If things aren't BAD but aren't good either?

[Hismumhermum]

My husband is kind and loyal and supportive. BUT his procrastination is at chronic levels. Hardly goes to work if he can get away with it, sleeps downstairs on couch 90% of the time, constantly glued to electronic devices. No particular desire to do stuff most of the time but will put an effort in if nagged. Very very sleepy too-seems programmed to need nap/s every day.

But I'm tired of nagging and tired of his empty promises. Feel lonely sometimes and that he gets more out of the relationship (quiet companion, housework, meals) than I do. Feel almost like I could walk away, but I'm a sahm with two kids so that would never be easy.

Anyway, he's nice and if only he would do the things he promises then everything would be a lot better. But is he ever likely to change?

Has anyone else felt like this and found a way to feel fulfilled?

People don't really change. Rarely fundamentally, and only when they decide to. So don't bank on it: he has no reason or motivation to change; you're the one who's bothered, not him.

The way to feel fulfilled is to feel as if you are being true to yourself. So, if you can accept, without any reservation or judgement, that he is a procrastinator and apparently quite passive and lazy, then you might feel more fulfilled.

But can you? Is the way he is enough for you? Perhaps it is not, and your path to fulfilment is in leaving him. It's the kind of thing that only a good look inside yourself will answer. I'm sorry it's not more simple or straightforward.

Could he be depressed? Hardly goes to work, so how are the finances looking?

Have you told him how you feel

Thanks for the replies, he has been on anti d's for years, some of his traits pre date this though!

He has got away with his work habits so far but I live in fear of him losing his job. I have been telling him how I feel for ages, he doesn't respond much except to make empty promises. I think he is scared of conflict.

Maybe the answer does just lie in me making more of a life for myself. Sometimes I just get so tied up in knots with anger though about the way things have turned out.

It's pretty sad to read about someone like this. Sounds like he's wasting his life, really.
I assume he is not up for days out with the kids, drags behind on holidays, etc.

It could be his depression and if he genuinely is extremely lethargic and needing naps then that might be something medical too but if he's happy with things how they are, I can't see they'll change. If he wants to change he could, maybe not a complete turn around, but things could improve.

Sounds like it's gone on a long time, though. I wouldn't be convinced that you asking him to change would bring about the kind of long term changes that him wanting it/deciding for himself would. You could wait a long time for him to want it for himself. Possibly forever.

Thanks dirtybadger, he will come out with me and the kids but generally I am the one who has to suggest stuff. And he only does one activity before needing a nap!

It is hard trying to work out which bits are medical/depression and either way there seems no way to change them.

He's bone-idle and has no incentive to change. He gets away with the behaviour ... doesn't get sacked from work, doesn't get kicked out by you.... so he has no motivation to behave any differently. If he's on ADs and he's chronically lethargic/fatigued it's not an excuse to carry on in the same way but should be a reason to go back to the GP and say there's something terribly wrong. How old is he?

In his 50's (I'm a bit younger). If there is a lot on at work he can work amazingly hard like a machine (has to because he will have procrastinated until close to the deadline) but will then collapse and do nothing for a while.
He is still at home today and achieving very little. Has admitted he has got into a bad routine but won't discuss it any further-it's like pulling teeth.

OMG, he sounds exactly the same as my DH. I feel bloody sorry for you as I've had a gutful. My Dh has his own business, but hardly goes to work and we just have to get by on what he has earned for the day/week/whatever. When he does go to work, comes home and moans about it. I work parttime from home and have to stop what I'm doing (typing) and listen to his crap. He falls asleep sitting at the table eating a meal. Never wants to do anything, but will come along unwillingly when I suggest a family day out, dinner for 2, etc. etc. Never ever in the 15 years we've been married (!) has he suggested doing anything. If I never suggested anything we'd be sat in the house for 15 years. I've considered divorce many many times believe me. But I only work parttime and we've two kids (11 and 13). He's 48 by the way, and I'm 44. I feel I'm wasting my life with him, but the kids love him, strangely enough, and that's why I havent divorced him yet.

Does he have the kind of job where these absences are ok? Or is he going to get sacked eventually...

He seems to have slipped into a kind of second adolescence. You're his mum doing all the household stuff while he sits around playing with various devices. He's not really quite with reality is he? This is not behaviour likely to alleviate depression.

Hi, just seen replies. Our kids are similar ages too perthmom. It's hard work always having to be the instigator isn't it? I would just love it if he would volunteer to take one/both kids somewhere on his own but without me suggesting it that would never happen.

It's so difficult trying to work out what's depression and what's not. I would say he's always been quite sleepy and lazy about the house though! And very difficult not to mother him when there are others needing fed etc-if the kids weren't here it would be a different story.
But he does have good points, just wish it wasn't such a roller coaster of stress and frustration.

Ps he can maybe hide it all from work if he manages to work super hard to cover up for the absent times

Yes, sometimes I think it could be depression, but I've actually said this before and he says he's not depressed. Unfortunately in his case I think it's laziness. He knows I won't divorce him because of the kids so he continues to get away with minimum input. We've had huge fights in the past when I've just blown up, and then he will make an effort for a while (and I can see he's making a huge effort, as in it's not natural) and then things go back to normal. (As you say, it'd sure be different if we didn't have kids).

I can tell you now he will not change, he is lazy and he's also quite happy I bet - you on the other hand have to suffer the consequences - what if he loses his job, why doesn't he get involved in family life, and why, when I nag and nag does he not do whatever it is he should be doing - because HE DOESN'T WANT TO.

You are flogging a dead horse, nothing will change apart from you changing your life and scenery that does not include him.

During all this I bet you are left upset, frustrated, angry, resentful, whilst he sits back and probably wonders, what's her problem.

It's not my idea of the ideal marriage, that's for sure. Get quite jealous reading about what other men do for their families. But on the other hand there are lots of good/great qualities that some people would envy too.

Hmmm....