Do I encourage these welfare concerns to be investigated by CAFCASS?

[TractorTam]

DD is 6 and her father and I have been separatedfor several years. He was abusive to me and I fear the way he treats DD equates to emotional abuse too, but obviously it's difficult to prove. He currently has eow weekend contact but is looking to extend this to 3 night's instead of one eow plus half of school holidays. While the 3 nights eow would actually be better for me, as it means I'd very rarely see him (he is still verbally/emotionally abusive where possible) I feel like I'd be letting DD down if I just let him have his way.

Some examples of his behaviour include telling DD she could attend parties/dance classes/sports events then once she was excited, I'd paid for things etc he'd change his mind. He told her she's like an elephant anyway, so no point attending dance classes. He let her practice for the sporting event for months, only to tell her on the day he didn't feel like taking her.

I have a rule that if one DC wakes up they play quietly until the other DC are up, rather than running round waking everyone. He said she can wake him whenever she likes, because he puts her first, and isn't too busy with other children for her

He frequently asks her if she's seen my parents, despite knowing we're no contact and have been for many years. This is to prompt her to ask me questions about them that I might find difficult/to resent me for not providing her with GPs.

He tells her to keep everything that happens during contact a secret.

He lets her eat whatever she wants, often resulting in an upset stomach for days after contact.

He lets her watch inappropriate films which give her nightmares.

He leaves her unsupervised with his GFs 12 yr old brother and his friends. She's accidentally mentioned making fires with lighters with them, the 12 yr old sharing her room (possibly bed) and has repeatedly inappropriate language which suggests they're talking about inappropriate things around her.

He tells her he wants to see her all the time, but makes no effort to actually arrange additional contact therefore leaving me in the difficult position of her asking does he ask to see/phone me? Why don't you let him?

I could go on and on but generally would appreciate some outside perspective. Am I being overprotective because I know how he treated me? Should I resign myself to the fact that what he's asking for is standard contact and he'll probably get it, therefore there's no point fighting it? Or do I go with my gut instinct and keep contact as it is and only allow more if that's what the court decides after looking into things?

Go with your gut instinct. I would also be extremely concerned about the lighters/room sharing business but someone more knowledgeable than me will be better placed to give advice. Good luck

I just don't get how the court decides who's telling the truth because he'll deny it and DD has been told to keepit a ssecret or she won't see the boy anymore. She's supposed to be going away with them for the week next week - previously the most he's ever had her is 3 nights - and I don't feel comfortable about it at all. Everyone going drinks so DD and the 12 yr old will be likely to be left to their own devices again and ex never responds to tell me how DD is and refuses to let her callme.

I would seek advice. I'm not sure if the courts would take the words if a six year old seriously (someone on here might know) but I agree he being abusive towards her. The good thing is, is that she has got you who isn't abusive so she will have a solid contrast of the two of you as she grows up. Kids do eventually manage to work out who is pretty rubbish for themselves.

I would only go down the court route if solid legal advice says you'll get a positive outcome. But really I doubt it. Just keep being the good, consistent parent you are. And your dd will no doubt turn out accordingly.

There are two issues:

• Do you have to agree to the additional contact? No. He can take you to court (although you'll be told to try mediation first), CAFCASS will be involved, you (and dd) will have the chance to express your concerns. Will he win? Hard to say - there is a lot of tolerance for poor parenting in the interests of promoting contact. But you'll be no worse off than if you'd just agreed in the first place, and you'll have bought some time.

• Is the treatment of dd currently bad enough to warrant an SS referral in its own right? The food/films side of things won't be seen as a cause of concern, but her sharing a bed (if that is the case) with an unrelated 12-year old male will be seen as an issue. I'd phone your local SS and ask for their advice about whether a referral would be appropriate.

I feel very sorry for your dd about the parties/dance thing - in my eyes, that is abusive (and telling her she's like an elephant, how awful) but it won't be taken seriously in court. I'd signed dd up for karate and had paid for the year's subscription, bought her the outfit etc. It was on a night dd used to spend with me, but has become a night she spends with ex. He is meant to bring her but mostly doesn't bother. It's frustrating, but not the kind of thing that will be given much weight in court.

can completely understand your concerns and sympathise with.you.however i do.not think cafcass will pay any attention - thats my personal experience of them . my exp has.admitted to drug use and sexual offences against women and theyve still recommended unsupervised contact! do u have a solicitor you could get advice from? i would.stop.over night contact and let him bring the matter to court

That's what I figured biblio - I'm not stopping contact altogether, just not agreeing to more. Therefore, if he gets what he wants I'll have tried my best rather than just let him have it straight off when I have concerns.

I can't afford a solicitor or mediation

wilma, that's awful - not the kind of peson you want your dc to have unsupervised access with.

Yes, I think that's a sensible course, Tractor. As for mediation, you may not have to pay if your income is under a certain level (that's they way it is locally to me anyway). Not sure mediation would do you a lot of good. If your ex takes you to court, it is possible to self-represent. I did it a bit and wish I'd done it a lot more when I saw my bills. The courts are patient with people representing themselves and you won't lose out by not knowing the procedure.

But one step at a time - I think your concerns are legitimate and a good basis to refuse additional contact, so that's a start, and also have a conversation with SS about the bed-sharing issue, so it's on their radar.