Dealing with DPs depression when I'm pregnant

[pebble82]

I'm 30 weeks pregnant and beginning to find everything just that little more difficult. I really need the support of my DP but unfortunately he suffers with depression and so doesn't notice my needs at all. At the best of times I find it so difficult understanding what he's going through. I do try as I know he can't help it but I really need him. Does anyone have any ideas of how to deal with depression or just some general moral support really. I feel very alone as I don't want to tell my friends/family in case they blame him for his behaviour in some way. I told a friend recently and she threatened to speak to him for me to tell him to pull himself together and man up to be a good father. That would just make everything worse.

Has he an official diagnosis of depression and is he getting treatment for it? Depression is an illness, and sufferers can't help having it, but it isn't anything shameful and there is no real reason why you can't tell family and friends what's going on and ask them for extra support.

However, it's sometimes the case that a person may claim to have 'depression' when it's really self-obsession, and an excuse to be used to get your own way all the time and never have to consider anyone else. If he is not getting any treatment, it's perfectly reasonable to put your foot down and insist he sees the GP. It's also reasonable to insist (if he is the one demanding secrecy) that you be able to talk to your family and friends, especially when the baby arrives. You will need to devote most of your attention to the new baby, and your DP will have to understand that his needs will be lower priority for you. So (if he's genuinely ill with depression) you'll want to make sure that you as a family are getting all the support that's available.

He's not been diagnosed but he won't see a GP. I've really tried! He just refuses to see his episodes as anything more than feeling a bit down but I can tell you from living with it that there has to be more to it.

I could write lots but the fact is you need to say its over unless you visit the GP. If not you are literally tasked with tolerating his depression and you already know you don't want to do that.

As someone who suffers from depression, I would say you tell him he either goes to the GP- with your support every step of the way and so on- or you leave. Tell him if he genuinely thinks he's fine, it will be fairly obvious to a GP he's fine. So why not prove he's okay? Which would work, unless he was like me, as I knew I wasn't fine but was very much burying my head in the sand. If he isn't getting any support, I would say it just wouldn't be workable or fair on you.

if he refuses to see a gp then you tell him it clearly isn't that bad and he has to step up.

if he sees a gp gets diagnosed takes the treatment you can support him.

tell your friends. you need them and will need them for you.

make it clear to him, either he gets diagnosed and gets help or he ships out you cannot deal with this and pregnancy and a newborn if he wont help himself.

march him to gp, and get him diagnosed. when baby is born you will need support from someone more than ever; if he cannot provide it you will need your friends/family.

having a newborn isn't going to improve his "depression" so he has barely ten weeks to get some kind of treatment going.
if he wont/refuses then you need to get someone else in who can support you and new-born - friend/family/paid nanny etc.

what can and does he actually do? does he go out to work? can he hoover or wash up or make dinner? what is it you specifically want him to be doing? and is it clear he literally cannot because he is too depressed (in which case he needs medical help) or making excuses?

No, no. You are going to hit crisis point here, and the main casualties are going to be you and your baby's welfare.

He needs to man up. Urgently. He's going to be a father - he is going to have responsibility for something which needs to come before himself. So he needs to man up and get to the doctor and get diagnosed so that he can get the help which will allow him to be there for you and for his child. Or - he needs to man up, admit that he is a lazy wallowing sod and isn't pulling his weight. Whichever is true.

What cannot happen is that you continue to shoulder his burdens as well as your own - and then have a baby to care for too. That can't work. You won't be able to do that. Of the two of you, once the baby is here it will be HIS job to help you, not the other way around.

If he can't do that, he needs to move out and find someone else to lean on. It seems harsh, but it's the only way your baby is going to have the first months of love and care that it needs.

He's not been diagnosed but he won't see a GP. I've really tried! He just refuses to see his episodes as anything more than feeling a bit down but I can tell you from living with it that there has to be more to it.

• then you need to tell him that his options are - go to the GP, leave, or watch you leave.

