I'm so angry and resentful

[ballinacup]

I think I'm falling out of love with my husband.

We have two sons, the eldest is 2.7, the youngest is sixteen days. I pushed for us to have a child initially, but when DS1 was born I was hit with crippling PND and PTSD following a traumatic birth. It took me a good six months to start to improve and I didn't fully begin to enjoy him until he was 15mos.

I insisted throughout his babyhood that I categorically did not want any more children. DH would never comment on this. However, from DS1 turning 1yo he began to tell me how cruel it would be to deny DS1 a sibling, citing friends of his who were unhappy "lonely onlies".

Depression is a funny thing and, whilst I don't think it was DH's intention, I began to think I would be a shit mother if I didn't provide DS1 with a sibling.

I fell pregnant straight away and had a huge meltdown. I desperately wanted to abort but DH and DM talked me out of it. I then went into denial I think, believing the pregnancy would last forever which, obviously, it didn't.

I loathe and despise looking after a young baby. Every single day feels never ending. And I find I'm blaming DH for how I feel. He, after being understanding at the beginning of the pregnancy, now tells me just to get on with it. I spend every day wanting to pack a bag for DS1 and I and to just leave him to it.

I can't even go back to work early as I need to sit an exam in October to be able to work (results won't be back until December). I can't leave him as I couldn't cope as a single parent to both children and I do still want to be with him. At least I think I do.

How can I stop myself from hating him for what, in my eyes, he has inflicted on me and DS1?

You do realise that one day in the not too distant future you will think of your new baby in exactly the same way that you think of your older child, don't you?

I hope I don't upset you when I say this, but I really think you should see a doctor. You sound awfully like you have PND again. I had medication for PND and felt back to normal really quickly. I would have hated to prolong that period before I saw the doctor.

Please, please get an urgent GP appointment or see your HV. You sound very depressed and in need of urgent medical attention.

Things will get better. In the meantime ask for and accept all the help you can access including HomeStart, localSure Start services plus family and friends. If you had any other illness nobody would expect you to cope with a toddler and a newborn ( which is pretty all consuming when fighting fit)

Be kind and gentle with yourself, only do the basics and get help fast.

Btw I'm a midwife and I know these things. I'm sending you a gentle hug even if I do get expelled .

I can't accept that it's PND. I can't put poor DS1,through that again.

Please see a doctor.

Did you take medication before? Even if it didn't work before, they can try something different this time. Getting onto an urgent list for counselling is also so so important. PTSD is not something to sneeze at and regardless of how things end up in your marriage or your relationship with your child/ren, YOU need to be properly taken care of.

Don't worry about how you feel about the DH or the kids, worry about YOU and get care for YOU. once that is in place, you can start to address the other issues.

it is hard to judge the ins and outs of your situation, because you do sound extremely, perhaps dangerously depressed, and this is not the time for you to make decisions larger than what to have for breakfast.

i'm sending you all my love and I am SO sorry for the turmoil you are going through. i completely agree that baby-care is horribly depressing sometimes. i too only really, fully enjoyed my first at age 16-18 months.

I can't accept that it's PND. I can't put poor DS1,through that again.

i mean this gently, whether you accept it or not, DS1 is still going through this again and you MUST get help.

the alternative is that you continue to suffer, he continues to suffer, and your new baby grows up believing that he caused great unhappiness simply by being born.

if it's PND, that means your children can confidently believe that they are not what made you unhappy.

the idea that you have PND is the least damaging of all possibilities here. really. i know you don't see that now, but it is true.

please please please access the care you need.

The thing is, OP, that it's NORMAL to have PND. So many of us have had it. To try to deal with those complicated and awful feelings alone is too much for any of us to do.

Put the problem in the doctor's hands and let him/her do what's best now. Relinquishing control in that way is very liberating, I found.

As others have said............get professional help right now...top priority

It's ok to feel this way. 1 child is hard work let alone two. At the moment you aren't thinking straight because 1 you're tired and 2 your body is awash with hormones. These two things together can be a nightmare!

Is anyone helping you?