Should I stay or go?

[DadofHarry]

I have been in a relationship for just over a year and lived with my partner for just over 8 months. I relocated about 150 miles to be with her and I have to admit we moved very fast. I know no one here... but it felt right, we felt we were meant to be and that we could become a very happy couple and family.

We both have children, both boys, boy 8 years old. Her son is severely autistic, he can't speak and when his condition really affects him - he screams loudly, stamps his feet, has melt downs, hits himself and it is very distressing to see. However, I personally think he is lovely, I adore him and think he is a beautiful boy.

My son doesn't live with me, he stays every second weekend and is "normal". However, he is a bit spoiled (my fault, his mums fault), he can be challenging and his boundaries arent great. He's my boy though, I can see his beautiful side and I love him more than life itself.

My DP and I have argued many times about my sons behaviour and the way I do not discipline him properly. She has told me she hates him, can't understand why I let him get away with things and believes I need to be stricter. Examples of his behaviour - listening to personal calls when told not to, lying, not taking responsibility for his actions and basically acting a bit pretentious. I think if my DP told you, she would say I let him abuse her...

I am aware that I am a lenient parent and being a part time dad (I hate that..!) I do not get enough time to properly get to grips with any unwanted behaviour. When I see him I just want to love him, make him happy and I miss aspects of his behaviour others may frown on.

Anyway, I've tried to improve my parenting style - For about 4 months I kept him away from my home and spent just one on one time with him. We stayed in lovely place, really relaxing, lots of fresh air... but.. it really was a bad idea, I just kept making the same parenting mistakes... so.. I've now started parenting classes and I can identify with some things I fail to do... I actually feel really positive about this.

Right... because of the arguments I have been kicked out of the house on at least four occasions. Every argument is about how my son behaves. I listen, say I will trying to fix the problem, I try.. but mess up. However, these arguments are brutal. She drinks, gets angry and then they start. I have alot of personal stuff thrown at me and my personality and integrity is torn to shreds . I feel they can be abusive.

This weekend I was thrown out again - I wanted to take a day off with my son.. but ... this was frowned on. I honestly can't see the issue but it became another drinking session (not me!), followed by accusations, how much she hates my son, anger, screaming, utter madness. She then proceeded to post awful vile things about me on Facebook - how I lived and preyed on her, a vulnerable women, was a bankrupt (which I am), that I was despicable, the worst person... that is the polite version - it wasn't good.

I have spent the weekend living in hotels and started to look for own place. I took care of myself, when to the gym (I'm a gym bunny!), ran, took a lot of fresh air, spoken to my family etc. However, yesterday she phones and said she wanted me back and my things back in the house (I have thrown everything into the car).

My family believe I shouldn't go back.. but I despite everything feel something for her. I love her and she says she loves me.

I am very angry about the whole situation, about being thrown out again about the behaviour and the how it was all strewn across facebook...

I saw her yesterday we talked. She has shown a lot of remorse and regret. She wants to go to anger management, wants consoling, wants to be part of my parenting classes. Is very sorry about the facebook stuff. I have reluctantly moved back (last night) but.. I feel like this is no longer my home, my gut tells me to move on but my heart drags me back. I dont' want to see her hurt either.

Should I just forget this all.. or give her a chance? I have been kicked to many times, I feel so apprehensive..

Advice.. please... anyone?

I'll be blunt here - I think you moved in together far too quickly. You didn't know each other well enough, never mind taking time to get to know each other's DC. Now you've got to know each other better, it's proving hard to reconcile your differences.

IIWY, I'd live somewhere else. Keep in touch with her and her DS, see your DS as often as possible and work on your relationship with him as a priority. Don't rush things. Step back a little and take some time to see if this is a relationship that works for both of you.

If you want anyone on here to tell you to try and stay in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic then I don't think you're gonna have much luck.
The only amount of abuse that is acceptable in any relationship is NONE!
She is abusive in many ways and you should not be putting yourself and your son through this.
Why would you.
She's shown her true colours many times now and you keep going back for more.
It is hard to leave any abusive relationship.
She has you ground down, your self-esteem is at rock bottom and you don't know how to get away.
She hasn't cared one time bit when she's thrown you out.
Stop worrying about upsetting her. You've been so conditioned to making her happy, treading on egg shells to keep the peace, that you can't see straight.
What's anger management gonna solve? Nothing. She doesn't have anger issues. Does she shout and put down other people? Family, friends, her son? No she doesn't. It's HER not you!

