Harassment or just being friendly?

[ChameNanging]

I work with the most horribly passive-aggressive man ever. He has made passes at me before which, finding it very awkward, I have ignored in the hope that he’ll go away. He hasn’t, and persists. Not all of his contact with me is flirty but it’s just oppressively frequent – yesterday he had emailed me eight times (about nothing of importance) before 10.30am. I’d replied once, and he got angry about how I was ignoring him. I just don’t know how to deal with it. I can see how in the past being friendly may have given him the wrong idea (because I don’t think he has any young, single female friends and doesn’t know how to act around people) but I’ve never given him the impression that anything would happen between us that wasn’t work related. The office is very close-knit and he’s like part of the family; although I get on well with everyone I prefer to keep my personal life private.

I know he’s unhappy in his marriage and has had an affair with another girl who has since left, but really, I don’t care. He doesn’t have many friends outside of the office apparently but I have no interest in being his friend - I just want to be able to do my job without being made to feel guilty and awkward. It’s resulted in me working from home more than I want to just to get a break and not attending work events if he’s going. We have nothing in common and I don’t want to talk to him constantly when I’m busy doing work and to be honest I don’t want to talk to him about anything unrelated to work anyway. I know in practice he’s doing nothing wrong but having to throw away the daily notes he leaves on my desk and ignore emails every twenty minutes or so makes me feel really stressed. I know he, and the other people we work with, would just say he’s being friendly. What can I do?

He doesn't sound friendly at all. He sounds a compete pain in the neck, to put it politely. He's obstructing your work and making you change the pattern of your work. And yes, that is harassment.

It's time to have a word with your manager or HR officer. I would also write down times and events from here on.

But he is doing something wrong, he's sexually harassing you.
Do you have an HR dept?
You sound young op. He's absolutely taking advantage of your niceness and naivety. He knows someone older would tell him to F off .

Do you have a sympathetic boss that could have a word with him? sounds like it's getting in the way of your productivity at work - so it's a work issue essentially. I know it'd be awkward, but could be done sensitively by the right person. just a thought..x

He sounds vile.

Tell him to leave you alone except for clear professional communication or you will complain. And then complain.

And keep all the notes and emails.

Seconding the HR department. If you think that they'd try and wave it off as him being friendly then print off the emails, keep the notes and write down the frequency of all of this contact. Keep records for a few days, perhaps? Definitely point out the one where he gets angry at you for not replying.

He sounds very creepy.

The problem is that the HR department would ask me to sort it locally first, and he's friends with all our managers and has been for years. I know that if I complain to them they'd find it amusing and feel sorry for him like he's some kind of lovesick puppy (when he's a pathetic, married man in his mid-thirties with children).

I think I'd be told to stop being so sensitive and I think it'd open a can of worms. He's quite sly and also quite technologically aware (pretty sure he reads my emails, though I can't prove it) and I reckon if I complained he'd make life very hard for me...

I would tell HR anyway, in confidence, and explain that you're wary of raising it locally, and why.

Lovesick puppy or no, this is affecting your work. That's important. His contact with you is excessive, unreasonable, and inappropriate. It needs to be addressed.

It may be that others are well aware he's acting inappropriately, and it's likely that he's acted inappropriately towards others.

I know it's not easy though.

You are clearly articulate.

Thus you are I think able to articulate your dilemma very clearly to HR.

Keep a record of the conversation.

My understanding is that if you see it as harrassment, then it is harrassment. Regardless of how he intends it. And it is affecting your working life. You have given him some clues that his attention is unwanted and inappropriate and he is not getting the message. I would complain. HR have a duty to you to take it seriously. If you really do get no help from HR then organisation like DRC or ACAS may be able to offer advice too.
Good luck.

Record everything. Meticulous recording is your friend here. Is there anyone in HR you can have a quiet word with, off the record? speak to them about how to proceed? Off the record means that though they can't do anyting, at least they're aware there's a problem ... unofficially.

Just make damn sure it's not someone he's friendly with.

Once you've recorded everything for a month, I'd send him an email saying that you don't have time to answer all the mails, you're sorry. Be brisk with him from then on. Use the stonewalling technique: "im sorry you feel like that" if he gets angry. Getting angry when you turn down his flirting is a form of bullying.

If he does move onto more overt bullying, record that too. And take it formally to HR.

Again, I think that being brisk and practical will help you. Ask a friend to help you practice if you need to.

Absolutely worse case, consider looking for another job ... that's really last resort though. But if you do, make it known why. There's a very good chance this man has tried it on others too.

Are you in a union? If so, request a meeting with HR and take your rep.

Keep any notes he leaves on your desk and copies of any e-mails, get a diary and keep a record of his harassment. Speak to your HR department they should be able to help you, it's what they're there for. If they don't help contact ACAS and they will give you further advice.

It doesn't matter what his intention is or which managers are his friends, he has no right to harass you.

I was going to say exactly the same as MrsWones.

Without wishing to scare you, you should always record everything and report to the appropriate person.

I had the same problem with a guy I sat next to. He used to text me when I got home too, and every morning I would go straight I my manager and show her the messages.

It was awful and made me feel sick. Sitting next to him was horrendous.

Sorry that this is happening to you.

I think you have to be very clear about boundaries with him. You don't answer mail that is non-work related and you only answer mail when it suits you. Let him get annoyed about it as much as he likes, you remain calm and professional and tell him you have work to do. I'd probably give the work events a miss for a while, or if you can't, be polite but disinterested when he approaches you. If he makes a fuss, then you are calm and say you want to mingle with others from work and then move off.

He might think (in his mind at least) that you have given him encouragement. Now you have to make it clear that you are not interested in a friendship of any sort. So be calm, polite and move towards a crowd if he tries to get you alone.

I'd do that first before involving HR.

I've had a similar situation at my work, btw. What I wrote above is what worked for me.