How do I stop loving him?

[newtoday0000]

I split up with my husband 2 years ago after 13 years together. He turned from a loving young man into a heavy drinker with no sense of responsibility for our beautiful children. His main aim in life was to be liked by everyone and be seen as a man about town but I was left to pick up the pieces at home and felt so lonely. We split up as we both said we couldn't go on the way we were. I thought he would see the error of his ways and after a few months would realise what he had lost and beg to come back. But he didn't. Instead he got with the type of woman who in my head I envisaged he should really be with - leading the same lifestyle as him and I think she was already on the sidelines.

I was shellshocked and everything fell from under me. He was all I had known. The question I am asking is when will I stop feeling so desperate?. Ive read lots of advice on here about people feeling the same feelings as me but I'm a bit further down the line. It's over 18 months since I found out he had shacked up with that skank and at times I feel just as bad as when I first found out. Ill be ok and then I'll see them together near my home etc and ill be so bad for days I can hardly eat. Its often just simple things which trigger it. Someone said they had seen them out in the supermarket buying food and it so upsetting that we're here alone whilst she's there cooking his frigging tea! On certain days i sit thinking about her going with him to family parties and out with him on his birthday like i would be doing.

The thought of being like this another year down the line is unbearable and what im asking is how can I begin to get over it? Is it normal to still feel like this at my point? I know I'm much better off now than with him but my heart and my head have different ideas. I just need some practical advice please.

That's awful newtoday. Are you locked into a mindset that you're miserable while he's living the life and it's eating away at you? You know his life (their life) is one you know you don't want, you just need to keep telling yourself that.

It sounds quite bad if, even after this time you still become so affected that you can't eat. Would you consider talking to your GP?

I think it can be really hard to move on when you have constant reminders - how easy would it be to cut him out completely?

I think i do feel like that yes. I work long and unsocial hours and have not met anyone since. As well as having the chikdren for most of the time i think im in a rut. Well we have 2 children who he does see but not often and Id love to cut him out but she lives near me and he associates with people from around here. I really don't want to move as I have made something of our house. Completely changed it since he went and it's the children's home. I do think u need to see the gp but im scared of taking tablets as ive tried them before and the side effects were awful.

You make it happen by filling the void. Write down all the things you've secretly wanted to do, just for you. Write down things you're scared of doing on your own and one by one do them. Find a babysitter and then do things for you. I was scared of going to the cinema alone so I went and I survived and I loved it so now I never miss a film if I want to see it. Google art galleries, museums, theatres near you and see if things are on that you like. Be the one that organises things to do and invite friends to join you. Google MeetUp and see if there are things on there you'd enjoy. You have to go out there and grab life and make it happen. Before you know it you'll have a rich life and you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

What a terrible time you have had. But firstly please accept that this man was not compatible with your values or family life. On that basis you split up. The worst thing is that you seem to be left dealing with his children while he is off living it up. Have you tried to encourage regular weekly contact so that you can get yourself a break and maybe join online dating. There is a whole new future out there for you, an exciting one. Don't look back, look forward.

But you are not really in love with him anymore.
He changed. The man you loved, the life you wanted isn't there anymore.
Its grief really isn't it? You just want back the life you thought you two would have. But it doesn't exist anymore because he doesn't exist anymore.

Big hug - been in a similar situation and can relate to a lot of the feelings you describe, while that doesn't mean I know how you feel, I do know how hard it is.
Do you have friends and family around supporting you emotionally (or practically)?
You need to rectify the feeling of injustice. He is out there doing just what he wants while you feel hurt, let down and that the life you wanted is gone. You need to see it that a door has opened to go down a new road, a better road.
If you feel like friends aren't there for you (I found a lot disappeared around the time of divorce), try some online social meetups to build that social support network. Is there any way you can change your working hours or ensure you have a weekend evening free while DC are at their fathers or you can get a babysitter? Later maybe online dating will be right or just through going out you may meet someone else.
I never had the guts to do it and life was too busy and hard as it was but in hindsight I wish I had got myself out there and perhaps that I had found a new man. Of course, this is just me. You may not feel meeting someone new is right for you, but you do need to find ways to make life more exciting.

Google meet up for family friendly groups - if there isn't one start one...start getting out and about if necessary socialise with the kids...

Anti-depressants specifically SSRI types (like Prozac) can stop the emotional feelings of love by raising Serotonin in your brain and decreasing Dopamine.

If you really want to lose all feelings for your ex, I'd suggest seeing your GP and getting a prescription. Taken under a GP's supervision, ADs are a safe and easy way to fall out of love with someone. You literally will not care about him anymore.

Thank you so much for your replies. They sum up how I am feeling and I feel quite emotional as they are spot on. I just feel so angry. He's the one whos hard done to as its him who lost his home out of this! and the only time I have brought up his new woman he told me to move on, as he was doing. He doesn't see (or wont admit) that he is any way in the wrong. We have a plan in place for him seeing the children but he doesn't keep to it. Ive tried cutting him out when he lets them down but the children love their dad and like seeing him. God knows why. It was his birthday recently and they sat there waiting for him to come round to give him some gifts they had (like he said he would) only to hear nothing from him all weekend with no explanation. I do go out but am not myself and in another world sometimes, so yes, I think its time I got some medical advice. I sometimes feel like one else has ever gone through what I am or could possibly understand but it helps to know that there are others out there who have been through it and are now able to give advice to those in the same boat.

