16 months of relate - time to face the truth - marriage of 24 years is over

[Funnyfishface]

I am gutted that after 16 months of couples counselling dh is not going to change.
He is controlling, jealous, sulky, emotionally abusive and unfortunately I love him. But, I don't want to live my life on this constant rollercoaster anymore. His nit picking, negativity is wearing me down.
The counselling has been invaluable in that it has enabled me to gather strength.
I have suffered with horrendous anxiety for three years and only the last 10 months have been well enough to get a job.
Our DS are both adults.
I am planning on seeing a solicitor now. I'm scared. I still love him. Can anyone offer me advice? How will I get through this ? How will I tell him?

Hi op

He doesn't want to split up because of the hardship it will cause him. He will have to do everything for himself and in the future that's a long time to not have someone at your beck and call. Also it means he will have to start all the nice guy ploys all over again to sucker some women in to looking after him in his old age.

If he gets nasty I suggest your sons become involved if they are not already. He's now using different tactics, you pull back and he'll be back to his old self in no time, and you'll be back to square one.
I'm another who can't believe 16 months of counselling and he got sod all out of it, that's a lot of money and lost time.

If you moving out is an option then I really think you should do it.
The current living arrangements are agony for you and perfect for him. You have done brilliantly to get this far with legal advice and saying upfront that this marriage is over. However, you are not going to get any co-operation from H.

Sleeping together and whatever else you are still sharing is likely to sabotage your emotional strength and really, we can and do miss stuff and be utterly fine without anyhow.

This extrication from each other is all up to you and you know what? You are doing it. Once it's over, anxiety will be a thing of the past!

Thank you for your replies.

We have been living in the same house but separate rooms for the past year.

He would like us both to stay in the house and continue as we are. He will go to counselling on his own and anger management. I think he needs to do this but away from me. He is worried about the financial stress of us paying for two places. I get that. However I have suggested I rent out a room here to cover the cost of his living costs.

I am trying to make decisions, whilst trying to make sure he is managing.

A few weeks ago I was imagining going through all this and being heartbroken. Actually I'm ok. Yes I'm sad. But I'm not heartbroken, helpless and on my knees. I am gaining some control.

"Cog - any thoughts?"

I think you're being manipulated in a pretty heavy-handed manner and it's the realisation that you're being manipulated that is enabling you to feel a little stronger and rather more detached. I predict that he will now relax slightly, believing that he has smoothed things over and you're going nowhere, and then something will happen - probably a relatively small thing - that sets that 'rollercoaster' of jealousy and anger off again.

Then any fears of hurting this person will dissolve.

I'm not sure why your worried about him managing? When has he ever been worried about you being able to do that without him running interference.

I think you have to try and detach yourself mentally from his future welfare. He is not your third child to care for he is a grown up, this thinking is what enabled him to manipulate you all through your marriage.