Unable to move on after argument with friend over my parenting

[DoorsOfPerception]

This is my first post, so bear with me if I don't get the lingo right. And it is a long post.

I am seeking advice on how best to get over a friendship break up that occurred a few months ago. It is something that still bothers me daily, and has really knocked my confidence, both about my parenting and qualities as a friend.

I had been friends with the person since a Mum & Baby group, and routinely met up for coffee and play dates until the children were around 18 months old. I went back to work, so things naturally slowed down a bit, although we still met at least weekly. This person was my closest Mum friend, and we went through the highs and lows of being new Mum's, so she was very important to me.

One day we went to play at her house, and the children (then 3.5) got on well and played fine. Towards the end of the date my child got somewhat fractious, and told his friend that he didn't want to be best friends anymore. I didn't deal with the situation at the time as he (my son) was kicking off, and I felt it best to get him in the car. I'm pretty sure I apologised on his behalf as we left, and did one of those roll-your-eyes, 'kids!' looks. In the car I discussed it with my son, who said the other boy wasn't sharing and kept taking things off him. I told my son he couldn't be unkind as he might hurt his friends feelings, and if he did things like that he wouldn't get invited round. This turned out to be true. I got blanked via texts for a few weeks, which I didn't really realise until I thought about it later. I then invited them over by text, and was told that my failure to make my son apologise wasn't up to the standard of behaviour they were used to, we were no longer to play, my son had upset hers and hers had cried for days about it. I telephoned straight back as for me this was out of the blue, and was on the receiving end of a torrent of criticism about my parenting (or lack of it), that she had never seen me discipline my son, and that she didn't want her son to be around mine as my son doesn't talk to me properly. I was knocked for six, said I didn't agree as I consider myself rather strict with my son concerning manners and behaviour. I got somewhat defensive, I said that all kids go through phases, we all do things differently, and did throw back one hitting phase her kid had, which was out of order. She made some personal comments about me always making myself a victim (I suffer from anxiety/depression so yes, that can be true), I didn't have the monopoly on problems, etc.

I did meet up for coffee afterwards, at my suggestion, ending up apologising as I wanted to rebuild the friendship. I did get across how hurt I was about her comments. It was clear though that I was in the wrong due to my parenting style, and then she said her son had never really liked mine so it was best we met only without the kids. However, things have not picked up again and I'm definitely off the Xmas card list, e.g. Blatantly ignored on Facebook.

I spoke to pre-school about my son's manners etc., they had no issue and say he is kind and polite. My child minder was gobsmacked. So I think my son is in about the right place for a little boy of his age (at the time only 3.5). They do the "you're not my friend anymore" thing every two minutes, it is just kids being kids. If my son was rude or hit someone I would be on it like a rash, and I am aware that as with all kids he is not perfect. Nor am I.

I can't get past the argument, maybe she was just bored with me (I was very stressed at the time with work/life balance and a bereavement so was probably just moan all the time), maybe I was a drain.

So how do I move on and stop going through it all in my head? How do I build up my confidence, as it is all too easy to avoid making friends for fear of getting it wrong again? I've no interest now in rebuilding that friendship, just moving on from it.

Thanks, and sorry it was very long.

I think your going to have people pick apart your parenting style on here. But at the end of the day if she reacts this way over something so trivial then she's not a real friend and your better off without her.

She sounds bonkers. Your DS's behaviour is normal for his age. You did exactly what I would do - removed him from the situation.

It's not your fault, so don't tell yourself it's because you were boring/a drain etc. She sounds like the one with the problem, not you.

I think you have to make a clean break. She obviously has extremely high standards and if she judged you for this, she will be making all sorts of other judgements. It's a horrible situation but I do believe you will feel better in the long run if you no longer meet up/ Facebook etc. you won't be able to freely discuss your children without feeling always and being reminded of it and since this was the original basis of the friendship I would let it go. You'll make new friends who are kinder.

I think she's using the kid thing as an excuse as she didn't want to be the type of friend you may have wanted.

It's lucky you found that out before you became really good friends.

I hope you're in a better place emotionally now, it sounds like it's been really hard.

She's no friend if she behaves like this.
Please try not to give this anymore head space.
Cut her out. She's not worth it.

We ALL parent differently. There is not right or wrong way to do it.
Her way works for her, yours works for you.
She's nasty and judgy and certainly NOT a friend.

Ignore from now on. You don't need someone who knocks you down in your life. It's too short to put up with this shit!

