I don't know where to start on this. It might out me to a few people on here, but I really need some advice/hand holding as I am so sad.
My husband and I have been married for nearly 9 years, with DD and DS both under 6 years old. My husband has Aspergers. He has been formally diagnosed and also has depression and anxiety and is taking meds for that. We are in counselling with a man who specializes in couples counselling where one or more of the people has Aspergers.
Recently, DH has lost his dad after a long, torturous illness. A month later DH became sick with a mystery illness that the doctors can't understand. It's not rheumatology, it's nothing his GP can understand. He is on a low dose amitriptyline for the pain, and his family and I have noticed he is changed mentally on them. He has a neurology appointment tomorrow to see if it is that, but he was on a long queue with the NHS to get a neurology appointment as they didn't feel any urgency about his case, so he's going to a private appointment.
And then in the last week, my husband tells me he is no longer in love with me. And the reason he gives is that we don't have sex enough.
DH will maintain that there has never been enough sex for him throughout the entirety of our marriage (his ideal is the 'average' of 3 times a week, his words, not mine), but it has dwindled remarkably so, but only to about a couple of times a month, until he's gotten ill, which as been one time in two months.
Because of his Aspergers, he thinks he talk/shares/communicates with me, but he doesn't. He is often lying on the couch playing solitaire, one game after another for hours. Or he is upstairs in his study playing computer games, or reading. He also misreads what I say/do. If he suggests sex and I am up for it, I put down whatever I am doing and say, yeah, let's do it. We will do it and enjoy it, but later he still doesn't believe I actually wanted to do it and just did it out of pity. I'm an honest person and when I say yes or no, I mean it.
Our counselor has said that DH needs to learn to communicate with me more effectively and this is something we are going to work on in the next session. He also said that DH's idea of sex (needing to have sex first and then share with me) is backwards and wrong in the long term (when this is the only way he shares that is). DH also cannot give me a hug or hold hands or cuddle or kiss unless it leads to sex, otherwise he doesn't know how to process his feelings of wanting to be with me, but it may not be the right time/place. He also cannot understand if I have a had a rough day and just want to have a bath and read a book that night. He takes that as a personal rejection and pulls away even more.
My DH is in a bubble, in his own world. An island in the distance, in his cave, alone, only coming out when he wants something (sex).
I had a chat online with him yesterday (best communication in months from him) and he is insisting that it takes two to tango and until I desire him physically and have more sex, he cannot be in love with me. He refuses to acknowledge that the burden of change is on him.
I said to him that I am lonely in our marriage. And he said 'I'm there 24/7? Why are you lonely?' Says it all really.
So here I am like a numpty still wearing my wedding ring, hoping the counselor can help him/us and still in love with a man like this. I know it is probably over. I know I mostly likely will be happier without him. But I can't help but to think, I took a vow for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. DH has been through so much in the last year that would crack anyone, let alone someone with AS.
Sorry for the essay. It feels so complicated and hopeless. =(