I feel like I've lost any common sense...

[RonneandFrankie]

Sorry this is so long. It's been building for a little while.

I've been lurking for a little bit and have hesitated to put this here - I feel I already know what most feedback will be (which should probably help me get a clue already!)

I've been with my partner for about 1.5yrs. I'm 24, he's 35. He was my manager about 5-6 years ago. He has a 4yr old with a fairly petty and nasty ex partner.
I moved in with him as a roommate when my lease ended and we pretty much fell into dating. It was fantastic at the start. I was totally astonished at how well we got along, and how great we were as a team. His family said it was the happiest they'd seen him in 10 years.

Full disclosure - he smoked a lot of weed. He has smoked it since he was 18, and when he was with the ex, sounded like it was daily. When we started hanging out, his use drastically reduced. I kept my mouth shut about it for a while, because his use was reducing so much. In the end, we had a big discussion about it, he quit and he ended up on anti-depressants for a while. This was for about 3 months. He said things like he realised he had missed out on 15 years of his life being high, he didn't want to be the old, out of breath dad, etc.

I thought both the weed and antidepressants were covering any issues rather than dealing with them (his GP was super slack - saw him for 5 minutes and just gave him a script - no suggestions for counselling or therapy or anything, just kept upping the dose and renewing the script.)
That's not super relevant - basically he said he was quitting and trying to be more constructive than getting high all the time. After the 3 months, he stopped taking the anti-depressants and started smoking weed again, but trying to hide it and be sneaky about it this time. I'm not a frigging idiot, it's pretty obvious when someone has been smoking.

Many fights about this, him promising to never bring it in the house again, only smoke it when he was chilling with mates. This wavered a little bit and I figured I could cope with him just hanging out with mates every now and again. This turned into him visiting his mate 3x a week. Then one night he turns on his puppy dog face and says he's going to go outside and have a joint. Cue more fighting, him saying to his friends that "She knew I smoked weed when she got with me, now she's mad I'm smoking weed" without mentioning the (I thought) totally heartfelt and genuine promises to never bring it into a house we shared. Cue me feeling extremely betrayed and lied to - like I had to compromise about it, but he couldn't even stick to his one promise, and his response being "Well I just won't tell you if you're going to react badly about it."

That is probably our main issue. I feel it's his complete inability to compromise, even though he says he loves me etc etc. Actions louder than words, all that kind of jazz. He says things like he wants to be accepted for who he is, not an ideal of who he could be. I tried to point out that a) he said he wanted to quit (numerous times) and asked for my help, and that b) me not liking him smoking weed...it's the behaviour, not him as a person I don't like.
But it really is starting to grind on me - it has to be his way or the highway.

And just to add fuel. One night when we had a fight, his sister got on FB and absolutely blasted me. Telling me to stop being a little Hitler, I'm only 24, what would I know, and I need to start being a "proper" mother to his son, or I should f* off. Thrown in with things like, it's a good thing you don't have kids of your own because of how shit you are, you're a terrible person, etc etc. Really nasty, hurtful stuff that was completely unnecessary and none of her business. DPs reaction to this caused more fights/issues and I've been left feeling really insecure about it all - where did she get those ideas? Is it something DP has said? Am I really that bad for him?

Basically since then it's been extremes. I think I theoretically know I need to get myself out of here quick smart, but it is really hard to even think that. When I'm away from DP I can think about it properly and realise that for all I'm a relatively intelligent person, right now I'm being an idiot, and lack all frigging common sense. But when we spend time together, it's great. Plus, I can't afford to live by myself and I have a dog. It is going to be really hard to even find somewhere, which is really making me put off this decision.

