Emotionally abusive partner

[SarahD111222]

I need help with my situation, here it is, I feel my boyfriend of 10 years is abusing me emotionally and I am so worn down an drained. Basically I feel he is extremely clever and manipulative, third party perspective I know I will seem like such a doormat if I explain examples of his behaviour but can sense when I reach the end of my tether and starts being super nice. Here's one example of what a horrible man he is- I got his order wrong at the butty shop (I paid for it and went out to get it) they had ran out of what he wanted so I got him an alternative, I always go all out to try and please him but in my head in thinking ooh what if he doesn't like it, should I just get this,' etc so I brought him the sandwich and he went mad saying ' you should have just got me chicken or something you're a ffing idiot. I was in tears in the car until he stormed out. Later that day he starts trying to have a laugh with me so I was scared to bring it up. He did not feel guilty at all and never apologised! He loves to make me feel stupid, always tells me what to do and in what order, tries to run my life, tells me how to cook, how to drive, how to do everything, makes me feel like I'm losing myself and ability to make my own decisions which is maybe what he wants. Makes me feel like he doesn't love me anyway. I feel stupid if I used that as an excuse to finish him because he will say 'why are u bringin this up now' and get angry. We have a child together and I'm scared things will not go right for my baby. The reason my partner is like this is because his dad is the same but his mum just takes the abuse and she looks ridiculous. There's always something I use to justify his behaviour but then there always will be. I do not want to be a mug! He doesn't want me to go back to college next year (part time alongside my job, because he can't be bothered to look after our son 2 nights a week. He says it's because I need to chill out in on maternity! But what better time to finish my career training I think anyway! Now I need to split with him, can I live on my own? Can I afford it on maternity leave I don't earn much and don't want my baby to suffer. He has bought our car also and I need it but I know he will want to keep it. :( what do I tell him the reason for me parting with him is? I'm thinking if I just say we've grown apart there will be less dramas and he won't hate me as much making it easier in terms of the baby and sharing time with him... What should I do??? Help

Yup he is abusive, gaslighting probably and isolating you from folk

You don't need to give him a reason - you just tell him it is over.

And if you need help speak to Women's Aid first.

The reason you give him for parting with him is "This isn't working for me. I need to live my life without you and your vile crap". You do know that you don't have to give him a reason, don't you? You can leave for any reason or no reason at all. He can't demand one from you once you've made your decision.

That he's wanting you not to go to college is likely not because he can't be bothered to look after your child but to compromise your prospects, so you'll be more dependent on him than you are now.

Work out where you will go and then pack while he's out somewhere.

Single parents with dependents are generally quite decently looked after by the welfare state when their children are under school age. You should be entitled to all sorts of benefits, as well as help towards your rent via LHA (Local Housing Allowance).

If you need help extricating yourself from this abusive relationship I suggest you get in touch with Womans Aid. They don't just offer women in your situation with a place in hostel-type accommodation, they can offer you all sorts of advice on how you arrange the practicalities. PLEASE be aware that controlling and abusive men are at their most dangerous when they suspect their iron-grip on their victims is loosening, so I warn you to be extremely circumspect about your plans to leave if you do decide to go.

Oh, and take a look at the "entitledto" and "turn2us" websites for their benefits calculators, to see how you might manage once you're on your own.

Are there any family members or close friends you could confide in or who would help you to leave?

If your partner has access to your computer you should clear your browsing history once you leave this site or anywhere else you might visit.

Controlling men snoop and pry

This is very familiar to me. I lived for many years trying to please, and not "bringing things up" leaving was hard in terms of lifestyle changes, but everyday of mental freedom I have had since then has been priceless.

Gosh, yes you need to leave.
9 months ago this was me - now Im so free it's unbelievable. The hardest thing you will ever do is leave, but believe me the feeling of being in your own house, with your own rules and a front door to shut and lock every night is like nothing else.
I get tax credits and I work part time but honestly, you will be surprised what you will be entitled to. I do have 2 children so might be different but even if you have to eat beans on toast for 5 years it's so worth it. You can't carry on like you are, I wish you lots of luck and feel free to PM me if you need any help with claiming tax credits etc.

Thanks a lot for your replies. In going to get some information on housing and help etc and in going to leave, I will will feel extremely awful but based on the way he treats me I'm sure this is what he wants anyway! I'm just hoping he doesn't hate me and start imposing this on our son as he gets older. Suppose it's normal to be worried about everything because of the baby, I just want him to be happy, I wouldn't care if I was on my own eating beans on toast on a friends sofa lol but I need stability and a plan for the little one.

I would've thought "Because you're a twat" should cover it like a bedspread.

GET OUT NOW!!! Seems alot of men incl the ones I've been with are all emotionally, mentally immature. Can't handle the real world and expect to be treated like royalty. Any man that loves you wouldn't do those things, even I've had to wise up to that sorta shitlately after 4 and a half yrs, he was my best friend 7yrs before and is a complete stranger to what I'd fallen for. It's not healthy. You need to think about yourself because he clearly doesn't. Any man that ain't big enough to admit he fucked up or apologise ain't worth being with because a man that cared would do everything to show he's sorry for his actions. One thing I learnt is they'll hurt you but it's your fault. This will get worst. Your being abused..... YES ABUSED

Zombie 🧟‍♂️