Not 100% sure where this should be...

[SilentBob]

...and not 100% sure I should be 'sharing' but I am 100% sure I have just realised, at the ripe old age of 37, that the things I shared with a close family member when I was little weren't as 'normal' as I previously let myself believe. On paper, the actions would without doubt be deemed as sexual abuse. That took a lot for me to type. Please read on.

I believed what we did was normal- anyone who asks I say I had a fabulous childhood, loved my siblings etc...because I thought I did. No, because I actually did. I hate the fact that I am now wondering if that was misplaced. The 'thing' that I have now found myself questioning started probably when I was about 7. It never occurred to me that other people didn't do what I was doing at that age and I obviously never asked.

I am now believing that these actions have affected me in my own, grown up relationships but I am being completely open and naive when I say that i have only come to this conclusion within the last 2 days. Yep, 37 years of age and I literally walked to the fridge less than 48 hours ago and it hit me- something was different. I neither know how or why, I just know it did. And it has fucking floored me.

I guess I am now asking how the fuck I deal with my realisation? What do I do with this? I'd obviously like to pretend all was well but I can't, I truly can't.

That is a huge thing to realise. I honestly don't know how you can deal with it, but there are people out there who can talk to you and help you make your way through it. The link below goes to a page where they have a helpline. When you feel ready, ring them and ask the same question. Take good care of yourself tonight, it sounds like you're quite shocked at what you've remembered. www.rapecrisis.org.uk/childsexualabuse2.php

So sorry to hear about this. I imagine your GP might be able to refer you for some counselling or the link above may help.
That must be a horrible realisation.
If it's any comfort, I'm the same age as you and just last night I was wondering if I've repressed some memories which are probably of a similar sort to yours. I don't even know if anything happened, I just know it would explain quite a few things.
I hope you get the help you need.

Do see the gp and ask for counselling asap. Don't struggle alone with this. I don't know if Rape Crisis could help, perhaps - there must be organisations for survivors of abuse. It would really help you to talk to someone who isn't going to be shocked or surprised.

You could contact NAPAC - The National Association for People Abused in Childhood. They deal with this type of issue all the time.

(Support Line) 0800 085 3330

Thank you so so much for your words and advice. I'm still stuck in the 'what do I do with this' limbo- I neither want to confront the person involved nor tell others, but at the same time I just can't comprehend how I have just figured this out and how I go about getting past it. The links provided will definitely answer some of my questions I'm sure.

Marlboro, I am so sorry to hear that you may be in the same situation. If it's of any help, I too felt I was suppressing things for years and racked my brains as to what it may be- but I never, ever put 2 and 2 together until 3 days ago- I was 'looking' in all the wrong places because I figured that to thing was mundane, run-of-the-mill and commonplace. Turns out it isn't.

I can't see my GP, but I am considering registering at a new one closer to me and will see if I can talk to them. In the meantime I will read links (have been at work so no chance to look until now) and decide what I need to do from here.

Thank you all again, you've all been more help than you know.

Thinking of you SilentBob.