How can I overcome my anger with everyone?

[LapsedTwentysomething]

My mum is ill, probably terminally, and it's bringing out the worst in me. I can't be strong for her. I'm short with the DCs and DH. I can't stop myself from being bloody irate with everyone.

We have been excluded from the wider family over a situation I've posted about previously involving a snappy dog and an unwillingness to control it and dogs in general around young children. It makes me RAGE that this has precluded me from any support from my mum's sisters and my gran, and that they've been perfectly ok with that.

My DH gets it in the neck all the time because I'm having to go back FT with all this going on, because he hasn't made any effort over the last five years, as agreed, to improve his paltry salary, so now I have to be the breadwinner again. I know it's unreasonable of me to expect to stay PT when we can't afford to but I can't get past it. I'm generally indirectly grumpy but it stems from this.

My DCousin is going through the most awful divorce because of the infidelity of her supposedly upstanding-professional-pillar-of-society arsehole of a husband and I'm furious with him and the slapper of a woman who entrapped him with a pregnancy at the expense of my cousin's children (though actually he'd have got away with it otherwise).

Ridiculous things rile me too. I'm angry with a local independent shop for clearly aligning itself with the wealthy, private school parents with it's promotions of certain stock on its FB page. I know - ridiculous - but it made me cross enough to point it out to them in a message!

And don't get me started on having been awake for tha last three hours with an insomniac toddler - a common occurrence. How the fuck to a manage working FT on no sleep?!

I'm aware that I'm wrong, wrong, wrong, but how can I stop myself being so fucking angry at life?

(And yes, I'm also well aware that this is all very much a first world problem).

Its not a 'first world' problem! I'd be bloody angry, too. Families should pull together and support each other at times like this but your response to your instinctive mum's illness is being messed up by family crap.

It sounds like your frustration is spilling out into other areas.

Your issue with your partner is a long-standing one by the sound of it. Maybe you could talk to him about how he can support you in other ways?

You don't sound wrong. Just mightily pissed off. And quite rightly so in lots of what you describe.

The most important part is your mother and you.

I've not read your other thread. I don't really understand but you are able to see and be with her?

Please look for support on MN at least if you feel alone in RL.

Yes I see my DM because we moved to be closer last year. I don't see the extended family because we're not welcome. I don't think they realise that's what they've achieved because we don't seem to figure in their thinking, but I'm really upset about it. I won't be able to see DM as much as I'd like when she becomes less able to look after herself though (advanced cancer with bone mets) because I'll be working FT and have the DCs to care for too. I'm pretty devastated by that but have no choice.

DH and I discuss this regularly. He very sensibly said a few days ago that while he needs to do more to secure our future, I need to be more in the present. This is true but he has said many times over the years that he'll look for a new job but he never does.

I'm a bit friendless to be honest. No one asks after us and I don' like to spring things on people unasked iyswim. No wonder as I have such a massive chip on my shoulder but it doesn't help.

Why can't your husband take the DC's and let you go and see your mother sometimes? Either in the evenings or at the weekends if he works full time? Or see if he can get compassionate leave from work an odd half day here and there so you can go and spend time with her?

I can't understand why you would have to be the one to be taking care of the dc's 24/7, when your husband is still in the picture.

He does pull his weight wrt the DCs. They are impossible to put to bed with just one of us though. We created the fabled rod for our own back in that they each like a story, milk and snuggle to sleep. Fine with two of us here but almost impossible to juggle with both of then because DS in particular is very hard to settle. I would consider dropping his daytime nap but he's not yet even two and I doubt his nursery would keep him awake for us either.

Re compassionate leave I don't think I'll be entitled to much myself so it would be pointless DH taking any, if he's able to, if I can't benefit from it. I'm not sure how it works really. I will be new in my job do I'm under the impression that I need to be in post for 26 weeks before any entitlement at all.

DS is also a very poor sleeper at night. He woke me for a while from 3am ish and I was unable to sleep after, just feeling so pent up.

Poor you

Sort out the kids bedtime, go cold turkey if needed but from now on only one person does bedtime. It will feel up time for you and dh.
From tonight they get one person between them, it might be hard but it will be worth it.

I can see why you are angry, so much of this is outside your control and that is why you are sending messages about things you want to control.

Is there any way you can meet people? Kids groups etc?

Anger is an extremely tough emotion. Its incredibly exhausting and it can feel hard to keep it contained, so it does tend to spill out to unrelated situations. I have tons of anger myself so I sympathise.

I am no expert and still very much finding my way through it but I find what helps me is to acknowledge the anger when it comes up - I actually say to myself 'ok I'm feeling angry now' and then I try to think of what exactly I'm angry about - its not always the thing that has triggered your anger. And please allow yourself ti be angry - we get so many messages especially as women that anger is something we are not allowed to have but its a normal emotion like any other. Trying to shove a lid on it will just make you feel guilty and ashamed and even more angry!

I'm so sorry for everything you're dealing with right now.

Well thank you. I expected a flaming tbh.

Just discussing the bedtime thing with DD. This will be tough!

How did you get on OP? I just read this and didn't want to read and run.

It'll be tough, but you'll get all the toughness out of the way. Otherwise, you're going to have endless toughness whenever you're both having to do bedtime and one of you could be doing something else, or when there is only one of you.

It's for the greater good. Stick to it, and get rid of one rod, at least. I hope it's going well!

I don't blame you for being angry. You have a lot to be angry about. And it is a natural reaction to be angry with the cancer, angry with what you mum has to go through, angry with the waste it causes. ANd that's before you start on all the rest of the crap going on.

Also, and I say this not to upset you, do you think on some level you're also possibly subconsiously angry with your mother for getting so ill that you may lose her? It's not rational of course, it isn't her fault but its a human reaction particularly with our parents to feel at some level deep inside they should be indestructible and them not being is somehow failing you? If you are, perhaps at least acknowledging your feelings just to yourself might help?

On a practical basis, can you look at ways of letting the anger out in a safe way? Does exercise help you? Something like boxercise can be really helpful - let those pads take the heat out. Screaming into a pillow, smashing (old cheap) things up in a safe way? An acquaintance of mine who was bereaved who felt immense anger went and bought a load of cheap plates from a jumble sale and would have have sessions where they would fling them at a wall and jump on the bits until they were thoroughly smashed, they found that helped.

Just to add, the stuff about minor things riling you and doing things about it. My FIL died a couple of years ago after a long illness and I remember DH had several occasions where he massively overreacted to a couple of cock ups by suppliers. So for example we were staying at a hotel, there was a problem with a booking, we didnt get the room hed been promised and they were trying to charge us more. It was a cock up and wasnt handled well. But instead of just sorting it as he would normally have done, he got really cross, demanded to see the manager, made a bit of a scene, demanded this that and the other, started drafting what he was going to put on trip advisor. It was rather embarrassing. In the moment he believed he was really angry about the hotel cock up, but I could see he wasnt, really he was angry his Dad was going to die. He couldn't "be" angry with his Dad, but he could vent it here.