Would you be worried about this, and if so, what would you do?

[HippoWearsAHat]

My sister (mid twenties) met a bloke back in January when she was away working. They were both from the same place but hadn't met before, then ended up living together (with other colleagues) on the trip for a few months. I think they got together pretty quickly, and it was obviously quite an intense start to a relationship. She told us about him when they got back. At first all seemed fine but lately there have been a whole string of things that have got me worried, but I want your expert opinions! Here are three examples...

1. she had been invited to an event in the spring (invite issued before she knew him) where there would be single men. It was a once in a lifetime sort of thing and she was going with a whole group of male and female friends. He went on and on at her not to go because he said she would cheat on him, but thankfully she did go, and obviously didn't cheat.

2. he went through her FB friends list and said she had too many male friends and made her delete most of them. He then had a huge go at her when he discovered she hadn't deleted an old boyfriend (from 10 years ago)

3. my family are all vegetarian and have a no meat in the house rule. He was round at my parents house recently (my sister lives at home) and they were getting a takeaway. He asked could he have meat. Mum said she'd rather he didn't, he kicked up a fuss and stormed off home. Since then when he's been round for a meal, he has sat there and refused to eat their food.

So is he just rude, or is he heading into controlling behaviour? And what can I do to open my sister's eyes? I don't want to let him put a rift between us

I would be worried. It's very controlling.
It sounds like he is starting to try to distance her from your parents too.

He's not heading into controlling behaviour, he IS controlling behaviour.....personified!

He sounds like a total arse, but if your sister can't see that for herself, I doubt anything you say or do will help. Just be there for her when it all kicks off.

He sounds like a complete knob! Huge red flags waving. Not sure what you can do to help your sister as you do not want him to isolate her from you. Hopefully your sister will have her eyes opened soon and you can be there for her.

That's my mum's fear at the moment - that the food thing will mean she feels mealtimes are too stressful at home so just go and spend all her time at his house

I think she sees this as a permanent relationship - occasional references to children etc, and plans for next year. If he's this bad after 6 months I can't imagine how much worse he will get.

It sounds like she's going out with my ex poor girl.

Very controlling and there are a million red flags waving for me.

I doubt that this will end well, and I suspect your sister is under his spell. Be there when she needs you and do all you can to give her the strength to call an end to this "relationship".

Aylesbury - would you have listened if anyone tried to warn you?

I think he's already controlling and the thought of living with this for years is would be hell for the whole family.

I don't think there is much you can do other than always be there for her. Depends how close you are and what kind of relationship you have with her with regards to what you can say. If she comes to you with any concerns you could try to open up a conversation and see where it goes.

luckily if she still lives at home it maybe easier to part ways when shes ready or if she sees him making life difficult for your parents it may open her eyes.

He sounds like a spoiled brat, and controlling to boot. I'm surprised your mum even allows him in the house after his angry outburst as a guest because his behaviour has been enormously rude. I'm even more surprised that your sister thinks his behaviour towards your parents is okay enough for her to continue seeing him, so perhaps his control over her is very firm already.

Meant to add, when I was 20 I dated an older guy who was very aggressive and controlling. It was only when I went to uni and saw that other guys weren't as angry about everything that I opened my eyes. Examples: screaming at my flatmate for slamming a car door at about 10am near my bedroom window; telling me my mum that he had no intention of 'looking after me' at uni because it wasn't his job; braking so hard in a car during a row that I hit my head on the window so it bled; looking after my spending money on holiday and refusing to give it back so I couldn't buy any food during the day. He said I needed to lose weight (was size 10). It got worse and worse until I ended it.

Personally, I'd sit down one on one with her and be very gentle and calm. She may be a bit frightened of him or she may have become desensitised to his behaviour over a period of time so that she isn't surprised by it any mie and is able to accept it more easily. I'd go through some of the things he has done that have worried you and explain how you think he should have acted if he were being reasonable.

I don't think he sounds controlling but does sound a bit of a pain. I think it will fizzle out soon as he doesn't seem to fit into your family very well. But for the time being just let her get on with her own life unless she particularly asks you for advice.

Hippo

I was going to PM but thought it might be better to put it on here.

I knew from quite early on that my ex was a bit different, but I was under his spell and although I thought I loved him at the time I look back and I was overwhelmed by him rather than in love.

