottapianos, you have said a lot that makes sense to me. A lot i thought was me, but knew wasnt right.

I am trying to look after myself a lot more. I have anorexia, and am trying to get my weight up. Half way to where i should be, but its getting more difficult. I was listening to meditation apps at bedtme, but ive stopped that at the minute.

I want to talk to my bf so much, and i know he would listen and not be judgemental. I tried lastnight. Said a little bit and then i laughed about it and said i dont want to talk abiut it anymore.
I just block myself everytime

Meerka is right about sharing this with your boyfriend. I know how scary that is - I used to bottle things up and stew about things and I had no idea how confusing and scary it was for my partner. When I started talking to him about it, it became less scary - the world didn't end, he didn't think I was mad, he didnt' leave me, he didnt' tell me to keep my pecker up! It sounds like you think your boyfriend would be able to listen to you and not judge you. Why do you think you block yourself? Do you think that what you have to say is trivial, silly, not worth discussing? Maybe taking small steps is a good idea - having short conversations and recognising when you want to stop, rather than pouring it all out in one go. Do what feels safest for you.

I have no experience with anorexia other than knowing an acquaintance who has been struggling with it for 20 years. I'm so sorry you're dealing with it too.

Here's some self-care stuff that works for me - feel free to ignore anything you think wouldn't interest you:

• exercise routine and stick to it
• early nights so getting plenty of sleep
• make-up and nice outfit every day (get it all laid out the night before to save time)
• nails always manicured and pedicured
• going out and doing something fun at least once a week - cinema, restaurant, have some nice beer/wine, visit an exhibition, long walk by the river, whatever
• writing plans and appointments on my Sherlock calendar so I can see what I have to look forward to and can keep a record of the nice things I have done
• buying treats a couple of times a month - usually make-up related for me!
• buying good quality clothes and shoes

Self-care is a way of saying to yourself 'I am a good person who deserves to look and feel good, I am worth spending time and money on, I need nurturing and I can do that for myself'. Like trusting yourself, it can be a new skill and there can be some guilt and shame in the beginning. With practice, it gets easier and does wonders for your self esteem.

I was brought up the only child of older parents. They rowed constantly and there were rarely moments of happiness. There was some violence from my mother. She herself had had a miserable childhood in a very large family.

I tried and tried with my own family but have not been a good mother. I have no idea how to assert myself and felt completely overwhelmed by the demands of children and a largely absent husband. I have no idea what a happy family is like. I do not have a Disney image and know that all families have difficult times.

Now redundant from the job I loved, close to one child (DD2) but NC with the others, I realise that without a "good" example and the kind of supportive (but not controlling) DP/H I did not find, I think it is very, very hard.

I wanted to share, to do things together but my H wanted to earn lots of money and sleep most of the weekend. I don't look any more, no dating as I think it is not worth the hassle. I have interests and friends but when they talk about their families etc I feel despair which I endeavour not to show.

I am trying to plan what I'll do in retirement, which begins shortly. I don't dare hope that I will be included in any family life DD2 may have.

Sorry for long post.

Just wanted to say hi and I'm following this thread and finding the advice useful. I'm in therapy for an eating disorder and have issues from childhood which permeate my relationships now. You're not alone.

hoboken, that must have been a hard post to write. It sounds like you have a high level of self-awareness - do you know why your DCs have gone non contact with you? It may be that the relationship can be repaired, depending on what they want from you and what you are able or willing to give.

hoboken I'm so sorry to read your experiences. It's not too late to try to improve matters. It's not for everyone but have you tried skilled therapy?

I hope you can find some healing.

bubbly why is it you aren't listening ot the meditation tapes and why is it you can't talk to your bf? Just a question, are you trying to undercut yourself? Is something in your head trying to shoot you in the foot? (do say if im looking way too deeply, this is only the internet and I don't know you at all!). But if that is the case, try writing it down to him instead. Even if it's not perfect, he sounds like he's a really nice bloke and I'm sure he'll understand.

Thank you for sharing and showing me im not alone. Hobroken, i am so sorry to hear of what you have been through. I hope one day in the near future you and your family can work something out and make amends.

Thank you for the tips lotta, i will try and help myself with self care again. But i think Meerka has mentioned something quite interesting.
In a strange way, i think may be shooting myself in the foot.
I want to speak, but shoot myself down, by making myself believe others arent interested and so i believe it is pointless.
My eating...i will be hungry, and want to eat but then ill feel so upset and stressed that i make myself feel its pointless.

Why would i deliberately block myself off, especially if i really dont want to?
Is it a form self punishment? And why?