I could have written your post myself. I'm only 6 months in but other than that, your situation sounds identical to mine. It is hard and although I definitely do not want STBXH back, the thought of him with his new girlfriend really really hurts me. It is the thought that he has found someone else and is happy and responsibility free while I am sat at home dealing with the baby's sleepless nights and the preschooler's tantrums. Even more so because he was the one who caused this whole mess by making the marriage unworkable.

However, when I start to feel like this, I remind myself that my children won't be this small forever. That as they grow up, I will regain a bit of freedom and the chance to get back out there and socialise. And that actually, I wouldn't want to swap places with STBXH for the world. I will hopefully have the love and respect of our children as they get older and start to see things as they really are. Whereas he will have missed out on massive chunks of their childhood and they will probably start to realise for themselves what an absolute shit he is.

So let him and his girlfriend get on with their fucked up lifestyle of drinking themselves to death while you enjoy being with your beautiful children. Try to build up a social network to keep busy, maybe take a night class if you can get childcare, or arrange a night out with work colleagues or a day out with the kids and other people you know with children. Go to the GP for extra help and support and maybe give counselling a try as well as different antidepressants from last time. But above all, know that although the two of them seem happy, it is unlikely they will be because heavy drinkers are generally very unhappy people. Put two of them together and I bet it is a mess behind closed doors. But try to focus on yourself now rather than what they are doing. You and your children are what matters. He is just someone from your past who deserves to stay there.

Thank you attheendofmytether. I also wish you well. Its the rejection isn't it I think? If he turned round, said it was all a big mistake and that he wanted his family back, I wouldn't have him near the door! I just cannot fathom how another human being can act the way he has. But your words are very true and he will continue to slither away and turn his life into the big mess I always suspected he would do. Going away from it all on Sunday for a week. A change of scenery and here's to a fresh start when I get back.

newtoday0000: I know the feeling. I have been there and the pain of rejection is like nothing you've ever felt before. It will get easier with time- for now just focus on the children and yourself. Goodluck- Stay strong.

Yes, a lot of it is down to the rejection. That they can move onto someone else so quickly like we never mattered. But the sad truth is that we never did. Not compared to the alcohol. And that is why we got out. That is what I try to remind myself of every time I feel upset. That I was just a tool to enable his drinking. And now that I don't want to know, he has had to find someone else. He can't be on his own because he doesn't have the strength of character. He might think he loves the new one just like he once thought he loved me but it is a very messed up version of love and not one that I ever want to be a part of again. Whereas I am taking the time to rebuild my strength and will get to a point where I am content and happy. And maybe then i will meet someone who deserves me and treats me properly. Maybe not and that's fine too, but either way, bigger and better things are around the corner for both of us. We have done the hard part, the rewards will come. Onwards and upwards. And have a lovely holiday and a very unmumsnetty hug.

Thank you so much. And the part of not being able to be on their own rings so true. If not her it would be someone else. What a very weak man who will always be one of lifes victims unable to function without their crowd of hangers on. Here's to our new life x

It's so hard getting over a marriage lost if you felt deeply that it was a lifelong commitment and you feel like the other person didn't try enough when time were harder, maybe that they didn't love you enough. It leaves you feeling discarded. Like the person who was supposed to most see everything you were worth suddenly changed and did not see it any more.

I miss my husband very much. He left due to mental illness, but in the end I suppose chose to leave rather than stay and the reasons don't matter so much. It's that loss of what you thought was your forever.

I am a long way into it to and just started to cry in the car. I just missed him so much at that moment and wanted a hug. I still love him more than anyone in the world. Like your ex he seems to get on with his life a lot better than I do.

I suppose what you do is survive, get out of bed, do your best to try and be who you think is the best version of yourself and make decisions that are best for you, try and be active, social and enjoy life as much as possible.

And somewhere in there the healing comes very slowly. Parts of you heal in spurts and bursts and you move back and forth. Each realisation, each step forward comes in it's own time.

I try not to kick myself for how long my grief is taking me. I try and remind myself I grieve because I loved him and I miss him and I am not so ashamed of that.

Hi OP, 18 months is nothing in the grand scheme of things - they say that it takes five years to get over a major relationship and in my experience this has proven to be true.

You may feel that you are no further on but you will have made more progress than you realise.

The pain seems unbearable, but you are learning the most important lessons of life right now and you will come out of this a better, stronger, wiser and more compassionate person.

The pain WILL pass. Unfortunately it just takes time.

As far as is possible, cut him out of your life. If you must interact with him because of the DCs, try to keep communication brief and don't let him have the satisfaction of knowing how you feel.

Try to act happy (at least in his presence). Not to play games but because sometimes you have to force the body to act, then the mind follows. Scientists have conducted experiments to prove that this works.

Most of all, I echo what a PP said - do the things you love as often as possible. Go out and meet new people, new families and single mums. Join a single mums' group perhaps?

What helped me when I was going through this were the following thoughts - they are cliches but true:

There is a reason for everything; if you are supposed to be together, you will be at some point in the future. If not, it was not meant to be.

Just because you love someone, doesn't mean you have to be involved with them. Love is not a bandage to cover wounds. (Hugh Elliott)

God has a plan for your little life.

It will take time, OP, but one thing is certain: you WILL get over it.

x x x x