Managing childcare without family around... ideas?

[BumpleLeeds]

Hello there. Need a bit of advice... After a heartfelt talk over the last few days, my partner has admitted that he's struggling to cope with the demands of having a child. Not that he's not happy with our DS (2 years old) as he says it's the best thing that has ever happened to him, but that we don't have any time for ourselves as a couple, or as individuals.

This conversation was brought about because I've been pushing for us to have another baby. I'm keen, he's really not. And now I know his reasons.

He's right (we've only been able to go out as a couple twice since DS was born), and before we consider having another one we need to sort out how to get the balance right. We don't live near family or friends who are able to help us with childcare, and my own mum passed away a couple of years before our DS arrived (she would have been the perfect grandma, and would have loved to help). All other family and friends are dotted around the country.

I'm sure that we're not the only ones in this situation and I wondered how other people coped... I've made other friends with children in the area, but they already have family who are around all the time to help them with babysitting. If no-one wants us to reciprocate with babysitting, it sort of feels like we'd be pushing DS onto them if we asked...

What do people think about using a childcare agency? Our DS goes to nursery 3 days a week and is a very confident little chap, but we're reluctant to leave him for a 'night out' with people who are strangers.

We're discussing the idea of moving closer to my DP's parents, but DP would have to give up his job to do so. After being made redundant and struggling to find a job afterwards he really doesn't want to give up his current job. There must be some other way...

Would any of the nursery staff be willing to babysit for the occasional evening? This was what we did and worked v well as we and dd knew them

If your ds goes to nursery, then ask the staff if they, or someone else there does babysitting. When ds was at nursery several of the staff did babysitting and it was great as he knew them

We use babysitters as we are in a semi-similar situation. I have no problem with it, nor does DH but it't totally up to you if its something you are comfortable with. It might be worth asking at nursery if any of the staff do babysitting, that way your DS will be with someone he knows. Also I'm in a circle - can be set up online and is freewww.mynightoff.com with some other mums and that makes it a lot easier as you aren't asking for favours, as it's a reciprocal thing.

If it's any consolation it gets a lot easier once they are older. Once they start school they'll make lots of friends and widen the social circle so there may be other parents who want to swap babysitting and or playdates and parties start to happen so you do get a more time to yourselves.

Also it could be worth encouraging your DP to take up a hobby and go out sometimes with friends or on his own, granted you will be busy with a toddler but that doesn't mean that some outside interests aren't healthy.

Oh, that's a great idea. I'll ask and see if that's a possibility!

Thanks rookiemater! I think that's part of the problem - DP has really put in the hours with our DS and has been the perfect dad. That's been great for me, but he's exhausted. Before DS arrived we did all our socializing together and his words recently were that he misses his buddy (me) when he goes out with friends on his own... I do encourage him to go out though. Will check out the mynightoff website too...

yes, we've used nursery staff, there seemed to be quite a number up for earning some extra cash.

Friends use sitters.co.uk, I've not done so myself but they've always been happy with them.

It's hard, isn't it? I do have some mum friends to do reciprocal babysitting with, but they are all having 2nd or 3rd babies so not available right now which is tricky!

I was in a similar position, decades ago now, and agree with the suggestion of nursery staff. We also joined a babysitting agency, and had a couple of sitters we regularly used to have from there - one was a paediatric nurse, one a nanny and the other a Mum in her fifties with older children herself. We 'clicked' with them, and the children liked them too, so it wasn't like leaving them with a stranger after a while. The only drawback of an agency is cost - in 1993 it was £150 a year to join, plus an hourly rate for the babysitter (which I can't remember now!).

Ha - logged on to suggest both of the above - nursery staff and/or a babysitting circle.

We were in the same situation as you, and they worked for us.

Best of luck.

Does your 2 year old sleep well? Until you get babysitters sorted, can you have nice evenings at home - take-aways, films, board games, massages, sex, whatever?

As for him not having time to himself as an individual - what would he like to do that he can't? It shouldn't be too difficult for him to have a child-free night once a week to start a new hobby/night class should it?

I looked on gumtree and found a young babysitter with a childcare qualification and it has worked out well.

I found my babysitter working at a local cafe! I went there very stressed with my two little ones (well, there were very little then!). The cafe was empty but bless her, she took them out into the garden to play so I could have my cup of tea in peace. Found out she's in uni and does babysitting on the side. She started babysitting for us and since then, she's like a part of the family. She's very cheap as she is still a student but I often pay her more or ask her to join us for family functions etc and bought her theatre tickets (she's a drama student). My point is to keep your eyes peeled for people like her. She is priceless to me, I trust her to have my kids overnight if need be and that's a big thing!

We asked at nursery and one of the staff did babysitting. Great ad they were qualified and first aid trained (not that they needed to be thankfully).

Also if you can afford it we used to go to Centerparcs for a weekend once or twice a year for a lovely break with the Dc but childcare available and we used thier babysitters at night too. Worked well for a lovely break.

It gets easier as they get a big older.

Nursery staff babysat for us and still do even though our children left nursery 2 years ago!

Find a babysitter

Also however try and go out more with your child in the evening. Sure avoid loud drunk bars at night, but if your dh and friends are having meal out then go and take 2 year old in pram. He can sleep in pram and will learn to sleep out in pram/ on sofa if done often enough

You could also just pop him in pjs and in pram at say 8pm and go for a walk to restaurant with dh and just get a bottle of wine outside atm in this weather. By the time you have walked there, and he's all snug he will be asleep, just hang blanket over to keep out light and noise if better.

We used to also pop ours in bike trailer ( x2 children year apart) and cycle in eve, they would all asleep and dh and I would have late picnic at 9 in summer alone etc

So find some childcare, but also work out how you can both get time alone or to socialise even with 2 year old with you.

Hello OP

Not much use i know but we just didn't go out.
If it was a birthday or Anniversary our neighbours would babysit, but we never had over night care.
If friends or family visited we always made sure they babysat for usone night so we could go out.
Apart from this we waited until they were old enough to be left on their own.
I wouldhave used an agency or nursery staff, but my dc didn't go to nursery and there was little if no agency near us at that time.
I can sympathise its difficult without a network of support, but sometimes you just have to suck it up as part of being a family with young dc.

morethanpotatoprints - I guess that's what we have been doing. I've been happy enough with just getting on with it, but OH clearly isn't anymore. I'm just trying to sort this out before it becomes too much of a problem ... if I can find other options hopefully OH will see that staying in every night isn't the only way for the foreseeable future... we need to find a better balance for us, and I want OH to enjoy this time in DS's life and not remember it as some kind of chore.

Artandco - I'd not thought about taking DS out with us. We've stuck to his bedtime routine since day 1 and it hadn't occurred to me that he might be okay to come out with us for an early evening drink/meal. Perhaps we've been a bit too precious with him...?

There are loads of good ideas on here already and think I'll definitely give the babysitting agency idea a go as well as ask at DS's nursery. Thanks everyone!!

Quite simply we didn't socialise unless it was with the children. All our friends were in the same predicament so it was mainly meals at each others houses, BBQs or child friendly pub chains. Occasionally we would babysit for each other but it is a big ask. We retained our own friendship groups so were able to go out as individuals. Its only now, 20 years later that we are getting a joint social life back on track