In my head I can list all the cons - I want kids eventually, and I don't really like his parenting style, plus I refuse to have kids with someone who does drugs. He refuses to compromise or keep his promises even if he knows it's hurtful to me. His way or the highway.
But the pros keep popping up and they're more feelings than points. I love how we are when we're hanging out together (and not fighting) and we do make a great team. I love him to pieces, even if some days I want to jab him in the throat (I never would, I don't agree with violence at all, sometimes I just want to make his voice stop). But I feel like I've put way more into it than he has and it's really draining. And daunting. His son, the ex, the weed. When it's all together, it's too much I think.

superstar Yup. I don't want to sound all judgy to anyone out there, but I have no idea how someone could do drugs while they had children. Like, get high and drive your kid somewhere. How can someone do that?!

If you won't give it up for your child, I doubt there's anything on the planet that could convince you to stop.

^ Maybe I just need to repeat this to myself if I find myself wobbling

weed, poisonous sisters, been there done that...
he has to lose the friends and want to change... its the only way..

For what it is worth you are only 24, fgs walk away, chalk it up to experience, it is NEVER going to change while he DOES not want to...
And the child has a mother, you do not need to be his mum...
Typical, rather than blaming her brother you are the world's worst, been there done that too!

hope you sort it out

have you got 18 years of this in you? thats how long it took foe him to stop in my experience....

You sound very sensible and attractive, while he sounds like a drug sozzled loser.

Please take the next step.

Your only 23! Why take on this much of a stress and burden when you have the choice not to. You acknowledge that you need to leave, so staying is choosing to put up with this. Before you know it another 10 years would have gone by and you would be exactly where you are right now only emotionally wrecked, you deserve more so make a wise decision and leave.

Quite frankly, if you know he's high and he goes to drive a car, you should be calling the police. Doubly so if the irresponsible wanker has his child with him.

He could kill someone. Selfish bastard.

Ronnie you deserve SO much better than this. You're young and you have loads of exciting times ahead of you - don't waste them on this loser. You will look back and think phew that was a lucky escape, I KNOW you will.

Thanks for your replies. I seriously find myself changing my mind every day. It's like I KNOW I need to gtfo, but I haven't properly accepted it, if that makes sense? I can look at it and say, yeah, cons outweigh the pros, you're better off gone. And then in the day to day stuff, in the back of my mind, I'm like "Oh this isn't so bad, as long as the weed doesn't come into the house and it's only every once in a while at a mate's place" or something stupid like that.

Or when I'm looking for places to stay and can't find anything that will accept a dog, especially in sharehouses. Then I start thinking that maybe we should just resign the lease for 6 months and it'll be like a probationary period, and I'll also have more time to get options sorted. Then I realise I'm simply making excuses because it feels easier to stay here than to get up and go. And I'm sufficiently disgusted with myself.

I'm coming back to re-read all these replies when I need to get my head on properly. Thank you all.

Run! I spent all of 20s & half of 30s with a dope smoker. I convinced myself I was ok with it even when he set fire to kitchen and was smoking daily. We had ds and the final straw was when ds was crawling and I found ground up skunk on living room floor - something finally snapped.
He doesn't sound like he's going to change, shouting at him is a total waste of life. It's like you are shouting at a rock for not being a cake.
You could be dating my ex actually :) no doubt he would blame all his dope smoking on me!
You are 24 so young, stop wasting time with this guy, go find someone lovely xxx

This man is a Loser. He will still be a Loser 10, 20 years from now. Don't saddle yourself with this inadequate person, you can do a hell of a lot better than this.

Thanks for your replies!

Right now my biggest thing is trying to find a place. Our lease ends very soon and there just isn't anything around that will take a large dog. If I earned more, I could just get a house by myself with my dog, but as a student working casually that just isn't likely. There was one run down, awful looking "cottage" that was a stretch for me financially, but it was in a shitty nearby suburb and even in the photos the house looked like it would fall down in a strong wind.
If I wasn't studying I could work more hours and probably pull it off, but putting off my studies to get this sorted kind of seems pointless. Getting one part of my life sorted to damage the other part and put myself in a position where I might not be able to afford to go back to uni.

