Problems with my mother

[LauraLJ]

Is anyonelse in this situation? Basically I have a 10 month old and a supportive husband but I am having significant problems with my mother which is wearing me out and I'm finding her more challenging than my little one!

I am finding her overly bearing and unpredictable. I appreciate the help she gives however she will often say how much she wants to help but when I then ask her she will get angry and state that she is too busy, so I don't ask her that often, but then she insists that she plays a roll in babysitting. That then leads to a non-stop humiliating remarks about how bad I am at parenting, my daughter is not in a routine, I let her fall asleep in my arms-she picks on at everything! I like to think I am an ok parent- I love my baby and tend to her needs as best as I can. I have been exhausted since she was born because even at 10 months she won't sleep through the night :( and getting her into a routine is a struggle but that is the only thing. Yet my mother swoops down on me and goes on and on, often bringing in other family members (my aunt, my dad, my sisters) into it. what she doesn't know is that I was diagnosed with PND and whilst it's improving I feel very anxious at times and her comments don't help. Could I tell her that... well she wouldn't take it well and it would make the situation a lot worse.

She also seems to take what I say completely in the wrong way - but perhaps I offend her? I certainly don't mean to. For example: she had put my daughter to sleep on her bed and when I came in I felt that she was too close to the floor and could fall. I then decided that (as she was asleep) to move her to her crib. My mother got offended for a) being worried that she might fall-as though I hadn't trusted her judgement and b) moving her. I certainly didn't mean it but she got furious and went on and on

Perhaps this is a normal mother to grandmother progression? Perhaps I'm being too sensitive and all mothers are like this? My worry is that she was very critical of me whilst growing up, saying I would never amount to much, showed me little affection, compared me to others and being generally displeased with me. I don't think she would be like that to my daughter but I can imagine her putting me down in front of her and destroying my confidence. Should I just suck it up? I want my daughter to have grandparents in her life, mine died when I was young.

I know there are always two sides to a story but I don't want to keep fighting with her, I want my daughter to grow up with her grandmother who is involved. At the same time I'm worn out by her. Is this normal? Am I being unreasonable?

Its not normal or healthy but its not uncommon. I have read lots of similar stories on here - grandmothers who can't respect boundaries and seem to be jealous that they are getting less attention than the baby, undermining mum and making her feel like a crap parent. Hardly helpful or supportive. She's your mum - she should be on your side and trying to help you.

You say she has always been like this with you. I have a very similar mother and it shreds your self esteem and is intensely hurtful. You haveba right to feel upset and angry with her. You definitely should not suck it up. Your feelungs matter and you have a right to expect to get something positive from all your relationships, including with your mother.

How would you feel about standing up to her - saying ' no its fine like this thanks' or 'I prefer to do it this way'?

Having grandparents is only a benefit if they are nice people. If your mother is making you miserable that will have a much bigger impact on your dc.

So sorry op.

She doesn't sound like a very nice person.

Your post sounds very apologetic - this behaviour is her fault, not yours.

I'd try to keep contact to a minimum and when she puts you down, ignore, ignore, ignore.

Fwiw her judgement WAS wrong when she decided to leave a 10 month old on a high bed, FFS.

I know of a baby who broke its collar bone from falling off a bed.

You sound lovely by the way.

I think it might be time for your dh to have a quiet word with her. He doesn't have to be confrontational, but a firm "dw hasn't been particularly well lately and she needs chance to relax and recuperate without added stress" would show your dm that the parenting team does not include her. He could then say "we would really appreciate help on/with ... and to keep things consistent for dd, we always make sure that....."

I was very lucky with my dps - they were great, but by being clear about how I did things with ds e.g. he always slept in his cot, not on a bed, nappy changes happened in the bathroom, I made it easier for them to genuinely be helpful, iyswim.

I think a lot of maternal grandmothers really struggle with the idea that their daughters are now mothers and find it hard to let their daughter 'get on with it.'
When she is not around do you feel confident in your parenting? Is your mum picking up on things that you (admitting to yourself) find difficult and want to change, you mention having a routine?
You mum doesn't sound like a very nice person - when you moved your DD away from edge of the bed so she couldn't fall, your mum's reaction made me feel that she was more bothered that you had undermined her rather than the safety of her DGD. You mention that you had PND, I would put money on it that your mother's behaviour contributed to it. You were right not to tell her about your PND, I believe she would have used that as a weapon against you.
You need to keep your mother at arms length. "Mother this is the way I am doing it, I am happy doing it this way, if I need your help/advice I will ask for it." Only tell her what she needs to know. Make yourself more unavailable. Be confident in your parenting. Anything that is concerning you speak to your HV, talk to friends who have had babies in the last 5yrs, come to mumsnet.