He would question me about stupid things; why hasn't my phone rung? why has my phone rung?, why have you got to buy the birthday card for the girl in the office, why can't someone else buy it?

He didn't work so wanted me account for every penny. We never went out, because "we couldn't afford it".

He was rude, aggressive and violent and I was scared. Had someone said to me "are you happy with him?"I would have said no. I was deeply unhappy and ashamed of myself.

I remember my mum and sister coming round to see us just after Christmas and as they were going I looked at my sister and prayed with all my heart for her to be able to read my mind. I could not say what I needed to say. On New Years Eve he attacked me and beat me black and blue. For eight hours I was waiting for him to kill me. He proposed instead. I had to say yes otherwise I have no doubt I would have been vert seriously injured. It took 5 weeks from that day for me to find the courage to tell someone.

I left him with just the clothes I stood up in and started again from scratch.

I now have the most gorgeous wonderful DP who is amazing. Life is just perfect.

Get her out. Be her rock because I can promise you this, she will be in a state of confusion and will not know what to think about first.

PM any time.

Aylesbury - that is one of the most haunting posts I have ever read on here, thank you so much for being so honest. I am so pleased that you are in a good relatinship now and you've come out the other side such a strong person.

It has given me the courage to speak to her about it I think, and I will have to hope that she can see what I say is meant out of love and concern.

He isn't even trying to hide his temper tantrums in front of all of you. How did she feel about being told to delete all her friends? You speak to her and do it quickly. He is a waste of space.

Signs you may be in an abusive relationship

www.healthcentral.com/schizophrenia/cf/slideshows/10-signs-you-may-be-in-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship

Please get her to read this. The signs are all there...

Vivienne what the fuck counts as controlling in your world if this guy isn't it?

aylesbury overwhelmed by him. This this exactly is how I felt about my x. And I would have said yes if asked if I loved him but no if asked if I was happy.

Sorry OP not sure exactly how to proceed but just don't leave her high and dry and try to give a different perspective to his and just be there ready. My friends stood by me till I worked it out and then were there to catch me when it all ended.

Don't judge her. Don't expect her to see it straight away.

Maybe if you can engineer watching things that portray these types of rs so that she might be given food for thought. Things like murdered by my boyfriend. Grim viewing but it shows the build up really well. (Although obviously without drawing any comparisons)

Hi Hippo

I made a decision when I left STBXP that I would be open about what happened to me - you never know who else is going through something similar, so I told my sister and my close friends. I asked them to promise me that if ever they felt threatened or knew anyone else who was that they said something.

Thankfully your dsis has you to hold her hand and help her through this. She may well think you are making a mountain out of a molehill but tell her that if she needs you and doesn't know how to tell you all she needs to do is say your code phrase...pick something like "Have you seen my sparkly pink jumper?" It's innocuous yet will let you know she needs you if she can't ask for help.

There are hundreds of women who have stories to tell that make mine seem trivial but you can get out and you can start again.

Always here if you want to PM

Hi all,

Just a quick update for those of you who helped. I plucked up the courage to have a very brutal chat with her about my concerns and showed her that wonderful link (thank you Scarletohello ) and she went away for a think and a chat with him and then dumped him!

So so so relieved, there have been a whole heap more worrying things recently. Thank you for your words of wisdom and support. And to anyone reading this who is worried about a friend or relative, speak to them.

That is fantastic news. I had a very lucky escape, although without the help of the police, I might still be there. You can't tell what you have saved her from going through. Be careful for a while though - abusers dont give up easily. Any issues at all, let the police know.

Aww, Hippo, you just made my day!!! It took me years to get away from one of these.... and a large part of that was lack of family understanding/support. You have no idea what you have helped your sis avoid here. She owes you, big time!!

Well done, Hippo! So glad you intervened and that your sister saw the light. He sounded utterly vile and brewing up for worse.

Result! That is WONDERFUL news, well done op - and op's sis.

It goes to show it's worth having a try, esp if armed with info eg the above link. I wonder if I would've listened if ii'dbeen presented with that - could have saved me decades of torture (a lot of it post leaving him so, yes, warn her about that. Don't want him creeping back!!!

Hurrah
Just watch out for him promising the moon and worming his way back. It is in the script.

"I am only like this cos I love you so much/ you are so attractive/my exes done me wrong"

Promise I willl never do it again (as long as you do x ) etc.

You have done well and gold star for being a good friend.

Hope she meets someone she deserves.