The 6 month "probation" is seeming more and more like an option. Although I'll basically be in the same frigging boat in 6 months time. Maybe I will have sufficiently detached by then to make it easier to pack up and go, and the hardest part will be financial for me, rather than guilt.
Ugh. I'm really awful and this breaking up thing :/ Even just thinking about it, I start to feel super guilty about hurting his feelings or wasting his time, or how he will be if I leave (which will not be awesome, and I will worry a lot.)

I'm sorry it's been tough, but keep looking! You know you don't want to stay with him sleepwalking through another 8 months...

6

Delphine and Message how did you feel about the weed the whole time? Was it the daily/constant use that was the problem? I find it tricky because it seems like a crutch that isn't healthy.
I struggle with the constant use. I could understand once a month at a mate's place or whatever, similar to a night out drinking. It's the fact that it's always an option or constantly around. Like his mate who he sees basically gets high every night after work. He's mid 30s and just works, comes home, gets high, plays computer games, by the sounds of it. And honestly, that's probably what DP would be doing if he were single too :/

The weed is the biggest thing for me at the moment. The fact that I don't feel like I can trust what he says about it because he's lied before. I've told him this and he didn't seem to understand how important or big it was for me. He asked when I would trust him about it, or when I would believe him again, but I couldn't put a time limit on that. He said all he could do was show that he meant it then (with not bringing it into the house etc.) I understand what he's saying there, actions louder than words etc, and I feel bad for doubting him, and he gets mad that I bring it up and "throw it in his face" every time we have an argument.

Normally the actions would be what I would be going for - wanting proof he's actually doing it rather than just bs-ing about it. And so far he has. I think maybe because I still have that niggling doubt at the back of my mind, it makes me feel unsteady, like I'm always waiting for it to happen? But then when he gets stressed about something his shitty ex does, he goes round to his mate's place.
And that is what gets me. To me this isn't a recreational thing like having a few beers with your mates and watching the footy. To me, it's a coping mechanism. And if he has a really stressful time, who knows what will happen? And I want kids eventually - kids can be frigging stressful. I don't want to be in a situation where shit gets too much and his response is to go and get high.

Thanks Goats.
On the surface it actually is really good. Like last night we went out to dinner. We chatted about his mate who is having problems with his wife, work, politics, all kinds of stuff. As long as I don't bring up weed, it sails along smoothly, for the most part. That makes me feel like it's just me being a dick that's causing so many problems.

No :( that means he's training you not to question something that makes you unhappy. If you question it, you will be punished. So you don't question it, and then everything's fine. Except for the fact that you are not happy with his drug use and are not allowed to mention it.

It will be harder in 6 months. You will be trained more. He will slowly increase his use, it'll start as "don't have a go at me if I smoke outside or I will be angry", then it will be "I'll only smoke inside in the kitchen with the door open once a week, and if you mention it I will be angry as it's no different to smoking outside", bit by bit it will be back to the way it was. But this time you will have learned not to object.

We all have fundamental things we can't compromise about who we are and what we see as right and wrong. Don't try to change who you are for someone who doesn't care about hurting you.

Don't pretend he's not doing this on purpose.

Can I ask out of interest what it is you find so offensive about his smoking weed? Is it his behaviour when he's stoned or just the idea/principle you object to? I only ask because many people do use weed in a purely recreational way, it doesn't have to be an issue. Myself and many of my friends smoke weed, we are mostly all educated professionals and parents and are perfectly capable of holding down challenging jobs, looking after our children and functioning as we need to alongside our smoking habits. And actually, weed smoked/vaped on it's own as I use it is not harmful, not is it 'addictive' in the true sense. Most pot heads are actually addicted to the tobacco they use to skin up. It doesn't cure cancer of course, that's bollocks (although there is some evidence it can slow the spread) but it is natural and has many health benefits, it's a muscle relaxant, antioxidant and neuroprotectant. I find it works wonders for my PMT! You are perfectly entitled not to like it though of course, I just thought I would provide a bit of an alternative balanced viewpoint to the 'weeds a drug and drugs are bad mmmkay' line that seems to be the majority on mn!

