How do I learn to accept this behaviour because I sure as hell can't change it

[Peggotty]

My dh has a job that involves a lot of socialising, days away etc, but sometimes i feel like he takes the piss. this is a recurrent issue in our marriage and i don't know if it's me, him or a combination. i have alot of alcoholics in my family, (abusive) father, brother and sister (who is in aa, so isn't a 'performing' alcoholic) and i get VERY VERY wound up about the issue of drink. my dh occasionally will phone me at 6pm (i.e just before our dd is due to go to bed and i have usually cooked us a meal) and inform me he's just out 'with clients' his bloody stock phrase and won't be late blah blah blah but then ends up coming in at 2am etc. I then work myself up into an enormous apoplectic rage and give him serious abuse down the phone. he then thinks 'fuck it' and stays out late becasue i have haranged him. My sister (in aa) seems to think he might be a binge drinker and that he has a problem, but my instincts tell me he doesn't have an alcohol problem but a problem with willpower and not wanting to miss out on any socialising. my sister says i would think that because i am in denial.... he has always enjoyed a drink but i know he turns down more offers of nights out etc that he takes up, especially since our dd was born, it's just that when he does go out he reverts to some kind of immature student, and becomes a selfish little shit. Because i feel so powerless I then become this psycho-wife who screeches down the phone at him and doesn't speak to him properly for days afterwards. This can't be good for our dd .
it happened again last night, I phoned him about 5pm to ask him something and he informed me that he was going out on a baby head-wetting piss up with one of his mates. He hasn't seem much of dd recently, he's been away with business and I was visiting my sis last week, so i felt so disappointed i was really looking forward to having a bottle of wine with him last night and then spending weekend together, I had really missed him while i was away. I feel cheated and angry and like i could kill him. I can't seem to control my anger at him when he does this. It's been happening now for years, and nothing i do or say seems to change it. I CAN'T change his behaviour, i know, only mine, but how do i do it. how do i cope with the resentment. if our relationship was brilliant in all other ways i might be able to but there's other probs (mainly the very common old chestnut of NO SEX!!!!) God, it all feels such a mess. Does any of this make sense. Where do i begin? Please help.

I don't agree it's your problem entirely.

Your DH is being very rude only telling you as he's "out with clients" that he's not coming home for the dinner you've cooked.

In your shoes, I would say "I don't mind you going out, that would be mental. But I do object to not knowing that you're staying out until after I've cooked. So in future, unless you give me a bit of notice, I will be upset. Sorry about that. But you know what you can do to change how I react. Thanks."

Hi Peggotty ((BIG HUG)),

Why should you accept this behaviour? He is being a selfish arse . My dh is the same as yours, can't say "sorry can't come"! Everything has to be yes yes yes! As a result of this our marriage is falling apart

I REFUSE to accept this behaviour. It's HIS responsibility as a husband to make sure that his wife's needs are satisfied (emotionally, physically and mentally).

Let's just put the shoe on the other foot for the moment. IF it were you, you's be called all sorts of names and be told that you're an irresponsible mother.

Sorry babe if I'm not helping much, but I can totally understand what you're saying.

It's gets to a point though were you just think FFS, what about me!

You can't change him. He has to want to change and he has to realise how is actions are affecting you and dd (because kids do pick up on it you know).

Anyway babe, take care x

Thanks hunkermunker and lovemybaba. I have tried the 'being reasonable' and even ignoring his behaviour (like he's a toddler or a dog ffs!) but nothing seems to stop him doing it. I have repeatedly asked him to give me notice when he's going to do one of his diappearing acts, and that if i knew he was going out and that he DIDN't say 'i won't be late', when he ALWAYS is I wouldn't be so pissed off. All i ask for is basic manners and respect from him to give me a bit of notice when he goes out and not make empty promises about not being late etc. I feel so bloody bloody powerless. The thing is i don't even particularily like going out that much i'm more of a homebody. not to say i never go out, but it's only every few months. he's slunk off out now with our dd to spend 'quality time' alone with her (pah!!) for the first time in ages.
i've told him i don't object to him going out, but if i'm honest i actually do! but i could rein it in, and accept that he likes to do it if it didn't involve me being regularly let down by him. I hate drunk men, and he disgusts me when he's drunk, this is when i think it becomes my issue becasue of family history....

Peggotty,

Have you told him how you feel about his drinking? If not I think that you should.