Your main priority right now is yourself and your baby.
Stop worrying about what family or friends will think if you confide in them.
You need love and support and he can't/won't provide that for you.
Are your family close?
Could you spend some time with your mum looking after you?
He needs a jolt so you need to leave him to wallow until he can admit that needs a GP and has made an appointment to actually see one.
You don't need this right now.
Stop making excuses for him.
He won't get help but you need help so you go out there and get it from your friends and family.

Get rid of the man. Chuck him out, or move out yourself. Depression my arse - he's a selfish, lazy waste of space who won't go to the GP because the GP will tell him to piss off and then he will have lost his excuse to lie on the sofa whining.

A lot of men become abusive (and being hopelessly selfish is abusive) when their partners are pregnant, or when the baby arrives. It's best to throw the man out sooner rather than later: concentrate on yourself and your baby and let him either vanish or sort himself out.

What, SGB - you can say he doesn't have an illness and make a medical diagnosis through the Internet? Really? How the fuck do you know if he's depressed or not?

He must go the GP, and you should go with him to make sure he tells it like it is and doesn't just downplay it. You need to go with him, make sure the GP is told some examples of how things are, and that he comes out with a plan and probably a prescription. I know it is easy to say he must go, but is there no way you can persuade him? You have to tell him that he has, presumably, chosen to be a father. While that doesn't mean he won't get ill, it does mean he recently chose to take something on which puts even more onus on him to take care of himself and be able to look after his family.

Perhaps he is making excuses, but I really don't know because you haven't described here what the symptoms of his problem are or what is able to do, and it needs a medical professional to assess him.

Fringe I read SGB's post as referring more to the fact that he refuses to go to the GP and seek help for his condition.

I've lived with my own anxiety and depression for most of my adult life. It's finally under control (mostly) nowadays. And going to the GP about it is the hardest thing. Because you just can't face doing it. But the point at which you simply cannot go to the drs is the point at which you absolutely must do.

What you cannot do is lie around at home doing nothing and making everyone else's life a misery.

You wouldn't break a leg, refuse to get it treated and then lie around for years refusing to do anything on the basis that you couldn't walk, would you? Of course not.

It is selfish to not seek treatment for an illness you have if that illness impacts on other people.

OP when I have needed to go to the GP I haven't been against it as your DH is, but have not felt up to going. Someone making the appointment for me and basically telling me, we're going in two hours, was what it took. I know it will be harder to persuade him, but don't think that if he does say he will go, he'll make the appointment. You'll probably have to do it or stand over him while he rings.

Hi Pebble, your message made me join up!

I have a very good friend who is in this position. The stress is taking a toll on her own health to be honest so the only thing I could suggest is that if she can't get her husband to the Dr maybe she should go for help herself.

It's such a hard situation at a time when you should be getting excited and she too feels unable to tell family and any other friends.

I want to support her as much as possible but have no idea what else to suggest.

There's no concrete link between depression and not noticing your needs.

Unless he goes to the doctor you don't know if he is actually depressed.
And if he's well enough not to go to the doctor about it, then he's well enough to help you.

It is interesting that he doesn't admit to being very depressed but not feeling up to going to the doctor about it. There are plenty of times people know they need help but struggle, because of their problems, to reach the help. From what you say OP he either is in denial of his problems, or won't admit them to you. Or, doesn't have them and is misleading you somewhere along the line.

The point is that he has to get help right now, if he can't recover on his own. You need to tell him that if these are just 'down' days that everyone has, he is capable of doing the things you need and you want them done. If he can't, then he isn't just in a bad mood and needs to go to the GP. No third option, baby will not wait for him to get it together. Tell him that although it will be hard, you not only want and need him to be better to support you and your baby- you want to support him in his treatment and recovery so he can feel better. You can't do that till he engages with recovery.

I want to know if you manage to get him to the GP, update us (where is the Mr Nosy emoticon?)!