So, I really could use your help and advice. I know some will judge me for what I've done. But please hear my story.
I have been with DH now for nearly 20 years. We have two children. Both of us have extremely messed up childhoods. My DM is a schizophrenic and DH family broke up when he was 10 and the whole divorce was handled as badly as you could ever imagine.
So when we got together at 20 &19 we were both pretty fucked up. Despite that we fell in love and married 6 years later.
Around that time I discovered his growing porn 'issue'. This would blight us for 10 years. Periods of extremely heavy use, I find out, he stops on pain of us ending. And so on. 10 years worth. Sometimes he got counselling, sometimes we split up but I always took him back. He used when I was pregnant with both children.
I'm sure everyone here is aware how it can impact the spouse. I put on weight (eventually getting up to nearly 18 stone) refused sex, felt inadequate and unloved. Uncared for and un-nurtured . With every time I took him back, my self esteem diminished. He never apologised, never tried to empathise. I was deeply deeply unhappy. By the time I had the kids, I was trapped. Because I was a mother and because I had no self worth.
After I gave birth to my son 5 years ago, I found it again. I tried to commit suicide, I could not cope with the pain of living my life like that. With an uncaring husband who loved porn more than me. A few days later I told him that I was suicidal. His response was to go of to work. He didnt ring me to see how I was or get someone else to check on me. I called the Samaritans and they helped. He essentially abandoned me when I needed him the most. I then swore that if it happened again we would separate
Well, 3 years after that it did. (2012). From God knows where I found the strength and kicked him out. Happily, thus time he got proper sex addiction help. He improved and became a different person. But we discovered that he has a condition called 'Alexithymia' meaning that he struggles to understand and process emotions. He has this due to his DMs emotional abuse when he was a kid.
So, I knew then that while he could get better and it explained so much, I would not have my emotional needs met by him. I was prepared to give him a chance but all the while knowing that this was serious.
Fast forward 2 years to March and an amazing thing happens. I start to lose weight (now 14 stone, smallest in 15 years) my sex drive comes back. I get oodles of attention from men. I feel good, really alive and sexual. Deeply sexual. It's like I've been in a dream all these years.
So, shockingly,I realise that I no longer feel the same way about DH. I have asked for a separation. I need to feel whole again. And there is a man who I want to get to know better. I've not been physically unfaithful but it has got deep.
What do I do? How do I handle this? I feel guilty for what I'm about to do to the kids but I need to feel loved and desired by a man who knows and understands emotions. It may not be with this man.. But someone else perhaps in the future. I've sacrificed so much. I want to be happy.
Sorry it's long. Thanks for reading.