Here are some ideas.
Without rancour tell him how it feels. Say it's a problem. Say you want him to go with you to a Relate counsellor to talk about it and if he won't go with you you're going alone.
Secondly make sure you go out as much as him- nothing like a taste of your own medicine and he babysits of course and then gets jealous of your life and friends and realises how it feels.
Thirdly if suspicious (because it's classic behaviour for those having an affair) hire someone to follow him.

This sounds like selfish refusing to take responsibility for his behaviour stuff. Does he accept that he has a responsibility to you and your child? I don't think this has anything to do with YOU and everything to do with him behaving like an immature and selfish arse tbh. Neither dh nor I would dream of doing tihs to each other. If we want to go out we agree and arrange it in advance. I'd be psycho wife too I'm afraid, he's being unreasonable. Sorry, no advice (other than ask him to change because it's not on)but you're not the one in the wrong here imo.

And I don't think you should be asking 'how can I accept this' I think you should be asking

why should I accept this?
Why does he think it's ok?
Can I put up with it if he never changes?
What will I do if he doesn't?
Can I imagine the rest of our lives like this?
Do I want dd to think this is ok?
How do I tell him how I feel?
How do I impress upon him how awful this is for me?

All the above ISN'T to have a go at you btw, just I feel sad that you think you have to learn to accept it. I don't think you do.

Thanks for more replies. He knows the history of my family, alcoholism etc. I have told him it upsets me, and he has since apologised for last night and the fact he just dropped the piss-up he was going on on me from nowhere. On the other hand he genuinely CAN'T see that there is a 'pattern' to his behaviour, and thinks i am over the top in my reactions. There is no chance of him having an affair, i do trust him 100% on that. I know he loves me and our dd a lot, he tells me, and i do love him. I think he feels a lot of responsibility for 'providing' for us (i am SAHM), so that when he DOES cut loose, he really goes for it. Absolutely NO excuse for being an arsehole of course.
I think i have to seriously ask myself the questions that wickedwaterwitch put to me. I have to accept him, and the fact that the behaviour will probably continue or... not. I think what has rankled me so much is that i was (for the first time in AAAAGES) thinking about wanting to get close to him again and to start to try and repair our sex life this weekend. Now I just want to garotte him.

I think you should tell him that then pegotty, it might motivate him.

Wickedwaterwitch, I know this sounds daft, but I am too embarassed to tell him what i had wanted to do. I feel so sensitive about whole sex thing. I was just going to try and have a cuddle and snog, not jump straight into sex, but now I think it will be embarassing to reveal my whole 'gameplan' iykwim!! it's so stupid of me i know.

Does you and he socialise much as a couple? does he see his friends much outside the evening pi$$ ups? It sounds like he might be mistaking long evenings in the pub for friendship and the only alternative is a quiet evening at home. There are lots of other alternatives as you know.

Can you help your dh grow up a bit? Can you make a point of getting people round for a meal, hold a party at home even, or go out to see friends together? Anything that gives you both a shared social life away from his nights in the pub.

Tigermoth, he's not actually out with friends all that much, it tends to be work-related, but he still gets carried away and stays out late etc. Last night was friends however. We don't go out enough together, no. No family nearby but some friends who would be willing to babysit sometimes I think, so I should just bite the bullet and arrange night out for us, i know. god it's so easy to get stuck in a rut, and just not even THINK of going out with DH. I think i have come to see 'going out' as the enemy iykwim as it's something DH does without me and in spite of me, and the result is me losing my temper and feeling like shit, and him feeling defensive and hunted. TIme to sort it out.

Peggotty

I use a company called Sitters if I want to go out (my inlanws cannot sit as MIL and my parents won't babysit these days) thus you may want to see if these people operate in your area.

www.sitters.co.uk is the web address.

Glad you feel you can do something positive. Arranging a night out might be a small thing, but it could be enough to start things moving in the right direction for you. Also, knowing I have babysitters I can call on is a great psychological boost. Even if we don't use them much, knowing we as a couple can go out is very important to dh and I. So at the very least, organise some babysitting options - if your friends are not that available, see if you can find someone else.

I find it easier to tackle issues with my dh during or just after we have been out for a 'date'. This might be the same for you.

I am sorry you are beginning to feel 'going out' is the enemy. This is not going to be good for your relationship and if you dh knows this is how you feel, that's won't be good for him. If you show him you are going to change this, it gives him more impetus to change his pub habits.

Hope things work out.

THanks Attilathemeerkat for that info, will look into it. And thanks tigermoth, you have made me realise that we need to have more fun together, as a couple, and also me on my own. I suppose it's all been pretty obvious, but you van't always look at your own problems like that!

I recommend Sitters too, they're great. Good luck Peggotty.