Get away. It's not doing you any good and she will just drag you down further.
Listen to your family. They are absolutely right.
You should NOT stay.
Pack your things and get to your family for some love and support while you go through the separation.
There really is much much better out there. Stop putting up with this. She won't change. Really she won't!!!

To echo hellsbells, you're in a relationship with an abusive alcoholic who hates your son.

You need to get out for your own wellbeing as well as his.

You moved in vey fast and now you know what she's really like. Loving her is irrelevant, she will ruin your life and your son's.

I'm sure you're not as bad a parent as she makes out, it sounds like your son is simply the random target of her wrath. It's very difficult to make a difference to a child's behaviour when you're not with them all the time.
And it's very difficult to be a good parent in the midst of an absuive relationship.

Your family are right.

One thing is for sure, you can't live together, get your own place, have your peace and see what happens between you and her, if you want to be together you will be, you don't have to live under the same roof.

She has alcohol issues, you both have different parenting ideas, it won't work living as a family I can tell you that much.

Run a mile. This woman hated your son but you love her! No way would I tolerate that. Is she just jealous because her own son has a disability?

Don't go back. Don't do it. This will never end well, she sounds crazy!

Any partner who tells you they hate your child does not have your best interests at heart. End of.

From what you have said you are doing a good job of parenting your boy and are certainly putting a lot of effort into it, and have also been kind and tolerant towards her son. Frankly, even if you weren't doing that great a job, it would not justify her behaviour.

Her behaviour towards you is abusive and it also sounds very much as if she has a drink problem.

It's not clear to me what benefit you are getting out of this relationship and I can't see how you can resurrect this situation. Leave and put yours and your son's interests first. Stop worrying about what she thinks and wants.

Yeah.. such a shame I can see what you are saying. I don't know if her accepting she has issues, she never has before, is a step in the right direction, should be commended and given one chance.

My heart wants to accept she is trying to resolve her issues, stand by her and allow her to get the help she needs.. my head says different.

What issues though?
Is she going to AA?
Is she going to the GP to get some help with the abuse?

We know from being on here that even if a partner does get help for abuse, that it takes years to change their mindset.
It is also made plain that they need to do it on their own and should NOT be in a relationship.
And even then, for men anyway, it is on about 30% that change at all!

Yes it's to be comended (if she means it) but she has to address this on her own and get over all of this on her own!

I have no doubt she will revert back to type within the next 8 weeks.

I will talk to her about AA.. she only drinks when she is stressed or something is bothering her.

She will go to the GP to seek the help she need.

My DP has been through a whole load of issues...

Childhood her mother dumped her and her siblings at a home.. she then came back a few months later with a new man... told them their new name was.. whatever the man's surname was.. Her mother was abusive, beat her, dangled her by her legs over the side of building... held a knife to her throat..

She ran away from home, moved to London and met someone. She had children with him. He was abusive. Beat her. Subjected her to a horrific lifestyle.. guns.. criminal elements.. she left him.. took the kids.

She went through a few relationships, got married to her youngest's dad. He was abusive. Bit her ear, hurt her. He abused her two children. He cheated on her with a man. He left, she was on her own with three children. The youngest, 2 years old at the time, was diagnosed as severely autistic. He regressed from a normal healthy boy. He is now 8, can't speak, in nappies, screams, shouts, has melt downs...

Her eldest daughter was also a nightmare while growing up. Was in trouble at school, with the police and even hit her mum and kicked after knocking her down...

My DP has had an awful life... :(

How on earth can you 'love' someone who treats you like this (your story is familiar, weren't you here a few weeks ago ?)

By all means live separately and carry on 'dating' her if that is what you want but she sounds seriously hard work, yes I can appreciate she has had an awful life but she is carrying on the abuse by targetting you now.

Listen to what your family and friends are saying, move away, concentrate on your son.

Blimey sorry she is total mess.

Are you living a hero fantasy?? You want to 'save' her??

If I was your son's mother I would be furious that you would expose him to this woman over some fantasy.

Sorry to be skeptical but do you know everything about her past to be true?
In any case she is a verbally abusive alcoholic who hates your child - leave and never look back

Her life does sound like it's been really sad.

Don't let something similar happen to your son, though.

She sounds like a fantasist and an abusive, drunken bitch. Go back at your peril.