Ooh and the meditation. I knew that helped me a lot, and i still know it probably could help me again,but i block myself everytime i think about listening to it

'Is it a form self punishment?'

Yes it might be. Its really good that youre asking yourself these questions OP.

However, the best person to help you to answer them is a professional who you build up a therapeutic relationship with. I know lots of us on here recognise what you're going through, and have relevant experiences to share, but really we are just a bunch of strangers on the internet, and we're really not well placed to help you answer highly personal stuff. I'm not saying stop posting or that you shouldn't be writing these questions by the way! Just that it sounds like you are ready to be guided through the process of finding the answers (which are different for everyone). It sounds like something is stopping you from moving forward and you're not sure what. That is a really brilliant starting point for therapy. Loads of people start therapy with a vague sense of being 'stuck' or generally unhappy - a therapist will, over time, help you to unpick what's going on with you.

So please do keep posting but think about other ways of exploring these issues too

Bubbly, sorry, should have said, perhaps you do need some counselling or therapy to help you break some cycles and get a perspective on why you feel as you do. We all have roles in life - partner, spouse, worker, career and we can all be many things to many people.

There is an old saying, (and I do not mean that you and your BF should part) which goes something like, 'If you love it, set it free and it will return to you. If you imprison it, it will forever try to break free.' I do not mean literal imprisonment but perhaps you "freeing" BF in a psychological sense for his roles in life, all underpinned by his relationship with you. That relationship exists even when he is not physically present with you at work, with his family, out with his friends etc.

You have your own roles too to enjoy, again all underpinned by your relationship with him.

bubbly you mention that you block yourself from eating; eating disorders really do come with the territory of abusive homelifes. May I ask how old you are? I had the benefit of a LOT of therapy from a very young age (social services and police were involved in my situation from about age 11) which I continued through my teens and into adulthood and cannot recommend it enough. Different kinds are available for different stages of life or needs - in my 20s, I had a very specific set of needs to change destructive behavioural patterns around sex and relationships, and I found cognitive behavioural therapy very helpful, I had almost a year of sessions to break those deeply ingrained patterns as they stemmed from my non-existent self-worth; more recently I encountered a WHOLE new bundle of issues when I became a mother that I never even knew existed so I had several sessions of talking therapy that really helped. I have also definitely used therapy as a kind of replacement for parental wisdom, since my parents were distinctly unavailable to give me any kind of sober, rational, informed or intelligent advice! Maturity helps, but you will need to find support to reach a healthy maturity as your parents' roles in your life have been largely destructive. Talk talk talk about stuff - with your bf, girlfriends, therapists, etc. Gaining clarity is about understanding the depth of your pain and all the tentacles of unhappiness it spreads into your life. for you.

OP I realised recently I was very dependent on my DH. I subconsciously saw him as a parent figure and wanted him to look after me as a parent would. I was NC with my parents for 8 years. Recently I have re-established a relationship with them which is going well. As a result I think my dependency on DH has lessened and I am being more assertive with him. When I was NC I was very aware that I had no safety net and as a result I can see now that my relationship with DH was not very healthy. I feel our relationship is now going through a transition while I rebuild a hopefully healthy relationship with my parents and siblings.

So, to answer your original question, yes, my dysfunctional/abusive and neglectful childhood has had a HUGE impact on how dependant I was/am on my DH.

As a PP said, a dysfunctional family is the gift that keeps on giving.

I am really going to try and talk to my bf tonight. Even if it is just a litte bit.
I had therapy from round about age 11 also. Due to stress and depression. It helped me a lot.
Mostly, what i learned from therapy between age 11-14, it all came into effect around aged 17. I asked for further therapy at around aged 18, and that helped deal with the abusive relationship i was in, and my eating.
Again, it helped.

Im back with therapy again at age 27 for other issues regarding another abusive relationship, that effected me deeply emotionally and resurfaced all kinds of crap from my childhood.

I was always a strong believer in talking. Only last relationship made me believe that nobody wanted or needed to hear me and so now i really struggle.

I have nobody else to talk to really. I have no real close friends, none of which i could talk to.
I will be seeing my therapist in 2 weeks time. He has helped me with CBT and mindfullness and it was helping until i blocked myself.
I will speak to him about possibly digging deeper into my childhood.

Good luck, OP. some wise words here.

Hobo, was SO moved/impressed by your post! I speak as the dd of a domineering mother with whom I've felt I've had to be nc on and off. She is in complete denial. Will not talk. Ever. All issues in my head, apparently. Your awareness that your childhood affected yr mothering and yr dm's before is very powerful. I hope you get to establish contact with your other dc. You certainly have the necessary empathy. Maybe with time and some frank conversations? I wish my dm had half your awareness or EQ.