I'm not saying you're wrong at all, just that the weed seems to be the focus of your problems with this guy, when it seems like the relationship has bigger problems, namely his shitty attitude towards you and your fall out with his sister and the fact that you don't like his parenting style, although you haven't stated what it is you don't like about it. Basically it sounds as though you are incompatible in many ways and it's probably right that you split.

Thanks for your replies guys :)

Jacey thank you for putting that out there :) If he did use it purely recreationally, then it would be a different story. But he has a history of smoking it numerous times daily, for the last 15 or so years. His use is more dependence than recreational, iyswim.
If he's stressed or can't cope, he HAS to go get high. And I've had this conversation with him before - I think it's important to deal with the issues that he is just covering up by smoking weed (he did stop for 3 months, when he was taking ADs.) It's like he can't handle the real world if he doesn't have something else there.

He's actually lovely when he's stoned, which makes me feel worse about not liking it.
Although his use has slowed down a lot now, it's still to weed that he runs to when he's stressing out. Almost out of habit I think, he doesn't try anything else. I've dug up info on coping strategies for depression/anxiety, suggested a few counselling sessions to help with those strategies, even found places that do some online counselling if he didn't want to meet in person because he does find it difficult to talk to people about stuff. Telling him to let me know if he's stressed and feels like he wants to turn to weed, and we can do something together - chat it through, go for a walk, go for a drive and get a coffee, etc.

It leaves me feeling constantly on edge, because I feel there can't really be any stability. If stuff gets too stressful - money, kids, moving, work, whatever - then who knows how quickly his use will increase.
As FYou said above, it will go in increments. One day it'll be "I'm super stressed, give me a break, I'm just going to have this ONE here, jeez" and then next thing, it's every weeknight. And yeah, that's how it happened last time.
It's living with someone who has diagnosed MH issues and chooses to self-medicate with weed, and has a history of smoking an awful lot of it. While ignoring the issues that (I feel) need to be looked at and managed, or at least addressed.

Still looking for houses for just me and my dog, and for me, DP and dog. Lease ends soon, and finding any sort of place is tricky. We could stay here, but DP wants to move because it's the house he had with his ex. Of course, staying here wouldn't help me finding a place for me and my dog either.

We had such a good night earlier this week - DP had an atrocious day at work and came home furious/stressed. The mood he was in, normally he would have gone to his mate's place to get high. Instead we went and got coffee, he talked it out and we just hung out for a while then went back home. I felt like it was a massive step forward, and if he's willing, I'm more than happy to help out with moving away from the reliance on weed.

Then last night he gets home and absolutely fucking reeks of weed. And he only works like 2 minutes down the road. So he has either hung around after work and done it there, then driven home, or had a joint in the car on the way home. Either way, he went straight to the shower. His sense of smell is terrible, so he obviously wasn't aware that he'd just dragged the smell of it most of the way through the fucking house.
He'd planned for us to go to the movies too. We didn't end up going because the movie he had planned wasn't actually out yet. I was pissed that he'd knowingly got high when he had planned to spend the whole night with me. Instead we made dinner and he sat on the computer all night.

I felt that it was really pathetic. That's a pretty shitty work around to "Not in the house." Having it two minutes before you walk in the door isn't really my idea of keeping it out of the place.

Within two days a complete fucking turnaround. Why am I such a fucking idiot? I wish there were more places that accepted dogs around here.

He may well have had MH issues to start with but self medicating those with cannabis has not helped any and has likely caused him to be more lazy and paranoid. It does affect brain chemistry.

"I've dug up info on coping strategies for depression/anxiety, suggested a few counselling sessions to help with those strategies, even found places that do some online counselling if he didn't want to meet in person because he does find it difficult to talk to people about stuff. Telling him to let me know if he's stressed and feels like he wants to turn to weed, and we can do something together - chat it through, go for a walk, go for a drive and get a coffee, etc".