Tbh I reckon there is something in all of us who have had babies that leads us to thinking we know what's in store for every new mum and what works best for every baby.

If your mother's making you unhappy with unsolicited advice and criticism you need to practise a few rebuffs eg "You know what, that doesn't work for me". And build up to "Oh Mum give it a rest".

Are your in laws close enough to visit or is your DM revelling in being the nearest available grandparent?

You say she makes you feel outnumbered by dragging the rest of the family into it too. If they are present make a fuss of the other family members "Oh DD look who it is it's your lovely Grandad/Aunty (whoever) give them a cuddle" and disabuse your DM of the notion she's in charge or the only responsible adult in the room at any one time.

Years' ago I read about one grandma who kept up a monologue with her infant grandson "Silly mummy has forgotten X, oh poor baby did she not do Y properly", etc. "Help" is not undermining an inexperienced parent. We are all learning with our first.

I agree your DH could have a word but I think you should be the one to really let her know you are now a parent yourself and what you or DH say regarding DD goes.

Hi all

Thanks for your thoughts-it's very insightful and reassuring to see that it's not just me! I guess it is all balancing act, I see some of you have suggested that my husband speak to her- perhaps something to think about but in the mean time I think built on up an internal resistance to her words is the best way forward! My husband often tells me to just brush off what she says which sounds easy enough but it's something I do struggle with. As for the other in laws, they live further away and are of a certain age so my parents are the ones who are more suited to help. Plus my sisters live with them and there are more to baby sit when needed

Thanks again! :)

'My husband often tells me to just brush off what she says which sounds easy enough but it's something I do struggle with'

You have been undermined by your mother all your life. There is no switch you can flick that takes you from 'hurt and angry' to 'don't care any more'. Believe me lots of us wish there was! It's not that simple.

I agree with other posters - dont' share anything with her about your vulnerabilities, she may use them against you. Try your hardest to ignore any dramatics about how you make her feel undermined when all you are trying to do is make sure your baby is safe. I would suggest trying to limit contact with her but that's easier said than done and only you can decide how that would work for you. Good luck and keep posting - these are issues that don't get solved overnight.

My mum gave a lot of time when my dd was born, gives less now as she has other commitments. But this is actually a blessing in disguise. She wasn't as moody as yours sounds or as attention seeking but she did seem to think she was a 3rd parent. She would be quite affronted if she came round to find we had made a decision and hadn't told her/asked her/included her in the process. You would be guaranteed that at least 4/5 times that visit you would hear about said decision and how she didn't know. I used to get quite frustrated and say 'you couldn't possibly know until I told you about it and I have just told you so I don't understand why your still saying you didn't know!!' And she had no come back at all. She would undermine my parenting and seemed constantly offended that I did it my way and not her way.
Example: I breastfed DD til 18 months but I did the one breast per feed (as advised now). My mum was greatly offended and decided I was criticising her for doing 2 breasts a feed some 30 years earlier when that was the advice then. I still hear about this now. How my choice is clearly a criticism and how I feel that both me and my 3 siblings must have been under nourished and over fed....

I think that it depends on what role your mum had in her time as mum. Assuming she was a SAHM I think they find it very hard to let go and if we do things differently they take it a personal attack on how they did things.
My DH constantly said to me 'just let it wash over you, ignore what she's says' etc but it's not that easy.
I'm expecting a baby boy in 6 weeks and she has already started trying to tell me how to clean a penis and I can see that initial 'I know what I'm talking about and you don't' rising up in her.

I did reach a point when dd was about 7 months old and we were having weaning trouble and hospital trips and weight loss and all sorts of worries and horribleness and mum wasn't really helping cos she just kept insisting I do things her way and I didn't want to. I banned her from the house.
I literally snapped and said 'if you can't support me as a mother then don't bother coming round. Don't text, don't call, don't Facebook. Nothing. I didn't have a child so you could bring up another baby. It's my baby my rules'

We have had one or 2 altercations since but each time I just say in an offhand manner 'ok, I see you idea but ill parent my way I think as that's more natural to me' and the point is made.

Sorry your going through this, you sound exhausted. My dd didn't sleep through til she was 13/14 months so I understand. It's not easy. Didn't mean to hijack your thread by wanted to show you that your not alone. It takes guts to stand up to your mum as you feel awful and disrespectful but she is disrespecting you and bullying you.

Take heart. Distance yourselves. Become 'busy' whenever she wants to come round. Be firm and do not let her ruin your chance at motherhood