It sounds to me like a 'last straw' situation, e.g. perhaps tension/resentment had been building for a while and the upset between the boys gave a reason to cut contact. I'm not sure if it is actually about your parenting in the context you give and the rather harsh things she said.

You mention in you post that you may have been stressed, anxious and moaning quite a bit, and that you have a tendency to make yourself the victim. This shows good self awareness (not something every one has!) but from experience of being in that role myself, being really conscious to 'edit' some of the really negative stuff is important in maintaining positive friendships. You friend may have found you draining and the 'support' all a bit one sided.

No reason to let it knock your confidence - she sounds like a bit of a cow tbh, and probably not a very positive influence in your life if she turned out to be so critical. With new friends I'd just be aware of over sharing on the negative stuff and making sure the support you offer to friends is mutual.

Poor you, wasting so much head space on this woman's crazy mutterings!

If enough people here tell you that it sounds like her with the problem not you, would you believe us?

Are you sure you've just not had a lucky escape?

Just accept it was her opinion but also accept that other mummies are sensitive about their children being on the recieving end of verbal or physical attacks. (I speak as one if these) and I do get frustrated when other children don't get a talking to from their parents, especially if its someone who we see regularly. It just annoys me. Although I understand you decided to talk to your son in the car, I just think that this was the straw that broke the camels back. Almost like she thought you were letting your son get away with rather alot of behaviour towards her son iyswim. It's worth reflecting on that.

I guess you just have to put this down to experience.

It's unlikely to be only this one day which led to her confronting your parenting. It's always a bad idea to insult a friends parenting decision. I would just distance and drop you but then you'd be wondering why. As my mother always says - nobody likes badly behaved children.

my best friends child was a nightmare and I hated my kids being around him. fortunately she moved away so I could ignore the issue. I would never have said, but I had distanced and made excuses re meet ups.

You know this lady. is she the type to overreact. is she normally fairly patient and caring.

Badly behaved? He's 3! OP says she's asked her DS's preschool and CM for their opinions and they've confirmed that his behaviour is fine. Just the fact that she's bothered to check with others shows she's a responsible parent.

My DS is a similar age and he and all his little friends behave the same way sometimes. Mostly they're well behaved kids but they are still young and sometimes lack social skills. That's normal.

It is perfectly acceptable and sensible to just remove your child from a situation when they're kicking off. I do it all the time, and so do all the other mums I know.

Maybe, as PP said, there's another issue behind it and the thing with her DS is just a pretext. Maybe she is just a bit of a cow. But the problem doesn't lie with OP's parenting by the sounds of it.

You park this friendship. It is not to be.

Realistically evaluate your own parenting. Do you let your son get away with too much (it doesn't sound like it from what you say).

Reflect on what led your friend to this point. Do you think she could have been annoyed at your for your negativety (I too am guilty of this)? If so, try and be more upbeat in your conversations with people.

Then... move on. Your friend's reaction was disproportinate and the way she reacted says more about her than you, even if there are things you can learn about your and your son's behaviour.

Don't let this hamper your efforts to make new friends. We all get things wrong sometimes but real friends either don't care or are constructive.

It's not you, it's her! Honestly OP, it sounds like you've done nothing wrong and she sounds like a bit of a bitch.

Chalk it down to experience, you're better off out of it. Friends don't try pull each other apart when they disagree and she is a cow for using your anxiety etc against you.

There are nice people out there to be friends with, don't let her bring you down and delete/block her in FB and life and move on.

She's a nutter, you are well rid, whatever her reasons are she doesn't want to be friends and you know what, think about it, do you really want to be friends with this kind of person, I bet not.

Stop allowing her opinion to cloud your judgement, you know better than anyone when it comes to your kids.

Thank you all for taking the time to think and reply on this.

I reviewed my discipline approach, recycled it numerous times since the row! My way is more to take my son to one side and have a quiet word if he steps out of line. It seems to suit us, also can think of several times I have done so and made him go and say sorry by himself. I wouldn't let rudeness or not doing as asked go. I can see that this can seem to be weak by some, but also I do think that some public displays of discipline are more to show other Mum's you're on the case. He isn't a badly behaved child, is actually rather quiet and reserved, although they all have their moments. I don't want it to come across that he's always naughty and I don't deal.

The lady in question does routinely fallen out with good friends, whereas this was my first argument with a friend since school. I think a fallout may have been inevitable. We had different views on discipline, and some things she let go I wouldn't accept, and vice versa (although I didn't share my opinions).

Just writing my first post has laid a lot to rest in my mind. The measured responses from you all helps to see both sides and give it perspective.

Thank you again.