You need to stop doing that for him if you have not already done do.
That reads like enabling behaviour on your part; doing that as well only gives you a false sense of control. The only person who can help him here is him; its not you and you cannot love someone like this at all better.

Given his own crap family background and dire relationship history I do wonder why on earth you embarked on any sort of relationship with this man in the first place. You perhaps sleepwalked into this and you need to look at why you and he were a pair at all. Did a tiny part of you in the early days think that you could somehow love someone like this better?.

This is how life is with an addict; I sincerely hope you manage to break free of him and live life without him in it. There is and has never been any real future for you in this.

The more I look back, the more that I think yes, part of me did think that I could help him get better. That if weed was his coping strategy for stress and disliking his previous partner, what need would he have to smoke it constantly if we were doing well? I sound a bit up myself when I say that, even when I think it.

His son is here this weekend. We're talking on Monday. I'm going to spend the weekend working on what I want to say, as well as reminding myself of all the reasons I have to say these things. I get angry and upset and then back down during any discussions/arguments because I don't like saying things when I'm angry and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
But basically what I need to get across is something I mentioned before - I want kids, I refuse to have kids with someone who does drugs, especially someone who is so reliant on them. I have mentioned this to him before and his response was to say he doesn't "do drugs", he smokes weed. Weed isn't a drug, isn't man-made etc etc. I swear, people who are super into weed end up sounding like conspiracy theorists to me -.-

My plan is to basically remind him that drugs and kids don't mix in my opinion. He either very seriously agrees to cut out the reliance on weed (say once a month with friends or something recreationally might be different) or as far as I'm concerned, it's done. I am pooping myself a little when I think about houses, but I will keep using that as an excuse to say "but we do ok day to day" if I don't do something about it.

I have the same reasons as everyone else for getting into the relationship I guess. He's funny, thoughtful and kind, we get on well, we work well together. I guess the more I think about it, the more I realise that those things slip away at times. I really did just think that I was doing the right thing and trying to help.

I know it probably sounds like I'm being evasive and throwing out excuses. Writing it all down does help to get it straighter in my head.

Have you tried contacting Shelter? They give great advice.

What about being a lodger?

Some of my family members take in lodgers. They accept well behaved dogs, partly because if the dog turns out to not be well behaved they can chuck owner and dog out easily due to lodgers having zero rights. They've had several people stay with pets while looking for a proper rental, including a few middle-aged ladies escaping bad marriages.

Many of their lodgers find out about them through their church. I am deeply NOT religious and many of their lodgers are not but the church likes helping people.

You need to get out! Your resolve is wavering! Another 6 months! Holy God!

What about that close friend who wants you to leave? Would she let you crash on her sofa for a couple of weeks while you search for a proper place. It would be hard for her to say no in the circumstances

Btw what is the point of the "talk" you are going to have with dp? The only talk needed is "I am leaving because I do not have a future with you", said while holding bags a few seconds before walking out of the door forever.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

Talking to him will be a wasted effort. The definition of insanity here is trying the same thing over and over expecting a different result.

Nothing has changed really and you need to move out asap.

You can only help your own self here and you cannot save anyone who does not want to be rescued and or saved. Apart from anything else acting as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship never works.

His long term weed use has made him paranoid and given both his background and relationship history never a decent sort of man to have as a boyfriend either. He's already training you not to talk to him at all about his weed use. You moved in with this man who was formally your manager to boot when your own lease ended, that was never an ideal basis on which to start a relationship anyway. Why are you together at all?. You are not doing ok day to day, its denial on your part to assume otherwise.

If you want children he is a total non starter and being with this person at all stops you from finding someone new. Get away from this man and start rebuilding your own self worth because it would have taken a real battering at his hands. I would also suggest counselling for yourself in that you must never put yourself in such a poor position in a relationship ever again.